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Press reset button.......again  

 
jayjh
(@jayjh)

Three years since I first realised I was in deep and now on maybe my fourth reset. The only 'good' thing this time is that there is no credit debt just the loss of additional cash in hand. Money that my family would not normally know about but even so I feel it has now reached the point of no return. I need to pull the plug and quit quick. Initially I betted to raise some funds for a campervan and for which a time I had  a large sum of cash to put down but inevitably that all went plus more besides. We have recently purchased a camper van and because of this I have convinced myself that my last bet has been taken but old habits and all that ........After getting caught out again over the weekend with a three week old betting slip left in my wallet ( I am sure it was my last bet although difficult to be 100% but it was around that time )  I have convinced myself  I wanted it found. Maybe I really did because I must have known my wife would look in my wallet when I was out of the house even though she said trusted me......But now she knows for sure - again - and I need to face facts quickly. This is real and I fear she may tell me I have had enough chances. After joining GA in Aug 2018 I went more than 9 months without a single bet and without even thinking about it. I was a steady attendee, listened, talked, sucked up all the advice I could and believed in myself, and more to the point my wife believed me. Life was great. The odd amounts of cash that came my way were spent on lunches and a beer here and there, I was even giving some away to homeless people with not even a thought about stepping into the bookies and feeling really good about myself. Some 10 weeks ago for some unknown reason that changed again and I thought I could double this small amount of cash easily and for a while I did, turning it into a reasonable sum which then all disappeared on one ill advised bet - my last.  Maybe I didn't even want the money hence the ill advised bet and what would I have done with it anyway?  I could hardly go home and tell my wife of my good fortune......... So here I am again. I'm not sure GA will be a help this time around. I know what they will say and yes I'll believe it for a while and then probably drop back into my old ways so this morning I have requested some one on one counselling sessions in the hope that they can get into my head and figure out why and maybe what the triggers are.  Another angle is needed I feel. Just writing this is cathartic with a sense of load shifting already. My job can be stressful at times but I feel I have it under control ...... or do I ??  Maybe this person can help me out with this. If I have taken anything from GA it is 'one day at a time......' and I am nearly a month in again so its a start but in that time I have had no ready cash so........but I really want to and really need to quit this time....and there cant be any excused.

It really is all or nothing this time and I don't mean R*d or black.......

Quote
Posted : 16th September 2019 1:42 pm
Joydivider
(@joydivider)

Hi Jayjh and welcome to the forum.

I hope you will now start to learn what is really needed for a hard reset. Its a born again moment when you realise it had you completely under the control of an addiction. You were/are not in control of your own mind and that will take some time to recover from

You need to tell your wife again and hand over control of cash to someone trusted who doesnt gamble.

Your writing will be cathartic but it shows the addiction and confusion that the gambling addiction creates.

That camper van will be towed off one day if you continue to gamble and everything you hold dear is on borrowed time.

Recovery is a journey and you should feel a sense of relief that you are getting help....Money is no good in your pocket at the moment....do you understand that because this is about saving your life?

If you dont like being on a shirt or petrol allowance then you are not ready....forget the loss of trust...people are dying as a result of this addiction and you need to put things into perspective.

I go in blunt now because the reality checks are what you need. You dont need soft soaping as you have some cold turkey to do just like any substance addiction.

When you actually start at square one you will do this. If you leave doors open you will relapse and the addiction comes at you on any bad day out of the blue.

Its an illness as your bank statements will prove to you. Again you need to be ready for tough talking as some people just cant handle being called ill with an addiction.

You can be cured and your mind will heal but there is no room for complacency ever again. Your aim is a serenity to accept that and be happy living with it

Best wishes from everyone on the forum

This post was modified 1 month ago 2 times by Joydivider
ReplyQuote
Posted : 17th September 2019 3:00 am
jayjh
(@jayjh)

Thanks for the welcome .......and the harsh truth JD

I played football to a decent level when I was younger and I was always one that responded better to a shouting at than a cuddle...so thank you 

Sometimes I fear I can be very blase about my situation. I am naturally a confident person and as such can convince myself as well as others - quite easily - that I have things under control. Thankfully my wife can now  see straight through that so that option has closed 

Now is the time to truly face up. I have my first one to one session with a counsellor next week, something which I fought against a year ago when I last started the clock instead taking the option to seek the help of my local GA group. They were great and very helpful with plenty of advice but after 6 months of weekly meetings and no bets of any sort whatsoever I told myself I was good for one meeting a month after which things slowly began to unravel and by 9 months I was back under its spell albeit smaller stakes than previous. I know I should have either admitted to my wife or sought the help of the GA group but I thought I had it under control as well as carrying a small amount of self shame and embarrassment which I didnt want to admit I guess. Small amounts of loose cash which came my way through work were deposited in my local bookies which were never going to affect my families day to day life (I had long stopped online betting with self exclusions and my wife controlling the main bank accounts as well as having access to my credit reports should I ever feel the need to open up a a new bank account or apply for another personal loan or credit card )  These small amounts of cash I soon turned into larger amounts and then the pressure and the stress starts to mount again until I lost it all on one big bet since when I am now a month clear and feel better about things knowing my wife is now aware again and that I have this first meeting next week which she has agreed to attend with me.

Today I have started to read Allen Carrs  'The Easy Way to Stop Gambling'  Even after reading the first few chapters I know its not going to be as easy as he makes out but I am keeping an open mind. I will gratefully receive each and every bit of info and advice  

I have a lot to live for and hell of a lot more to lose 

Thanks for reading and understanding 

Its a long road ahead but one I am thankful I am now not taking alone ......

ReplyQuote
Posted : 17th September 2019 4:22 pm
Forum admin
(@forum-admin)
Admin

Hi jayjh,

We are glad you are receiving support via our forum and also that you have some treatment sessions starting soon. This sounds very positive  in your recovery from gambling.

Best Wishes

Forum Admin

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Posted : 18th September 2019 10:48 am
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