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A1993
(@a1993)

Hi All,

This is my first post on here so I will explain a bit about my history with gambling.

From 18-22 I gambled a lot of money which put me in a serious amount of debt, as it does a lot of people, I won big twice £XX & £XX however i lost that in a matter of days plus more. I spent years chasing that back, I went hungry, I owed my wages out of every month, I struggled badly with my mental health, I lost relationships with  family and friends. I had debt up to my eye balls, I tore my family apart and eventually got help. I had gambling counciling which to be honest I didn’t feel at the time done much however I took it upon myself to stop and signed up to gamcare which I’m self excluded for 6 years. I’m self excluded from shops in the local area and I hadn’t gambled for 2 years.

I since moved on and have a loving partner who is everything and more and we are expecting parents very soon, however for the last couple of months I started gambling again! However it appears any bad news or financial difficulties my first thought is to turn to gambling. 

my partner is aware as I’ve hit a point I couldn’t cope with the lies eating me alive however rightly she does not trust me right now, and I don’t know how I can make her not feel like this is going to happen again. 

I managed to gamble this time round as a so called “friend” allowed me log on details and card details to use their account, I am not blaming them as it’s solely my own wrong doing even though they was well aware of my troubled past. I have since cut contact with this person. 

I know how to stop as i hadn’t gambled for two years, however I do not know how to gain the trust of my partner to reassure her that this will not happen again. 

I have emailed Gordon moody as well for advice but Any other advice would be welcomed.

 

This topic was modified 3 weeks ago by Forum admin
Quote
Posted : 18th April 2021 1:21 pm
Forum admin
(@forum-admin)
Admin

Hello A1993 and welcome to the GamCare forum.

Thank you for sharing your story. You've done so much to help prevent yourself gambling, like signing up to Gamstop, but you find yourself turning to gambling again when things are tough. External triggers can be a problem for a lot of people and I'm sure other forum users will be able to post their suggestions of how they cope with these. You've also made the very strong decision to avoid someone in your life who was prepared to enable your gambling. That can't have been easy. 

It looks like you've tried or considered a number of treatment options. You might also want to have a look at our online self-study course Gamechange which among many other things, looks at coping with life stresses, avoiding relapses and coping with gambling urges.
https://www.gamcare.org.uk/self-help/gamechange/

Understandably you're worried about how your partner feels at the moment. How she feels is going to be very personal to her and outcomes are never guaranteed but you do need to give it time. Actions are more important than words at times like this. Keep working on yourself, putting as many blocks in place as you can. Some couples in your situation find it helpful if the non-gambling partner has control of all the finances, or at least is able to see your accounts. We have more suggestions about managing money here: https://www.gamcare.org.uk/self-help/money-management/

You might also find it helpful to start an online diary in our Recovery Diaries section:
https://www.gamcare.org.uk/forum/recovery-diaries/

You'd also be very welcome to contact our HelpLine on 0808 8020 133 or Livechat with one of our advisers. We're here 24/7.

Keep posting,

Deirdre
Forum Admin 

ReplyQuote
Posted : 19th April 2021 11:48 am
Charlieboy
(@charlieboy)

Hi A1993, obviously partners deal with things in different ways, but I think from experience and all I've read on here the vast majority of partners will learn to trust again but it takes time and not something that can be rushed. She probably will never fully trust you again and that's ok, should we ever be fully trusted? Are you totally transparent with finances can she access your accounts? Can she access your credit score? All these things build up that trust and show your commitment to change. Your partner feels very vulnerable at the moment and will continue to feel vulnerable when you have a newborn, more than once she will probably have thought about how good a dad you're going to be. I'm the compulsive gamblers ( 10 months in recovery) in our house and I totally understand your issues but you've done it before and you will do it again. My son is 16years old and I have many regrets about my gambling you have a chance to get this right before your child grows up. Grab it with both hands

ReplyQuote
Posted : 19th April 2021 12:44 pm
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