Where do I start? ?

@jgee Compulsive gamblers tend to be compulsive liars as well. The two seem to go hand in hand and if you just ask him the chances are he’ll have an excuse or belittle your worries.

I’ve been the gambler who has denied everything and I’ve also talked to someone who I’ve known has gambled but absolutely swore he hadn’t. It’s quite uncanny seeing it in action yet knowing that was how I lived my life.

The only way I know is to be direct and have facts to hand. If you get fobbed off follow that through with asking for evidence. You almost need to give the gambler no way to go without being honest.

If I was talking to the gambler I would tell them to tell you everything. Get everything out, however bad it is, it’s better to do it in one go instead of telling you what you want to hear but keeping something back which they’ll deal with themselves, like a loan or credit card. That becomes a secret that will become a relapse.

Any questions please ask.

Chris.

Hello @jgee and welcome to the forum.

I've been in a similar position as my husband is a compulsive gambler. As Chris says, have evidence and be persistent as your husband may be defensive and try to fob you off or be in denial. I also agree that you insist he tells you everything. In my case, I kept uncovering more loses over the space of a few weeks and it was really tough, feeling betrayed all over again each time. 

Try to find a time when you are both calm and have time to talk things through properly. As hard as it is, if he does open up, let him talk and try not to be too judgemental. I said some really harsh, cruel things when I confronted my husband and I regret it now. Having said that, you have every right to explain how his gambling has impacted you. 

Protect your own finances and look after your own wellbeing. The advisers here can he a great help if you ever need it.

Best wishes.

J

@chris-uk 

Hi Chris. Thanks for the reply. He is a compulsive liar and I’ve already done the “without evidence” approach which was almost pointless. I told him I knew he was gambling but didn’t tell him how I knew - I didn’t want to give him the opportunity to shut me out altogether. I have the evidence and as soon as I let him know, he’ll make sure he covers his tracks better and I will have nothing to go on.  I have at least 6 months of bank transactions for gambling and thousands of pounds wasted when we have debts to pay. It’s heartbreaking but I know I have to call him out and show him what I have so he can’t fob me off with excuses. 
I’m trying to find the right moment but every time I try to pluck up the courage to start the conversation I bottle it. It’s been going on for years - and is getting worse - I wish I had stepped in sooner. ?

@jess27 

Hi Jess

Thanks for replying and thanks for your advice. 
Did you approach your husband about his gambling or did he come to you with it?

I almost feel guilty for the discomfort I’m going to cause him (if that makes sense). I know how bad he will feel when I give him nowhere to turn by presenting him with cold hard evidence and that will only be the tip of the ice berg - he withdraws £100s in cash around the same time as his gambling transactions which I have no way of tracing and I know he spends way too much on lottery tickets and has friends place bets for him online in the pub. He will definitely be the one feeling betrayed ?

Hi @jgee

I confronted my husband. It had been going on for years and I'd had no idea. To this day I can't believe how naive I was! I found bank statements and challenged him. He was defensive at first then broke down. It was a really tough time.

He said that he had got into a hole and been desperately chasing losses. Thankfully he stopped once I knew and so far has abstained for almost 2 years but I am never complacent. I can account for every penny we both spend now.  He's a good person and I have stood by him but it has been tough. Things will never be what they were and I struggle at times to come to terms with the deceit and money lost. This site has really helped me.

J

@jess27

I know I need to confront him too. I just need to find the right time. He’s a good man, and we have a good, strong marriage so I’m hoping we’ll get through it and that it doesn’t all backfire on me. 
I can’t leave it much longer - he’s wasting so much money and we have so many debts to pay off ☹️. Thanks for getting back to me. 

Hi JGee, I am in exactly the same position as you. I know my husband is gambling and when I confronted him he repeatedly denied it, then threw out all of his bank statements (we have separate accounts as well as a joint one). Now I’m left with just two that prove what he’s been doing. The problem is I only have them because I deliberately looked in his things behind his back so I can’t use them unless I’m willing to confess to “snooping” (I doubt he’ll use such a polite word). I know it’s hard but this is ruining your life as well as his. Plus where does it stop if you don’t do it now.

I know there’s no easy way to broach this subject. If I had legitimate evidence I would try the “we have a problem…l’ve found these…” Then prepare yourself to try and have a slow measured conversation. No talking over each other and no yelling. 

I wish you luck x

It is a hard conversation to have. I'm the world's worst for avoiding conflict and confrontation. Once everything is out in the open though you can hopefully start to resolve things.

Good luck. It's tough I know. 

J

Heeyy

I’ve done it! I’ve made a start anyway and already I am feeling a little bit relieved. I know we probably have a long road ahead but I’m glad I’ve finally confronted him. He didn’t take it too well to begin with but I gave him the proof as soon as I could before he started wriggling out of the truth. A bit of anger about invading his privacy but I kept going back to the real issue and why we were having the conversation. All in all it was fairly calm and he accepted he had a problem. He told me some of his triggers - which we are going to work on - but I’m sure I will have a big job on my hands. Thank you so far to the people who got in touch. Feeling hopeful ?

@anonymous-113 thank you for your advice. I’ve confronted hubby and it went really well. Kept it calm and on topic, reassured him the conversation was about helping him with an addiction rather than ‘snooping’ or invading his privacy. He did try and turn it back on me for reading his bank statements but I told him why I did it and how important it was for us to work together to get him help. I’m ready to make my next move in the hope he doesn’t go off and change passwords and cancel statements etc. 

Its a shame you didn’t take pics of the old bank statements (harsh, I know but it definitely helps having proof). I told hubby I was trying to protect our marriage, our family and our future - I think this hit home with him as he fell silent and that’s when he admitted he had a problem. I feel so much better after our conversation as I’ve been worrying about it daily but so glad I’ve started the ‘recovery journey’ ? 

@jgee

Well done for talking to him. It must be a huge relief. At least everything is out in the open now and you can start moving forward. ?

@jess27 thank you, it is a huge relief. I just need to make sure I keep things going now and keep supporting him in getting on the right track. 
Can I ask you how you manage to keep track of what he’s spending? I would like to take complete charge of all our money but I’m not sure if hubby will accept that. I’m hoping he’ll go with whatever I suggest next, knowing he’s accepted the problem. 

We have a joint account for our salaries and outgoings and we each see statements for that. We each have an individual savings account now that we are building our finances back up a bit, but we regularly view each other's statements. We also have a shared credit card. 

Some people find it helps if the gambling addict gives control of all finances to their partner. It depends what works best for you both. For some, no access at all to money helps remove the temptation.

Depending how your husband gambles, he can put blocks in place, such as downloading blocking software on any devices if he gambles online. It also helps to find new hobbies or interests which can he a distraction. 

Take care of yourself as it can be very hard on partners. I found my emotions were all over the place. Sometimes I wanted to support and help him, but I also felt really angry and betrayed at times. It is possible to get through it though if you both work at it. 

J