38 days since I last gambled.
Today was hard. I had a tough weekend emotionally, felt very distant from my partner and numb to life really. Could barely get out of bed this morning. I barely have enough money for fuel to get to work this week after someone didn't pay their bill to me for some self employed work so I am without about £300 until next weekend- money I was relying on. I think this is my trigger today.
I wanted so badly to gamble today. I didn't. But I felt like stopping my car at a bookies and going in to play a slot machine. Something I didn't do before- I was an online gambler only but I've put every block in place. Even though I had £10 in my purse and could have 'got away' with it- I didn't. So that's good.
I also had a nightmare last week that I had relapsed and spent £1000s again. It was horrible, I woke up thinking I had destroyed everything, again. Sick ness in the pit of my stomach. Was awful. I hope that there's not many more of them- horrible! But maybe a good reminder of that unbearable sinking feeling...
Hoping everyone is staying strong on their mission to stop gambling! The support of coming on here to post is really fantastic.
Unexpected bills are often triggers.
Ive had a few myself in last few months, but I remind myself that whilst gambling has got me out of tight spots in the past, it’s also sunk me further far more regularly. Hang on to your tenner!!
Well done for not breaking. Recognising triggers and talking about them is really positive. You’re doing great.
Of course you wanted to gamble , that’s another trigger or always was for me being short of money ? Even though I had little I was still prepared to gamble in the hope of making more and if I did.... well you know how that story ends . You did well to resist the urge and that will make you even more stronger when the next one strikes . The dreams do stop trust me and in time will be replaced by a good nights sleep where your last thoughts nor your first waking ones will be about gambling but it does take time . 38 days is a huge start , keep pushing forward and remember why your here 👍 . Best wishes for now 🌈
Barely enough money for fuel is actually enough. Can you conserve a little along the way if that would help you feel less stressed? Bear in mind as the money situation sorts out you will eventually be able to have an emergency fund but that won't happen if you gamble.
Cash can be a temptation. Do you really need to carry even £10? It was enough for Mr L to keep the fire of addiction burning which in turn led to another bout of destruction. He now doesn't even carry small change routinely and channels all his spending through the joint account which I monitor very regularly. If you really need to have it can you show your partner receipts for what you've spent? Keeping yourself accountable is a valuable block.
My emotional triggers were my pains not healed, my fears not faced, my frustrations were due to my unreasonable expectations of people life and situations, my boredom was due to me not being motivated, and my loneliness was due to my fears of emotional intimacy.
By investing time and effort in to the recovery program I would recognize how other people dealt with those emotional urges.
The old dreams use to unsettle me.
There were times that I woke up in a cold sweat I thought I was going out of my mind.
Yet what was strange that the guilt that hit me felt very real, when I woke up from the dream it took some effort to identify that I felt very guilty having dreams that I was gambling. again.
Once I woke up and got more settled in myself the guilt reduced and I would identify it was not real.
On a few occassions I woke up from the dream and even thought I had chips in me hands, it was so real that my brain told me I physically I had chips in my hands.
Once I put a lot of time and effort in to my recovery and handed over all of my finances and started to abstain my recovery was going to become much easier.
The money was just the fuel for my addiction.
I did not respect myself and I did not respect money.
I was unable to show appreciation and gratitude sincerely.
Each time I went back to my addictions I needed to understand what was my last emotional trigger.
Please keep going to meetings, you will benefit from it in so many ways.
Love and peace to every one.
AKA Dave of Beckenham
I use to fear computers at one time.
People use to talk about finances and spread sheets, was that another language I did not know about.
Then I over came my fear of computers.
Then I started to write things down.
My needs on a daily basis, my wants on a daily basis, my goals on a weekly basis, I wrote down spread sheets every week.
Then I opened up a book with 12 pages each page representing a month.
After one year I would clear the whole book but leave name of bills on the spread sheets.
Then name spread sheet by the next year and so on.
This helped me see my finances very clearly.
I am sure some people thought I was obsessive about it yet it made every thing so clear for me about our finances.
I even use to think that if I stopped gambling I would be happy, it did not happen that way.
I use to think that if I paid off all of my my debts gambling I would be happy, it did not happen that way.
Then the question what was happiness.
Understanding our emotional triggers and being able to deal with things in a much healthier way helped me become so much healthier and even some times mature.
Love and peace to every one.
AKA Dave of Beckenham
All the best with your recovery.
With regards to the nightmares about still gambling. These plagued me at first but did reduce with time, eventually they became a bit of a double edged sword. The sickening feeling when waking was soon replaced with a satisfaction that it hadn’t actually happened and it strengthened my resolve further.