Help I am at a loss

Hi Denise,

Welcome & thank you for sharing your story. First of all i'm Al & i'm a compulsive gambler, My last gamble was 342 days ago. No-one ever persuades a CG to stop. They've got to want to & accept that stopping is a life time commitment. We are manipulative, have little or no regard for anyone whilst the addiction goes untreated. I can't stress strongly enough how essential it is to protect yourself financially and stop giving him bail outs immediately as all you are doing is facilitating his gambling, and providing the finance to fund his addiction. If he was a drug addict would you buy him heroine.

How does anyone without a job gamble hundreds in a bookmakers shop ?. If you think things are bad now  don't even consider moving in with him as it will become hell on earth. It's time to take positive steps in order to protect yourself. First of all  get some support through Gamanon, & give him an ultimatum either he seeks help and becomes serious about stopping or the relationship can't continue.

If his bills aren't being paid as i suspect tell him in no uncertain terms that these and any debt he has are HIS responsibility from now on. Remember any financial bail outs do nothing at all to help a CG, but simply fuel the addiction. Keep posting & i've no doubt there will be many replies posted on here by wives/husbands & partners of CGs offering you the sound advice & support you obviously need.

Sincere Best Wishes

AL

Just also want to add you should speak to someone on here 0808 8020 133

AL

Thank you for your reply. I know moving in with him would be hell as he would rely on me for everything. I have lived with him before and know exactly how it is. I don’t think it is really getting through to him that I am weiry and scared to move him as he always depends on me when he messes up. I have had him live with myself and our son before and he never contributed to anything. Food, rent, bills nothing. His depended on me for so long it’s a way of life for him. The lies just roll of his tongue at times. 

I have just got a new job and am happy with my job for the first time in ages. I think he sees it as a way to get more money out of me. I bought him some trainers as he needed a pair. He laughed and joked and told me to continue working hard. He said he was joking but that hurt me really hard. Then I gave him a large sum of money to help with a debt. There was no appreciation just him coming in the same night drunk, and now he cannot understand why I have stayed away and I am not happy. He just won’t take it in.

Thank you for your reply.

Hi Denise,

Sorry to hear of your situation. You don't have to be suffering the emotional abuse that comes with partnering up with an active addict. Do you feel you deserve to be treated better than you are? It's common that addicts have such a negative impact on a partners self worth that they end up believing that they don't deserve any better. It's import to get the emotional support that lifts you up and gives you the belief that you are worth way more than you are putting up with. 

I hope you are able to use the support networks available so your life is enhanced in a positive way.

Kind regards.

I have also been with him nearly 30 years.

Thank you for your reply. I hope with support etc I will realise that. It’s hard because I have been used to it for so many years. It has now come to the point where I am fed up and feel I am being taken for granted. I can never let him know how much I earn as will always ask for more. He previously knew my payday and always turned up at my work place asking for large sums of money saying it was for rent arrears. It took some time for me to realise he was lying. Once I asked him for receipts he couldn’t show me any or if I wanted to pay it myself he would always have an excuse. Just got to the point enough as his got really serious about me moving in. I can’t move in full time I don’t want to commit to that. 

I suffer from anxiety and depression already. My life would be miserable and I feel I would regret it.

Hi Denise,

It sounds like you have been through alot of trauma and understand it must be very hard to deal with this especially whilst suffering anxiety and depression. I can only imagine that this situation is only making your symptoms worse. Gam anon I've heard is great for getting the support you may need. Have you considered any talking therapy via the doctors or privately (if you can afford it?) I know my wife stayed with me during my gambling days because she was so beaten down from my behaviour and her self worth was so low that she would rather stay with me and be treated badly than be on her own. I certainly wouldn't tell you to leave him but it's important to look at what the relationship gives you in terms of a pros and cons list. We all deserve to be treated well and not used and abused emotionally.

Hi,

Yes your right I have been through a lot of trauma in my life from childhood. I think that’s why I keep hanging on to the relationship hoping that he will change. I feel so upset with myself at times as I feel I have waisted so many years with him. Yes your somewhat correct, I just wish I get through to him about the gambling but he’s so ignorant he won’t listen.

i have received talking therapy before and counselling which helps me for a while. His even told me that receiving that help has made me emotional weaker. My self confidence is low and find it difficult finding positives about myself and I think he has a lot to do with that. He never praises me or take interest in anything I do. I got a new job with no congratulations after being sacked previously, just plans on what to do with my wages ie paying back his debts. So now I am upset because I am saying how dare you plan what to do with my money, but he gambles his.... he just won’t learn.

its hard as his mother and father is no example, as his dad’s a gambler and his mum is always having to pay the bills etc, so his seen it from his been growing up and still sees it.

Hi Denise,

I feel your pain through your messages and your story really relates to how my wife and my dysfunctional relationship was held together. We both were scarred from our developmental years. We both had low self worth and insecurities, I was dependent on gambling and she was dependent on our relationship. I'm certain my wife would have stayed with me even if I made us homeless as she was too scared to leave me and be on her own. Things only changed when I made a decision to get help to deal with my past via counselling so that I no longer needed to use gambling to deal with my emotional state of mind. The road to long-term recovery is far from easy and it has meant alot of hard working on my self perception/character defects and continuing to be self aware whilst using the tools that therapy has given me to deal with life on life's terms. My low self worth made me controlling and egotistical. I struggled to go a day without gambling in the height of my addiction but due to my continued efforts I'm pleased to say I'm over 9yrs in recovery with lots of serenity and inherent self love. 

I understand it's hard to make choices but please bear in mind where your life and mental state is heading. 

Can I ask if your relationship lasted through it all?

Hi,

Yes I'm pleased to say that we are still together and happy married. I believe we would be in a shop doorway homeless if I had continued gambling. I got to a point in life where I was so fed up of existing in a life of misery that I was willing to do anything to get well. I found CBT worked so well for me that I'm pleased to say that I now work as a psychotherapist/CBT counsellor helping others who are searching for something better .

Hi,

i am things worked out so positive and well for you. I have so many scenarios that I could talk forever. If he knew I was talking about our situation he would go mad. Our relationship started out with him being violent towards me. I managed to stop that by saying I would leave if it continued. It stopped. I stayed. I would say I have been through so much abused as a child I really wanted something to work out well. I said I would not give up on him, but I cannot keep condoning the gambling.

i sit thinking about how I once gave him money for my rent and he gambled it. I only found out when I got a letter from the council saying they were applying to the courts to evict me from my home. I had to call my dad abroad for help. When I went to court my partner did not accompany me.

so many things. I hope it ends okay because I don’t know anymore.

Hi

It's very easy for me to say what I would do from an unemotional outsider but I understand it's way more complex than that. I really have concerns about where your situation will end up by you continuing this traumatic situation. You mentioned that therapy worked for a while, why do you think it stopped being helpful to you? It's so detrimental to you being used and not being valued in your relationship and is going against everything you need with what you've already been through during your life. If you're able to engage in therapy I believe you have a much brighter future but i suspect change is only possible with you and not relying on your partner changing. 

I am getting really emotional. I really don’t want to continue going down the same road as we are heading now. I know I have to change. I need to put my foot down. His such a manipulative person. Counselling made me feel more positive but he says it made me worse. I always attended all my appointments but never once spoke about my relationship with him. This is something I need to do. He would always get upset and say I was discussing him, or want to attend appointments with me, but I thought they were my sessions a place for me to speak and vent my feelings....sometimes it feels as if he wants to control me and when he cannot get his way he gets really upset and starts shouting at me. I can’t deal with the shouting.