So, haven't gambled in a week after a month of relapsing, binging and suicidal thought. I know that an eventual relapse is on the way so tonight i'm off to GA. I've been to three other groups and didn't continue but this is the last roll of the dice concerning my pathetic life so I've run out of options. I can honestly say I've tried everything. I will go with an open mind and a silent prayer to God or the guy whose playing me in the incredible virtual life experience simulation, sometime in the year 3000, that GA it is the place that will inspire me to stop and stay stopped.
I will keep you all on the edge of your seats waiting to hear about how it went.
In my 30's my compulsive thoughts and urges to gamble were so bad I couldn't hold onto any money and ended up homeless, twice. In my 40's, I'm now 43, I've only ended up gambling after quitting jobs. (14 jobs in last 8 years). Then I'm in self-destruct mode and nothing else matters as I honestly no longer care whether I live or die. A week ago for some reason I just said enough. I haven't thought about going to the bookies since but then again, I'm now banned. I had a positive day today. I walked 15 miles along the Kent coast which was good for my mental health, so that gave me the motivation to get to a GA meeting. I went in there positive but after hearing 10 minutes of the soundbites from the GA book I wanted to get out of there. I kept hearing obvious statements like, you need to find other things to do and gambling is selfish etc. Then feeling like utter s**t and being in a room with so many positive, jokey fellow gamblers made me feel I couldn't relate to them. One young guy, still bursting with life and conversation, shared stories that I wanted to say, "I'll take your, lost your months wages and asked your family for help" with my, "My dad dies years ago, my mums schizophrenia and I spent my childhood in care. I have no friends anymore, I've been homeless and I'm completely broken." After listening to the honest testimonies from the other guys I started to relax. I felt like a negative creep, my inner bully was screaming at me that I was hopeless, a pathetic loser, not even able to relate to fellow compulsive gamblers. But the guy who ran the meeting is very sincere and he is the reason why I'll be going back. I simply have to otherwise I'm doomed! GA is a great place to offload stories of waiting at midnight for your money to go in so you can lose your months wages overnight. It's a relief to know, you are one of many who have screwed up again and again with this addiction. If you can, get to a meeting. Give it a go. It might be the one thing that stops you gambling? In tonight's meeting there were a few people who can say this group has helped change their lives.
Hope this helps.
I advise you to read Allen Carr's book. Trust me. I hate books. Never read them. But I didnt have a choice so I did. There are so many eye openers in the book. It really unwires your brain and removes the desire to gamble. I read it again. And it really opened my eyes again. The problem is that I forget it in 3 months. So now Im gonna read it every 3 months until I die!
Anyway, good job mate. Stay strong. Im here if you want to talk. Keep posting and updating your status. Seems like you will benefit a lot from the GA meetings. Take care, buddy.
Hi hope your feeling a little more positive after your meeting. It's so hard to understand this destructive addiction. Life has been cruel by the sounds of it, but you and only you can change it. For me the realisation that I have used gambling to escape the reality of life has been an eye opener. I am learning when I get into that I can't cope with this any more to really question the true reason why I have the urge to gamble. The main thing I have learnt in the past weeks is that you have to be honest with yourself first and foremost. I am waiting for counselling to start shortly and even though I know it will mean, rackingup things from my past I would rather forget. If I don't deal with the past it's liable to destroy my future. Reach out and get help it will be the best thing you have ever done
I hope counselling works for you. I know where my problems stem from and I've been brave enough to share that with a counsellor, it didn't help. That's not to say it won't work for you. I've allowed fear to rule my life and so I avoid the things I fear the most. I have made attempts to overcome that by facing my fears and so far it hasn't helped either. Some days I feel life is hopeless. However, probably from watching too many movies, I've always had a feeling that there will be a happy ending for me. I'll cling on to that delusion for the time being.
I am trying.
All the best.