I don’t want this anymore, I feel nothing

Dear @vladhusiyaku,

Welcome back to the forum. I'm glad to hear that you found the advice you received when you posted here before to be useful to you, and that you were able to put some of it into practice and that this has helped you.

Please don't be too hard on yourself for having relapsed. We often say that relapsing is a necessary part of the journey through recovery. The important thing is that you have recognised this and have reached out again.

You did really well in being able to make those changes in how you look at your gambling to be able to pay off some of your debts and to start saving a little. It's understandable that you feel disappointed to have relapsed, but this doesn't have to be the end of the excellent start you made. You relapsed, but you can still make those changes happen for yourself. Why not give us a call on the helpline so we can help you explore your options?

Please keep checking in on the forum. Maybe have a think about starting a recovery diary on the forum so that you can keep track of your journey.

In the meantime, please don't forget that we are here to help, listen, advise, and support you either on the netline or the helpline on 0808 802 0133.

All the best

Forum Admin

It is common for people to say sorry you have relapsed but winning and losing is all the same. What you have to ask yourself is are you sorry you relapsed or sorry you lost? Asking yourself this will help you figure out your mentality towards the way that gambling affects you. If you strip gambling addiction back to basics, it has very little to do with winning money and a whole lot to do with the act of gambling.

No amount of winning or losing can make you stop gambling so think about why you want to stop gambling in other ways....perhaps the way it messes with your head or the way it has changed you as a person, taken your hobbies and interests and made you a robot....an empty shell of the person you used to be.

Feeling guilty about relapse will only fuel the need to bet again. Although I know it hurts, it is easier to walk away after a loss. Let it fuel your anger and determination and try to focus on looking ahead and not looking back. The fact that you have been here before and paid off your debts only to create them again means that you are not quite ready to let go of gambling. You still see gambling as a way out, an escape....Perhaps have a think about the reasons why you gamble.Get to know your triggers.  For me, it was anger and upset. This would make me gamble more. Also having debt made me gamble because even though gambling caused my debt, I still saw it as hope, as a way out of debt.

You are not a fool for gambling again. You have addiction and intelligence has nothing to do with it. You are not guided by rational thoughts when you gamble, you are guided by the brain and the impulse to get a fix.

Do not tell yourself that you have no control. You do. Even with addiction, you can choose not to bet. The most important thing is to protect yourself from the dangerous impulse to bet by signing up with Gamstop if you bet online, and blocking your cards and self excluding from high street bookies. 

Telling yourself you have no control is a way that addicts excuse their behavior and avoid change. If you are here on this forum then you want to change and you can change. Just because you relapsed does not mean you have failed. In order to relapse you have to have made the all important decision to try to stop! 

I probably spent 4 or 5 years self excluding, going 3 months, paying down debt, relapsing due to stress, frustration and impatience at my situation and then quitting for another few months and on in went.

Each time you relapse, you can learn something if you look at what led to your gambling and try to change your thought pattern. Try to remember the overall effect of your gambling is to lose money so it is important to forget all the times you had a little win. If I took £100 off you and gave you a tenner, would that make you happy? Of course not so why do we see it as a win when we gamble, even though we are down thousands?

Again this is down to our addicted brains. The problem is that our brains get high even while we are losing. It is not the outcome of the bet that creates the high, it is the act and anticipation of gambling. This is why we can be down thousands in a gambling session but while we are still gambling we could still win it back. There is still hope and anticipation with every spin and every bet which is why we chase, pouring hundreds into the machine. We don't consider it a loss until we have nothing left. Only then does it sink in that we have truly lost because we have nothing left to play with. This will either end the gambling session if you have nothing left in the bank, or send you to the deposit button to keep trying.

Since the anticipation of the next spin or next bet is the real killer, it doesn't matter how much you have already lost because you only focus on the next bet. That's why it is so dangerous.

Gamblers keep going back for more because they don't tend to view their gambling long term. They focus only on the outcome of their last bet. So if they have lost £20,000 in the last 3 years but they won £800 yesterday then they will be happy and this fuels the cycle. The same goes for losing. If you lost £500 yesterday, you will want to get it back straight away, even if you won £2000 the week before. Gamblers can't handle it either way so it is pointless gambling because we will naturally lose over time. 

We tell ourselves that we gamble for the money, but do we really? Do we ever keep it? No. Money is nothing more than gambling credits. It is just time spent playing. 

Gamblers are no more content with a win than they are happy to lose. The high is so fleeting that you won't even get chance to withdraw the so called win to your bank before you send it back to your balance to play again. All gambling wins are nothing more than loans. It will all go back in eventually so save yourself the heartache.

Leave gambling behind and focus on the pain. You say you don't want this anymore so change it. I gambled every single day for 20 years. I tried giving up for about 5 years, off and on but still relapsing and struggling to stop. Now I have not gambled since early 2017.

It can be done. 

You just have to hate it enough. Gambling is like staying in an abusive relationship. We keep going back for more, despite the pain, the hurt....we think it is going to change.

Gambling will not change, so it's up to us to do that instead.

Get out and make a good life for yourself. You have your whole future ahead of you.

Best wishes 🙂

@lost and found.  Sorry for hijacking the original post but that reply Is quite possibly the best thing I have ever read. Thank you for taking the time to share.  So many points in there that will keep me from my next bet 

Happy to help. I wish I could have got there sooner myself. It was a very long and painful road but now I am out the other side and life is good. If I can help others get here too, then that's awesome. Wishing you all the best moving forward. Break that gambling mentality one step at a time. 

Hang in there and stay strong. 

Yes after reading lost and founds post you build on this vlad and you focus on the fact that you had another go and look what it did to you.

What are the answers you seek in life Vlad? Gambling is not the answer .

Yes explain again what you have done to someone because you need reality checks. Get yourself down to a GA meeting with a new sense of pride that you are trying to do the right thing.

You will be numb and you will feel empty. Its a drug addiction and after the urge or the high you will feel empty inside as reality dawns again.

Like any substance abuse the highs become less and less until you are taking the fix just to stop the shakes or the rattle of class A. What most of this world doesnt understand is that gambling works in the same way.

I know the gamblers chemical rush and so do you...there is nothing quite like it and our bodies were craving it at all costs. Its killing you and youve got to pick yourself up and strengthen your blocks. Dont be too hard on yourself but this is another lesson you must learn.

You can still feel it in recovery. Ive felt it recently but it immediately goes because I know gambling is like putting my hand in the hottest fire. Im crystal clear that gambling is bad for me

Its an addiction waiting to get back at you from nowhere. It will blindside you out of the blue because it lurks inside seeking its chance.

you were already a winner in many ways. You have your health and had a bit of money in your pocket. They are selling you a lie, a dream, a mugs game...you dont need it in your life.

When you both fear and respect this addiction you will need to keep learning how to face it and make it history.

Im going to sound harsh in you left a door wide open to gamble and you gambled. Its about closing that door with support from others. Classic relapse signs are you feel a bit flush, more stable happy and the mind thinks what can harm me now...then you remember the losses and the urge persuades you its sensible to have a little go to get money back.

On those odds nobody is really offering you your money back...do you understand? Youve seen the result...let it go and you will build a rainy day fund again. You need PROPER BLOCKS with close support. You ideally need to be living on a sandwich allowance.....are you clear on that?

Best wishes from everyone on the forum