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Never Leaves You

 
slowlearner
(@slowlearner)

Hi & Merry Xmas All,

So today had a lie in, drank coffee then some more. Before we knew it it was lunch time & had son, daughter & 5 children to visit before tea at mother in laws for tea at 5 pm. My wife had pulled herself together & hassling me to hurry up. We'd been watching ITV to this point &  I'm being hurried along. By now the 2.30 at Kempton is under starters orders. 

I'm watching intently looking for 1 of the 5 runners that might turn the odds on favourite over. She asks me are we ready or do you want to watch this race first ?. I reply " No let's go ". Here's the truth I DID  want to watch & relish the excitement of the finish. A reminder that a CGs mind is a sick one. Watching grandchildren open their presents after hugging & kissing us made it all go away JUST FOR TODAY. 

We got back home & by now there ain't much daylight available to take out the dogs as soon it will be dark. Never gave gambling another thought. However that moment of madness was a stern reminder about complacency & how easy it is to float back into old ways given the opportunity. Thank god for self exclusion, another GF day & no longer being numb to towards family & what really matters. Nevertheless my thought process still scares me. It always raises the inevitable question, " What's Wrong With Me "

 

Best

 

AL

 

This topic was modified 5 months ago 2 times by slowlearner
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Topic starter Posted : 27th December 2021 12:30 am
Boo radley
(@boo-radley)

Hello.. 

How strange.. I had a very realistic gambling dream too recently and my savings post gambling have been used wisely. Somedays  i think a quick way to get money gamble. Top the bank up again.Then rational jumps out at me and shouts dont get sucked in again.  complacency  i find is there 2 years, post gambling and im feeling jack the lad in my head, ive conquered this.. Have i heck. Im not even risking it again.🤕😔

So yes, slow. Its good to know we gamblers all seem to have the same scriptwriter and brain wiring. But with each other we can conquer.it does, get easier.. The memories sre there to bring us back down to earth thankfully. 😁

Thanks for the care n share. Thanks gamcare

, 😘 boo

ReplyQuote
Posted : 27th December 2021 7:37 am
Marandu
(@marandu)

Thanks for the post,let's have the factual or 100% sure thought that gambling is not beneficial to gambler but only the house,we should never be falsely tempted or seduced to have a false thought.together on the journey,all the way from tanzània...day 2

ReplyQuote
Posted : 27th December 2021 10:35 am
Joydivider
(@joydivider)

Hi SL

I feel we recover to a point where I can calmly face whats wrong with me. I can calmly talk about whats wrong with me. 

I am a compulsive gambler in full recovery. Keeping it in the present tense I have a mental illness or addiction to gambling.  I am not afraid of  a term like mental illness.

It helps expain my extreme secrecy and devious behaviour while throwing away my money and my parents money

I did not realise how addictive the drug of expectation, chance or gambling is. I am not alone as its affected countless people

I accept responsibility for my actions which I must do to recover. 

However I can clearly see that the gambling dens are not free from blame by pushing this at me. 

I hope you can keep talking through why you were watching a horse  racing and what your feelings are about proving something or gaining something from it

I think the aim is enough reality checks so you get on with better things in your life

I know the feeling tbat lingers but it does fade. I can even summon it up because of course after 40 years I know it well

The difference now is I respect it, I fear it and have the blocks and monitoring structure not to act on it

I dont want to act on it because I know the pain and damage it causes me. I discuss all scenarios with my monitoring group. I discuss my mental health and my fear that if all hope is lost it would be my drug of choice.

Im positive about that rather than scared... I moved through a scared confused phase to learn about the addiction

As Paul Merson will say its about being ill and getting better not thinking about yourself as a bad person trying to be good

I know its not particularly easy but it can be done with the right help and support

Best wishes

 

This post was modified 5 months ago by Joydivider
ReplyQuote
Posted : 27th December 2021 2:04 pm
Johnny57
(@johnny57)

Your right nearly 7 months without a bet but over Chritmas i had such strong urges i wanted to gamble again.Only the fact my mrs had our money , i think i would have definitely gambled again, ive been good for so long but the last few days all i wanted to do is gamble again.I agree Slow , it never leaves you my friend.all the best mate i dophope you had a good christmas mate.Right i'm off to the Boro to have Pint tc slolearner my good friend.

ReplyQuote
Posted : 27th December 2021 4:03 pm
slowlearner
(@slowlearner)

Hi Joydivider & Johnny 

Thank you so much for your posts/replies. Joydivider let me first explain I avoid TV racing like the plague. We got up rather late after Xmas day after drinking & celebrations later than normal. I think my wife was watching something on ITV & in between we were hanging up new clothes, tidying up  & trying to shower before the day was over. 

By the time it was all done ITV racing was on ( I would never have selected that channel ). What really scares me was whilst my wife was getting ready for an innocent walk in the park is the speed in which I was sucked in & enthralled by it all as the runners made their way to the start. Perhaps you're right & maybe it's a mental illness. When I had counselling I was taught how the CG is always keen to blame their behaviour on something or someone else.

Perhaps this causes the reluctance in me to blame it on MH issues. There's no shame in having mental health problems, & I think it's a positive step that those who suffer are encouraged to be open about it. However I often ask myself should I use this excuse am I looking for a cop out & have I simply been a bad person.

When my wife asked me am I ready or do you want to watch this race the anticipation, nervousness in her look said it all. Did I do what's right ?. Did I do what would ease her mind ? by saying I'm not bothered let's go. So many questions that always bring me back to the same question, " What's Wrong With Me ?. Who knows maybe it is mental illness.

Still something's salvaged & I still haven't gambled since AUG 2018 but how right you are when you tell folk always guard against complacency. Addiction is one big sickness. On boxing day maybe it was a blessing in disguise but for sure I had one big wake up call.

All The Best For 2022

AL

ReplyQuote
Topic starter Posted : 28th December 2021 12:16 am
adam123
(@adam123)

Yes Al I have previously had the same thing with fruit machines...... When I'm at pub I'll watch a friend play them and get excited in the moment..... He allways loses but the excitement is there...  

 

From now on he's said he wants to give up gambling..... I've given him advice and have said that I won't ever let him gamble on machines whilst I'm there.....

 

This will not only help him but help me too.... Getting away from the gambling excitement and buzz is the best thing for us 

 

All the best Adam.....

 

 

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Posted : 28th December 2021 2:00 pm
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