Hi guys, I'm Carl and here's my story for what its worth. Ever since I was 18 I have gambled, it started with small stake accumulators around the local betting shop until I was 25. I met my partner when I was 21 and we have been together for what would be 10 years in May. When I was 25 I was diagnosed with health anxiety, I was off work for around a month or so and a friend of mine introduced me to online in-play betting. This was probably the start of the problem. I spent that time off work gambling all day everyday. Anyway I went on medication for the anxiety and panic attacks and gradually started regaining quality of life. A year later I left my job and went to work for a well known bookmaker. I've been there 5 years now and love the job. The downside is every lad in the office bets on horse racing and football. So between the age of 25 and 30 I was betting a little more as I was earning more and spending more time involved with these sports. The latter two years are where the gambling started affecting my relationship with my partner. On a number of occasions she told me that my gambling would one day ruin what we had but the addiction was blinding me from this and I always assumed we were rock solid as there were no other issues in the relationship. She was my best friend too. Anyway in March 2018 I lost my Dad due to care-home neglect. As my mum suffers with ill health I was the one who arranged the funeral and all paperwork and accounts for my father. I also lead a legal case against the care-home so had to have meetings every other week and go over the exact days of my dads passing over and over again. I really struggled with his passing and grieving. I had to start a new job role within the same company a month after too. So I had the anxiety, the grieving, the care home complaint and the new job all on my plate at the same time. I then turned to gambling as an escape from everything. I took out a payday loan and used our joint credit card behind her back. (Something I said id never do as I know through work that the charges for using credit cards for gambling are obscene.) I knew she would find out but I didn't stop as it was my only escape that kept my mind off everything. The love of my life left me on the 18th of March 2019. Ive now lost everything. The 2 people I could always rely on for support and love both gone in a year. Since the day she left I haven't had a single bet. Ive been GA meetings, I've installed gamblock. More than this I have no interest in gambling. Its amazing having money again. I have explained all this to her but she says shes heard it all before. I understand this but I have never admitted the addiction before. Ive never seeked professional help. The first step to recovery is admitting your addiction. I guess the question to you guys is.. Have you and a loved one managed to overcome the illness of addiction after initially breaking up. Is there any light at the end of the tunnel?
Sorry it was a long write and theres grammar errors but thanks for any replies in advance.
Carl 🙂
Hi mate
It's good of you to come on and post such in such a candid and honest way.
Although my partner stayed with me after gambling, I can tell you that through my non-gambling journey I have met numerous folk who lost their partners through the illness but fought to get them back again and succeeded.
The general trend from what I can see is that those who were unsuccessful attempted to 'convince' their partners back ie your talk is cheap right now Carl, its value bottomed out around the time the gambling made you lie and make hollow promises. The trust has been damaged mate. Talking her round (no matter how much you mean it this time) probably won't cut it.
Those that have been successful to regain trust with their partners seem to work hard at change then the transformation sort of speaks for itself? If you work mega hard on your recovery - character transformation will follow no doubt and from this a new aura will emanate from your core... She will feel the change, not just see it. Then maybe she will be willing to turn the corner with you.
When you put the work in, you get rewards. As compulsive gamblers we have wired our brains to get something for nothing... Life doesn't work like this on the other side.
You've started a process, great - but you need to work it for a while for the changes to become evident in your being then go get your girl back.
If I went for a job interview and they said I was undertrained, and gave me a manual to read... Would I be contacting them back after reading the intro of it for another interview? No... I would need to get right stuck into the manual in its entirety before even standing a chance of making it with them. That's what they would be expecting. It's not about your expectations anymore... It's about hers. Respect that Carl. Work hard at your recovery first and prey the change in you is enough for her to take you back. It's only been a month mate. Don't expect miracles after a month but at the same time don't lose hope as time passes... Just keep putting the work in and hopefully the character transformation will be enough.
Gamblers are very impatient people. Part of being a non-gambler is learning to be patient and learning to do things on other people's terms. Good luck mate. Hope you get your girl back. All you can do is work hard on your recovery and trust the recovery process to look after you, even so far as helping you to get your girl back. Do your best mate, that's all you can do.
Ps - a compulsive gambler who works for a bookmakers? (Scarface accent) - "you crazy man" ?
Great advice.cant add to it
Thanks for the reply. I fully understand this. I’m going continue at it and try to learn patience. It’s just so hard living alone without her at the moment due to my health issues too. Il get there though through commitment and hard work.
Well done mate...I've stopped once for the person I love. Such a feeling...wonderful . Stay strong and if you realy love each other...give it some time maybe as she said...she heard it all before .
Good luck
Hi
Recovery for me today is selfish act.
I did stop Gambling for my family and it did not work out well.
Recovery for me today is about healing that hurt inner child in me.
For me anxiety stress are fear based issues.
When I walked in to the recovery program I was self destructive not selfish.
The addiction was a form of escape from people life and situations I could not cope with emotionally.
My work life was not very productive, my family relationships were even less productive.
I had so many fears I never focused on one fear at a time.
When I walked in to the recovery program my fears were 10 out of ten.
Over time my fear of the rooms reduced from 10 out of ten to 7 out of ten.
What I noticed was I was more and more comfortable giving more details of myself in my therapies.
As a child I put up walls of fear to protect that hurt inner child in me.
Sadly those walls of fear to protect also stopped me from getting out and having intimate relationships with other people.
After some time I found my trust grew in the rooms talking to complete strangers yet could not be honest with my own wife.
At over forty years of age I started to understand that anger was an unhealthy reaction to pains not healed, an unhealthy reaction to fears not faced, and an unhealthy reaction to my unreasonable expectations of people life and situations.
So my emotional triggers were my pain my fears my frustrations my loneliness and my boredom.
Each time I went back to gambling was one of those emotional triggers.
I did not know how to celebrate in healthy ways with our doing some thing harmful to myself.
I use to take responsibility for how other people felt.
I could not read body language and use to internalize how other people felt.
What I did not understand was that I went to our marriage with a lot of emotional baggage.
Then after many years of marriage when my wife did not fear me any more she talked about the abuse she had in her life.
A healthy recovery empowers us to be the healthiest person we can be each day.
I understand that the person who walked in to the recovery program is not who I am today.
Only once I admitted to myself I was unhealthy could I start work on being becoming healthy.
Love and peace to every one.
Dave L
AKA Dave of Beckenham.
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