New member. Relapsed again last night...

Thank you for your time, advice and words Dave. I'm really looking forward to starting counselling and meetings and starting to understand more about myself and what triggers me to fall back into this pattern.

Thanks mate, 

I will show her at some point but might sound a bit silly but don't feel ready to be forgiven yet at this point. Still have a lot of work to do and things to put in place first. I can't keep letting her down and making false promises.

7 days  GAMBLE FREE.

That went by fast. Still so much to do and so much to learn...

Today I booked in 3 months of personal training. I can't lie and say I'm looking forward to it, but I'm sure it will help. I also went for a run and then I ordered a pizza. Derby on tonight but I've stopped drinking for the time being whilst I get a little perspective on whats happened...

Things are better with my partner but I still feel awful and not yet ready to be forgiven but I know this will improve in time if I keep making positive steps. 

Feeling better today...

Thanks guys 

Day 8... 

Last night I didn't sleep whatsoever. Finally got 3 hours this morning at 7pm. I was watching TV....

Just one more episode...

Just one more episode...

Just one more episode...

Reminder you anything?

From a positive standpoint, managed to watch the football with no urge to gamble and I've a date set to start my personal training. My counselling assessment is tomorrow. I've left the house for two small runs over the past few days and I'll aim to get another done this evening.

Starting Russell Brands book on recovery shortly. I've done AA and although it's great and helped me last year, it's not what I need right now. Looking forward to starting this book, it's been on the shelf for a while and is graffitied with the notes of my partner who continues to make positive changes to her life which I hope I can follow.

Feels great having a place to share, whether people are reading or not, it's helping me - thank you.

Well done on your recovery Fifthteenthousand, sounds like you are great progress! And please fdo keep sharing your experiences during recovery.  Great to hear it's helping you.

Forum Admin

Hi, you are doing so well, i wish i had your willpower i have booked counselling too this morning that will be hard for me to go as i struggle to even get out of the house due to my anxiety but i need to do something my partner thinks i can stop just like that because he used to have a drink problem and he just stopped with no help, he seems to think i can do the same but i can't i do not have willpower.

Hi

You have booked counselling.

Well done I compliment you that is a very healthy step indeed.

I have had over 11 counsellors and it certainly helped me.

By you putting time and effort in to your recovery tells you are starting to value your self, keep it up.

Love and peace to every one

Dave L

AKA Dave of Beckenham

Hi, Hows it going 

Hi

I have gone back and forth from Gambling over a long period of time and felt like I let the people in the meetings down.

I felt so much pain that I felt that I did not deserve to be in the meetings.

That is not so, the people want to see me in the meetings no matter when my last bet was.

Even if I have no money it is important to get back to meetings and if possible more meetings.

Some people have found that they did not want to talk and that is fine if you attend healthy meetings they will be patient and tolerant with you.

The most important thing is to not give up on  your self.

Each time I went back to Gamble was an emotional trigger and in time I would learn what was my last emotional trigger.

Thank you for your sharing.

Dave L

AKA Dave of Beckenham

Day 11...

Hi guys - sorry for the radio silence. Super busy over the weekend, bereavements in the family unfortunately so visiting my cousins.

Still no gambling...

However I appreciate it's not these first few weeks thats the issue. I know I can abstain - but can I abstain INDEFINITELY? 

So I'm back and will keep coming back as it's a daily reminder of what I did, what I lost, what I've nearly lost and what I'm trying to get back.

I'm working SO hard to get back all I've lost and I know I can replace the money. Pride, shame are different emotions that are harder to control. It's not getting much easier in that department. 

Hope everyone is well.

I find the money aspect a side issue now, I know this has to be forever and if I can tame that demon voice telling me to gamble the money sorts itself out.

changing attitudes and mindset to life helps, keep going.

Thanks for the reply and for reading 🙂 

Just checking back in today it's actually Day 13, not that the days really matter or make a difference when you're looking to abstain completely. 

Not much to report today - had conversation with my partner about the future and her reservations, etc. Just really difficult to say what she wants to hear. Fed up of lying so I'd rather say nothing. We're not getting on very well but I hope we can get through this.

In a positive note, I've also started dieting, lost a bit of weight and can leave the house easily without anxiety. Things are improving in some respects but just feel a bit flat at the moment. Have my uncles funeral on Friday so with that hanging over me just feel a bit down I guess.

See you tomorrow everyone ! X

Day 15....

Over two weeks now, doesn't feel that long but it is what it is!

Had my first personal training session this morning. I usually go to be really late and wake up around 10 am so decided to start at 7.30 in order to try and break that habit. Glad to get started at something else and take my minds of things. Bumped into an old friend at the gym, actually the first time I enjoyed speaking to someone in two weeks.

Funeral tomorrow for my uncle, not really looking forward to that. 

