So this will be long and maybe I’m just doing this to finally write how I feel, maybe at least one person will take solace in my words.
I’m a 31 year old man and I am completely addicted to gambling and at its mercy. Maybe I’m weak? Everyone always say ‘do you really NEED to gamble?’ Well no not like I need to breathe but I absolutely cannot fight it and stop it. I’ve been addicted since I was 18, so coming up to 14 years now and 95% of that time has been miserable. I’ve lived pay to cheque since I was 18 earning good money as an engineer but always having to borrow money before the months end, without fail, always with a new excuse. I’d get paid on the 31st and by the 1st/2nd it’s mostly gone. I’ve learnt to live off £150 for 3 weeks and borrow £50-100 for the last week of the month by eating bread and ham basically and super noodles.
I’ve told myself countless times that ‘this is the month I stop, it’s a new me! I’ll save 10% of my wages, I’ll do this on the side and I’ll change my life around!’. I’ve been saying that since I was 19 years old. I’ve lost well over 400k and suffered with serious depression which led to a failed suicide attempt, and that stems from gambling. It’s utterly destroyed me, I’ve always had to make excuses as to why I can’t go places etc and have missed out on so much and that’s a truly sad thing as life is too short.
Every month I tell my girlfriend how the bank has taken money out of my account again and have to lie as to why we can’t eat properly, and if I was on my own this would be fine but I have just had a beautiful 3 month old that this month I had to use 5ps to buy nappies for and for someone who earns over 50k a year now that is disgraceful. Everyday I look at his face and feel utter disgust, if I was single and couldn’t eat and ruined my life then so be it but how I can carry on when he’s around and my girlfriend is beyond me. This month I struggled so so so hard to get to pay day and I finally got there and had so many plans to save money, to buy the boy some stuff and to treat my girlfriend the way she deserves to be treated. So I stayed up until half 1 until I got paid and took the day off work to gamble. What a f*****g loser. I was down £800 in no time, same old same old. Oh hold on I’ve now won that back and am actually up £150!!! Wow life is great it’s fine I’ll withdraw that and no one will ever know and I’ll treat my family the way they should be treated. And now here I am having £150 in my account and it’s the 2nd of the month. I feel the only way I can stop this is to just kill my self. My girlfriend would get a nice payout from work and could meet a nice bloke to take care of them both as I obviously can’t. Who knows what I’ll do but for anyone reading please don’t be me, don’t end up like. It’s a horrible way to live and a waste of life. For me to get back on track is too far gone i feel and I’ve tried many many times to stop but for some reason I just can’t. I could ramble on for hours but I’m just here to ramble and self loathe as I’ve really had enough.
Cheers
Hi Aaron. I’m sorry ,things are so bad for you right now. Please talk to someone about your thoughts of suicide. That’s definetly not the answer. Think of your beautiful boy, I can tell how much you love him , he needs you. Your only 31, you have many years ahead of you. You can turn your life around personally and financially if you don’t gamble. Start reading stories on this site and you will realize your not alone in how you feel. And read the success stories. People are gf for years. Read their first post then read how much better their life is without gambling. It really is inspirational. Keep posting and you’ll get help with the steps you need to take to get your life back.
You can do this. Carol.
Hi Aaron,
Please get yourself to a Gamblers Anonymous meeting asap & keep attending, ideally at least twice a week.
In the meantime if you want to stop do the following.
Self exclude using Gamstop
Self exclude from any bookmakers, casinos etc. If you have to make a personal visit, take no cash or cards with you while you self exclude.
Hand control of your finances over to someone you trust (parent ? sibling ? girlfriend ? ).
You must remove easy access to cash & credit.
Admit your problems to people close to you.
Don't try and solve all your problems at once, your priority is simply to stop gambling a day at a time.
Believe me, you may find telling that first person difficult, you may find it difficult to walk into your first GA meeting, however you will feel an enormous wave of relief once you do.
Find your nearest GA meeting
https://www.gamblersanonymous.org.uk/
On the upside, you have a partner, a child & a well paid job. You are only 31 - you have the rest of your life ahead of you, but you must stop for good. I think you already know that there can be no "normal gambling" ever for you.
The steps above will just get you on your way to recovery, but understand that you will have to work your recovery every day.
It will be worth it & it can be done.
Hi Aaron
Your post made me sad and I am sure many of us can relate to the feelings that you are experiencing.
Firstly get some help. You have taken the step by reaching out here. Now speak to Gamcare and think about talking to your partner or someone else you trust. You need to put blocks in place and get some therapy.
