So when I joined this forum 5 days ago my main goal was to find the courage or strength or whatever it was to finally exclude myself from the only remaining gambling site I hadn't excluded myself from. I had a continuous feeling of dread as I knew my next pay day was looming and I had already racked up a debt after blowing last months pay packet and missing a couple of Bill's...
I finally excluded 2 days ago and registered with gamstop incase there is any site I missed. Tomorrow is pay day and I cannot believe the difference in this months payday "eve" verses all my previous...
Normally by this time I would be fighting a feeling panic and nervousness, I'd have probably gone over my Bill's several times trying to identify places I can "cream off " a little of the payment to use for a gamble. I'd be promising and instructing myself incessantly that I absolutely in no uncertain terms cannot gamble more than "X" amount, knowing deep down I'll probably spend double that. I'd also be telling hubby about some new expensive item I just had to buy for work, or money I had to pay for some non existent event just to have a kind of back up when he questions where all my money has gone a day after pay day. I probably wouldn't sleep much as the anticipation and need to play would probably keep me up or wake me around the time my wages hit the bank. Then I'd probably sneak to the bathroom and have a quick few goes in the middle of the night or pretend I'm I'll in some way and need to get up so I can sit in living room wasting away my hard earned wages. .. at some point I'd begin to cry with every new deposit because I'd begin to absolutely despise myself and be absolutely baffled as to why I am still doing the thing I am completely hating doing in that moment... what a mess!!
Instead tonight I have organised to pay all my Bill's FULLY and have a a spare little pot to which I will be treating my girls to some new clothes and meeting a friend for a meal... such freedom:)
Do it right for us all.... (no pressure!)
Your story sounds so similar to mine. I would wait for payday with anticipation promising myself I would only bet a certain amount. In 24 hours 60+ hours of hard graft would be lost to the demon. You can do this. You self excluded from that last site. I have abstained many times in the past so my only advice here is be prepared to have an urge at some point, make sure you have a plan with how to deal with it (eg go for walks, take the kids out) anything to clear your mind. And lastly celebrate every night you go to sleep and haven't gambled that day. I get payed in a week and although I have the blocks in place and no control over finances I am still petrified. You can do this! We are all routing for you.
Congratulations on self excluding and spending spare money on worthwhile things.
Onwards and upwards!! 🙂
Thanks guys for the support.
I'm not going to lie each time I look in my account and see money I an "itchy fingers" feeling which is what I would normally get before a gambling spree but I just smile to myself and say "you dont have to put yourself through that anymore " and I get a sense of relief.
There is part of me that just wants to go spend it all quickly (on productive and necessary things) just so it's not there as any form of temptation in the next few days but then I know with the blocks in place I can't anyway. One of the things about my gambling is that I can't do it publicly, I've been to bingo and things with family and dont touch the slots. I have never been able to get "in my zone" for a gamble when people can see me so I am not tempted by casinos or arcades etc. My 'fix' has always needed to be private, so without online access I feel good I can do this.
Wishing you all good luck and strength with your journeys too guys. We can do this!!
Well done Alk, it's a big step self excluding but once it's done and you can't get access to sites it really helps
Gamstop and gamban have been my lifesavers
Good luck on your journey and enjoy spoiling your children x
Wonderful to read this, Alkynat! All the best!
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