Counselling is booked in for May 10th, really can't wait to get started! 

Have a good weekend everyone.

18 days now since my last monumental f**k up which I'm still reminded of daily thankfully. Obviously getting a little relaxed as each day goes by which just leads into more dangerous territory...

The fact it's take me 3 days to get back here when I said I would write each day is a stern reminder of that. It kind of reminds of AA where they say if you don't work the programme then bad habits will creep back in. Well thats true. Thankfully I've still not gambled but it's the small things and I'm by no means a well man at this point.

I'm trying though. 

Went for a lovely walk with friends today and had another sober pal round who has just hit his 100 days alcohol free. It was so inspiring to see him and his progress and really made my day and made me think about my own progress hard this afternoon.

Can't wait for my counselling to start but it couldn't come sooner as each day that passes you forget that feeling and it clouds your judgement as that devil creeps back into your mind and starts whispering that its ok. It's fine to have one small bet, why shouldn't you be allowed. etc etc. I'm sure you all know exactly what I mean. For now, he's kept at bay and I live to fight another day, until tomorrow where it starts again. 

Have great bank holiday everyone, thanks for reading.

Hi

I just could not trust myself with money, it was also a control issue which I now understand that control issues are for me very much fear based.

So once I handed over our finances I was still emotionally vulnerable hence attending more meetings helped me.

If I am at meetings I am not gambling.

I use to think that money would make me happy, I use to think getting back that lost money would make me happy, I use to think that having money would make me successful.

It was not true.

What would make me successful is my own healthy actions and being self sufficient in every avenue of my life.

I wanted some thing for nothing, I wanted some thing cheap, I wanted other people to do things for me.

In the recovery program I got to ask questions, if I knew some one had a skill I did not have I would ask them to show me how to do things for myself.

It took much longer that way yet at the end of it I would be able to fullfil certain needs of my own.

I walked in to the recovery program a non religious person, can I get healthy with out religion, I was told that recovery works for any one that is willing to do the work and put the lots of time and energy in to their recovery.

I walked in to the recovery program a very immature, very emotionally vulnerable inadequate insecure inept ignorant person, who did not understand how unhealthy I was.

My days were consumed with fears I would not recognize, I feared being honest, I feared being myself, I feared being accountable for my actions, I feared being rejected and abandoned, I feared change, I feared exposing how vulnerable I felt, feared asking questions in case people thought I was stupid or that they would ridicule me.

Today I am not consumed by fears, if I have a fear I ask myself what is the very worst that can happen, and once I am willing to accept the very worst that can happen my fears deuce drastically.

I use to get stressed out and filed with fears at the  dentist, now some times I go to sleep in the dentist chair.

I use to get stressed out and filed with fears at Christmas, the build up, the presents, worrying if thinsg will go well, will people turn up, will we have enough food.

Now at Christmas no fears, we get all things done the day before, I do not worry about presents, we just express our love at Christmas, we give our grand children small presents. 

I use to get stressed out and filled with fears Tax time every year, now we pay a small amount each month to cover our taxes, we do the paperwork and have it pain with a day or so of filing our taxes.

No fears, more trust, we understand more about our our needs our want and our goals.

Each day we have lists of our needs written down, each day we have lists of our wants written down, each day we have lists of our goals written down, it makes it so much easier being healthy and organized in every avenue of our life.

I was very much stunted in my growth between abstaining and getting my a*s in to gear.

Every action has consequences, every unhealthy action and unhealthy words has unhealthy consequences, every healthy action and healthy word has healthy consequences.

Only when I am able to respect myself am I able to respect other people.

Only when I am able to love myself am I able to love other people.

Only when I am able to more patient and tolerant with myself am able to more patient and tolerant with other people.

The serenity prayer helped me in so many ways, the only person I can change is myself, I am not able to stop people being unhealthy, that has to be their own choice.

The date of my last bet is not important to me today, it is how healthy I am today.

On walking in to the recovery I was so lost and confused, even in to thinking that Gambling controlled my life.

I did not know understand that Gambling was a away of escaping people life and situations.

I did not know understand that my panic was due to huge amount of fears that I was living in.

I was even told that being angry was healthy, today I understand that anger was an unhealthy reaction to my pains that were not healed, that my anger was an unhealthy reaction to my fears that were not faced, that my anger was an unhealthy reaction to my frustrations that were due to my unreasonable expectations of people life and situations.

Due to my unreasonable expectations of people life and situations other people were not hurting me, I was hurting  myself. Time and time again not learning from the pains.

I walked in to the recovery completely unaware of how unhealthy I was, I was often told by people just stop, it was not that easy for sure.

People just do not know or understand how serious an addiction is.

Love and peace to every one

Dave L

AKA Dave of Beckenham