You have great possibilities ahead of you but you are locked into an addiction and at the moment you can see no way out of it. There is another way and you can find much more fulfilling ways to spend your time, but you just can’t see it yet. You can’t do this on your own so talk to as many people as you can and keep reading and writing here.
Keep going. Many of us know how you feel right now but with help you can turn your life around-one day at a time.
Hi all
Thanks for writing and sharing links etc I’ve found out when my nearest meeting is and will be attending next Wednesday.
After waking up and once again feeling utterly ashamed of myself (a feeling I’m used to), and the inevitable feelings of ‘what I could of spent the money on’ etc, I suddenly get this strange feeling everytime, a feeling of pure relief that I have no money left to gamble with so I can’t. When I actually used to have money I would stay awake all night gambling and then gamble on my phone on the way to work, at work, on the way home from work and then all night again. I even started to dream of reels spinning a few times which is when I first realised that I had a serious problem. Take away my access to gambling (money) I can’t physically do it, pure and utter relief! I dread payday because I know what will happen, the feelings of ‘well just £100 won’t hurt’ the thoughts of building myself up and believing this time I’ll stop to then crash down as hard as ever, everytime. Now I love money as well all do but I’m my most happiest when I don’t have any because of gambling. I mean I have a miserable existence because of no money but I don’t have to worry abouthat gambling because I can’t do it! When I get paid, in my mind I would always try and work out what I can spend on food and bills etc and then the rest is for gambling, sometimes I’d be in a shop and think to myself ‘hmm £15 for that seems a bit expensive’ but happily go home and lose £300! Strange really how gambling changes perception of everything really.
So I started to think how I can tell people, my gf, my mum, friends and really have yet to come up with an answer but after seeing my son this morning and the feeling of letting him down this early on in his life, I know I need to do something now and I feel if I don’t give it a really good try, a proper go at it, then it’ll probably be the end for me sadly as there really would be no point continuing a life that leads nowhere at all. I know I need to do this for him but ultimately for myself as well and I’ll give it a real good shot and this is the start of doing that I guess.
Looking back on the last 13/14 years I really have never had any highs gambling. I had fun don’t get me wrong, in the bookies with mates etc or following bets that occasionally win, down the casino playing poker etc and it would of been fun if I could gamble what I can afford but I can’t, I would gamble my whole bank account without fail every month. Now my killer is online slots, I’d go as high as £10 a spin which is ludicrous and the funniest thing of all? For someone who has played slots as much as me and as high as £10 a spin my highest ever win is £2100. So really what is the point when you look at it? It’s not about the money, it never is, there’s something inside me that I just can’t control at the moment but I did always think I would hit a big win at some point. Now on the other side I have had many many lows and boy do they hit harder than the (very rare) highs. My lowest point? Obviously the attempted suicide but also gambling on my phone in the hospital whilst my girlfriend was in labour (yes, really!), I’m very ashamed of that and always will be but now is the time to try and move forward as I think I’m now at a crossroad that go very very different ways. I’ll continue to post here and will read here as well and maybe, just maybe last night was my last ever time I gambled.
Hi Aaron you've taken a huge step writing down these thoughts. Get to that meeting , no excuses. Keep going regardless of whether you like it or not even if you just sit and listen. Hand over your finances. Seriously as you say once the money isn't there you don't gamble. If you don't want to hand over to your gf find a basic bank account (starling, monzo, Barclays are starting bank accounts with gambling blocks). Sign up to gamstop, now, for the full 5 years. You need to find a new hobby, maybe help more with the baby, read, self help, Anything! I'm the wife of someone who has made all those promises and excuses, 20 years. Your gf probably has suspicions too, where is all your money? Honesty is part of recovery. Finally gambling damages your mental health as you are experiencing, go to your gp stop dealing with this alone. Get some help.
