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It seems that my family is broken beyond repair :-(  

 
Dave77
(@dave77)

I'm in recovery and I'm doing well - I've completed the CCBT here, I'm active within the GA fellowship and I'm having regular psychotherapy sessions.  I'm OK and more aware of my behaviour now that I have full knowledge of this emotional illness. 

I have a beautiful wife, 3 wonderful children and a fantastic support network... However... This seems to be the straw that has broken the camel's back so to speak.

My wife says that she now cannot trust me, and she is in a state of depression and is focusing all of her feelings on my gambling problem, placing all blame on me and not willing to face any other issues that we have in our relationship... she's asked me to leave and for us to have a trial separation, but dialog between us is not good. There are many questions and practical things that we need to discuss and agree, but we can't as we have a full scale communication breakdown and my wife feels that she shouldn't help me organise things in regards to the trial separation.

I'm so worried about the future... as I feel that a trial separation with no willingness to try and repair things between us is a one way street to divorce.

Has anyone else had to face this situation? 

D

Quote
Posted : 8th April 2021 5:35 pm
Joydivider
(@joydivider)

Hello Dave77 and Welcome to the forum.

Im sorry to see this and my best advice is that you have to accept that it is one of the devastating results of gambling addiction.

I know you have never done it with an evil laugh to hurt your family but its an addiction so powerful that it creates secrets and lies from our loved ones.

They naturally feel cheated and lied to. You can only hope they see something in your recovery and are prepared to learn more about addiction. When you love yourself again and feel your pride and self respect have returned,,,its an attractive quality.

The truth and you must face the truth is that i didnt just gamble with money.......I gambled with my self respect my dignity and my relationships. I gambled on money I had defrauded from my parents and pretended they were little white lies. I was very ill with addiction and i didnt know how much. Every sneaky note I fed in was hiding from the truth....hiding from real life!

We dont know your relationship and we are not relationship counsellors. Separating some facts you can not blame her for reactions about gambling and your first thought is that she is more protected now with the knowledge and information you have given her. 

If you have feelings for her that is a good thing

I hope you can work it out and feel that will rely on your loved ones beginning to realise you were ill  and there is no shame in reaching out for help.

Yes its hard and this is what is so devastating about gambling. In a way I wish it only affected the gambler but it doesnt...it takes everyone around you on the hell ride.

I hope the government and gambling commision read some of these stories because we were never protected from it. I doubt they do and like millions of others your story is a true result of a monumental scam

Please ring gamcare again and keep talking to your support network. I hope your partner has a support network as she may well need counselling over this

Best wishes from everyone on the forum

ReplyQuote
Posted : 8th April 2021 7:42 pm
am9
 am9
(@am9)

Hello Dave,

 

I have been in an identical situation, and I’m sure there are lots of people on here who have too. As a matter of fact I’m still going through it as it’s only recent since I was caught. Time is important, naturally you’ll be thinking ‘what if she can live without me? What if she doesn’t need me?’. It is tough cause we are liars, but we don’t direct our lies at anyone for reasons of hatred. For me I lied to everyone, not a single person knew cause I couldn’t risk my secret coming out, because the reality is we want to avoid this position. My best advice is keep doing you, try to communicate with her, speak to mutual friends, its difficult if friends tell her what she wants to hear rather than what she needs to hear. But give it some time, be there at the drop of a hat, childcare, gardening, cleaning, DIY. Ultimately actions speak louder than words. The risk is always going to be there but you need to show her you’re moving on. 

all the best 

ReplyQuote
Posted : 9th April 2021 7:40 pm
Dave77
(@dave77)

Thanks, I guess my question would be - when will it start getting even a little bit better? Also, if she never gets to a point where she is willing to address and possibly seek help for other issues that she has deep down, then presumably things will never get better and just keep getting worse until everything breaks? Imagine, a full split including divorce, devastated children and then massive regret afterwards. That would be terrible.

ReplyQuote
Posted : 26th April 2021 7:00 pm
Dbot
 Dbot
(@dbot)

Hi Dave,

 

Reading this is like looking in a mirror, lockdown has taken its toll on me and my relationship. My partner has just found out about my gambling and debts. I'm in a similar place and am hoping after some time she may trust me again.

I was asked to leave but said no, I'm a family man and I'm needed here with my kids as I'm sure you are.  Her immediate reaction is that you have betrayed her so give her time, hopefully she will see what you are doing and you can work on things.

Stay strong mate

ReplyQuote
Posted : 7th May 2021 8:41 pm
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