Hey all,
Hope everyone is well.
Mark here. First time posting.
Unfortunately, today has been a big set back. I recently started to address my gambling problem - been in therapy for 2 weeks or so thanks to GamCare and have been finding it very useful. I have been a problem gambler for the past 10 years or so. More recently, I have been really determined to get to grips with my problem, but honestly speaking, this motivation tends to arise more so when I'm broke and on my a*s after a total manic phase of gambling and losing. As soon as I get money, my determination to kick this and my rationale completely goes out of the window, just like today.
Yesterday, I had an amazing session with my therapist about my gambling problem. I left the convo feeling positive and started to write out an action plan. Then today, after being without money for a couple of weeks, some money dropped in my account that was owed to me and within 30 minutes I logged into one of my gambling accounts and it was all gone within minutes. I was chasing previous losses and thinking I am due and owed a win. Completely wasn't thinking about how I would survive, knowing that it would be a while again before I had any more money.
I feel so angry with myself and just can't understand why I continue to put myself through this even when I know it's destroying me and severely harming my mental and physical health. I really want my life back, a life before gambling - which seems to be a distant memory right now. I wanted to come here and write how I'm feeling as a reminder for when I get the urge to gamble again, in the hope it may deter me next time.
I plan to put some exclusion tools/software in place this week but the problem for me is when I have no money, I feel as though I have to continue to try or play the promos or take my VIP bonuses in order to try and get some money to live on and then it just becomes a vicious cycle. Now, I'm right back to square one. Maybe this needed to happen otherwise I may not have come here and read some really inspiring stories. I am trying to find the positives in this even though I feel so s*** right now.
M
Hi Mark,
I can totally relate to your post. Today is also my first time posting having been gambling free for the past 7 years until a couple of weeks ago. I got sucked in by a TV ad - next thing I know I'd downloaded the app and spent £200 on their instant win games without barely realising the downward spiral I was going into (again). To be surprise (and admiration) the app had some automatic spending limit applied (you can't spend over £500 in a week and only play 75 instants in a 24hr period. Initially this helped but I knew I still had the bug. Because I could no long play on the app I downloaded another slots one. This was worse as without any spend limits in place I'd smashed through over £1500 in one day. I had a brief reality check and deleted the app, emailed to cancel my account and went to bed. The next day when I was bored I downloaded a new one (and the cycle begins again).
Enough is (really is and has to be) enough and I refuse to put myself through this hell again. The last time it almost ruined me over about a 6-7 year period. I'm absolutely gutted as I feel that I had a handle on it. But this situation has really proven that when you have a compulsive gambling problem there really is no way to manage it and you need to go cold turkey. I still have some savings in my account (which have taken years to build up) and I WILL NOT throw that all away. I'm sure you can relate that I tell myself after a 'big win' of a few hundred pounds I will cash out... but I never do - I just move on to a new game and play higher stakes.
So I'm doing something about it - coming on to gamcare is the first step. I just went on to the live chat and was advised to download the Gamban software to block my devices from loading any gambling software. I've also registered for Gam Stop. Unfortunately it's far too easy to access gambling sites and I know I need help to stop because I don't have the willpower myself - I'm in self destructive mode and 'quit while your ahead' doesn't ever ever work.
So take my advice and do the same to help yourself stop.
Next step is to tell my husband once I've built up the courage. But talking to likeminded people on here or at a remote GA meeting will really help! It got me through it before and it will again.
Really hope you get through it.
Lis
Hey Lis,
Thank you for your reply and for sharing your own personal story. As awful as this problem may be, it is comforting to know that I'm not alone, even though I wouldn't wish this on anybody else.
I think the positive we can both take right now is that we're here and we are talking about our addiction and surely that has to be a small triumph for us? And hopefully, the first of many to come.
Much like yourself as soon as I start to gamble and hit a win, all control and common sense goes out the window. I become so engrossed in it, that it's only after I've lost everything that reality comes back and floors me. That being said, I've also had enough and I am now determined to do everything within me to beat this. As I hope you will too. I will be putting blockers all in place on Monday as hat is the day I have given myself as I also have my therapy session that day so that will hopefully help and work in conjunction with my planned actions. I think the hardest part is unpacking and sourcing the real root of our problem which can sometimes point to past traumas, which is definitely the case for myself.
But right now, well done to you for coming here and acknowledging your problem. I am wishing you all he best in your battle and I hope everything goes as well as it can when you are ready to talk to your husband. Just remember that as bad as we may feel, as guilty and terrible we may feel for our gambling, it is important that we are gentle and kind with ourselves ad show ourselves the same love we show others.
I'll be here anytime you wanna chat and look forward to hearing of your progress. Sending lots of strength and positive energy your way.
M x
Hi Mark,
I can completely relate to your post. I was only 3 weeks into my first time gambling free and relapsed. Went on a 3 day bender on online casinos that ended Tuesday with another 2k in debt.
That same night I told my support network about the relapse and the burden felt a little lighter. The next day I went to a GA meeting and the burden felt a little lighter again. When I came home I put all the blocks you could possibly think of in place GAMSTOP, GAMBAN, BANK BLOCKS etc.. (It might be worth knowing you can do gamban on a 7 day free trial initally (highly recommend).
I then handed over all my finances to my partner.
My advice is dont delay with the blocks, you are only leaving yourself open to temptation and further damage.
Relapse can happen, but you can only learn from it. For me it was that I didnt have the right preventions and support in place. I now go day by day; 'Just for today I will not gamble' has become my motto.
Accept it happened and move forward and most importantly dont delay with the preventions. Good luck Mark
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