Hi Aaron, Did you call a problems gamblers hotline? I did that a few times and it was a godsend. Compulsive Gambling is an addiction; bottom line, it's an addiction. WE all know. All the details of how life played out due to this addiction are our stories and to be respected because it's so hard BUT , there IS help available and it can be done... Bless you, this journey of recovering is well worth the effort. Let go, let god reach out. Take it easy on yourself, because it's an addiction it's not really your best self aactting out. Us addicts need some caring and understanding for ourselves not being too hard on ourselves is good. Glad you are here. Post more. tara2
Hi Aaron - well done! Well done for starting your feed - well done for calling out for help! - your storey is so near to mine and you have so much going for yourself, you’re son, you’re partner, a good job. (If I stopped there it’s great)!! Ok in the past you gambled everything you could. Today you did not gamble! Well done! One day at a time, get to meetings give you’re money to someone else to look after. Put the barriers up! Share your thought and fears with forum! And also thank you for being here! Take care
Join gamstop initially. Honestly by far the best thing I have done to get control on my habit. I cannot deny that the urge isn't there at least once a week or more after up to 9 months of joining but the fact of the matter is I can't get on any online sites whatsoever. So there is nothing I can do about it. My gambling problem is online based. Doing it behind a screen was secretive and it was like my cash was so disposable as I physically didn't have it in my hand. Crazy how much I had spent over the span of years. The debt I have accumulated is also unreal but instead of it now getting me down most months to the point I would have the most unimaginable thoughts, I am slowly chipping away at it. Best of luck to you in getting the help you need, gamcare is such a great platform for sharing your experiences and worries.
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ALN wrote: Aaron, crikey buddy so many similar stories to your own. Well paying jobs but an emotional illness that's driving gambling and destroying not only your life but everyone around. The only way out of this hole is to want to live again and draw a line. Your mental health is probably at the lowest it's ever been and let's face it can no longer handle gambling. You have to reveal all to those around, come clean, everything, only with a strong foundation can you move forward. Once coming clean revert to K2's earlier list, everything you need to do thereafter is listed. I'd probably also seek some support for depression and anxiety as something is driving the need for self destruction. It would be a dream to see you on here with a daily diary moving forward and see you rebuilding your life. There's a better life for you and your family. Just need to make that big jump to start. Tell them tomorrow if not done tonight. ALN
Will be telling the girlfriend today, safe to say I’m pretty nervous! But it has to be done. I like the idea of a daily diary, will start after I’ve told the girlfriend. As I said in a previous post, I have the feeling of a morbid inner peace at the moment due to not having the funds to gamble but on the flip side the utter dread and despair of another month living off bread etc but at least I’ve made a start on a journey to a better life. I must say that it’s good to get it off my chest and speak to people who know how you feel and have been there
Go luck with telling your girlfriend xx
good luck with telling your girlfriend
Hi Aaron,
Hope the weekend went well & you managed to open up with your girlfriend.
Please make the GA meeting this Wednesday - it will be a very important step in your recovery.
Aaron, everything you have said about yourself resonates with me as you are in the same situation as I am. I am 30 and have pretty much been gambling since 18, I have a young child and partner, I earn very good money and I can tell you the best thing to do is simply be honest and open with those who love you. Whilst it is the hardest thing and I can assure you they won't understand and their likely first response will be just stop, but you need to persist and try and show them various articles and explain your thoughts to them so they understand how low you are, how dangerous this illness is and how you need help and support. It is my view that people who don’t have addictive personalities or traits simply can’t process this and need tangible examples and proof before trying to understand.
About two years ago I had the same problem as you, but I was fortunate that I had come off the back of a large win, but I was gambling such high stakes and always chasing big losses that one day when I had lost a lot of my winnings I just broke down and simply had enough of it. The first thing I did was contact GamCare and spoke to someone on the phone, explained how low I was and I was able to arrange 8 free one on one counselling sessions that GamCare provide and these were a life saver.
Not only did we talk about gambling, we spoke about me, my life, stresses and pretty much anything and everything. During the counselling sessions, I was surprised to realise that I wasn’t solely addicted to gambling purely for the money, as even when I won a large sum, I wanted my daily fix. I believe it is important to find your ‘triggers’ for your addictions. I think that mine are stress – Gambling can be an escape from reality and the boring, mundane life, thrill – The rush I gain from gambling is immense and greed – I always want to earn more, the easiest possible way. My counsellor helped me with ideas to try and replace these triggers with other things, for example – the gym for stress, spending time with my son for the buzz and thrill and working harder or having a side project to achieve more money.
Whilst it has been almost two years since this happened, I quit gambling for months successfully and recently I have been back gambling (albeit not as much as earlier). I am about to sign up to GamStop which is a self exclusion program that many online casinos have signed up to. I am annoyed and upset with myself for gambling again, but through the counselling and my increased knowledge, I have been able to have a word with myself and in the coming days and weeks I will be going back to basics and I will be going to the gym, spending time with my beautiful son and working hard and I won’t be beaten by gambling and neither will you Aaron, you just need to understand your triggers and yourself better to change your life.
Remember, you are likely to have blips along the way, but honesty, communication with your loved ones and understanding yourself and the illness better will allow you to be more in control.
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