Hi, I'm new to the site and have been reading through a few of the forums. My story is I have been with my husband for 23 years and have children together. He has always gambled and having read through some stories I cant relate to a lot of them as many of them talk about dishonesty and trust issues when it comes to gambling. My issue is slightly different in the fact that he is totally honest in his betting habits (only with me, not friends or relatives though, he never tells them if he loses only on his wins) my issues lie where I am such a pushover. Hes asks me to either go put a bet on for him because hes had a drink and cant go himself or transfer money from my bank account to his to bet with (he always puts the money back into mine) I always just end up putting the bet on or transferring the money as its just easier than getting into an argument with him which would happen if I say no. And the kids get upset if we argue I try not to let that happen. Today things escalated where as I stood up for myself after already putting a bet on and transferring money, he wanted me to transfer more and i said no. He argued with the point he would put it back and i said i know you will put it back but that is not the point you have had too much on betting and you are chasing your money. All I ever get off him is "I know, I know". When I wouldnt do it he started arguing then the kids got involved and got upset my eldest actually threw some money at him and told him if he wanted money that bad to take his. I'm just at the end of my tether with his gambling and I just dont know what to do, he works hard and says hes entitled but I also work and although he doesnt use my money for gambling he still scrutinise's what I spend and comments on what I've bought. What do I do, where do I go from here because he does have a gambling problem maybe not to the point where he is thousands in debt but my point is what he has spent today could've gone towards some home improvements we need or saved, but he doesnt see it that way, he see it, it's his money and he can do what he likes with it I dont think I can go another 23 years with him betting as he does and upsetting me and the kids along the way.
Any advice would be greatly appreciated
Hi upsanddown,
Welcome to this forum and sorry to hear about what you are going through.
I am new here too, well, not so new because I signed up in 2018, posted a long story of what gambling had done to me and how much I had lost, I then absconded, believe me, I came back here a few days ago after losing x 4 with gambling addiction turning my life on it's head. Gambling addiction is progressive if left unattended. Ok, I have not been married 23yrs, only 5yrs but I have been gambling for a decent number of years and I can tell you that your story does sound like a ticking time bomb. Has your husband ever lost control of his gambling? or has he just been lucky enough not to have over the period he's been gambling? You see the 'I know, I know' is a classic sign of gradually losing control. I'm sorry to say but you'll have to stop helping him place bets, to avoid arguments at home, I suggest you try do this cordially but you have to stop it, no matter how long you've been dong it. You mentioned that your child got involved at some point, of course he loves his children and family more than gambling but the addiction is subconsciously making him prioritize the later. I'll advise he goes for counselling, Of course he wouldn't want to do that because he thinks he's got control but believe me, this thing does get out of hand, it really does. I have been a destructive gambler for the last 2yrs, I had it under control for plenty of years prior to this. Please come here more often, read stories, seek help, call the help line here, don't underestimate this problem. Stay strong
You also said he doesn't use your money to gambling, well, from what you said, he does, because you said you transfer it to him and he pays you back. Why do you have to transfer to him? why does he have to be in a position where he needs you, for money, time to place bet or whatever it is? Sorry, I am starting to think you don't have a full picture.
Hi upsanddown. I am the recovering gambler in our house so I hope you don't mind my input. There are lots of things that stick out from your post. Both you and your children are being mentally affected by this and that must stop, what did he do when your son threw money at him was he angry, upset, sorry or did he appear to not care? It's not " his " money there is no entitlement to gambling. And by the way a lot of gamblers are mean when it comes to spending money on other things there is a thread on here where people are posting about this. Why do you think he scrutinises what you spend... Control. And if he controls what you spend...... You will have the funds available to transfer to him. Maybe he's not thousands in debt .... Unfortunately maybe he is gamblers tend to have.. Secret bank accounts. Withdraw money off credit cards lots of ways to get into debt without your partner knowing. I totally understand when you do things to stop arguments occurring but when you are transferring money to him to gamble you are enabling him to gamble... I'm not criticising because I do understand why but enabling allows the gambler to carry on the destruction without the fallout. Well there is a lot you can do but none of this is easy for you. Do you realise he is an addict ? And if you try to enforce change he will get angry if his access to his fix is restricted. You could ask for a credit report that would tell you if he has any loans cards etc that you don't know about. I'm very suspicious about his complete honesty with you that usually is a tactic to throw you off the scent so you don't dig too deep. Way forward.... You can access help for yourself via this site live chat phoneline etc they can give you help that you need and advice on who to go to with finances. Above all protect you and your children you must put you first. There is a lot lot more I could have written and you will get more replies later in sure. I'm the recovering gambler and I'm 32 days today without gambling and I don't ever want to go back there I have installed software that blocks my access to gambling websites. I've never gambled at the bookies but there is a way of self excluding from those as well. My husband has full control of finances I have no access to bank accounts cards etc. All this is giving me space from my addiction and to heal my mind. I hope for your same I'm wrong but I have a feeling you may not know the full extent. I wish you and your children all the best for the future. I am open to you asking me anything ..... I'm enjoying not lying anymore I'm enjoying telling the truth because I'm returning to my core values I wasn't brought up to lie cheat decieve.
Frogman posted before I had finished my writing. Take heed of what he's saying he's also being truthful. I can tell like me his mind is working overtime now thinking of what your husband is doing. I've posted with frogman a few times on here and believe me both of us know the hurt and destruction active gambling causes.
He doesn't want to give up and he's protecting his addiction.
Escalating arguments, making sure he's always got access to gambling, justifying it, making it your fault are all classic tactics to ensure he gets his fix.
You can't know he's being honest financially without verifying what he says independently. It's not unusual for a gambler to run up eye watering secret debt behind everyone's back.
As an immediate measure I'd recommend ending his access to your accounts along with anything else you can and stop placing bets for him. If he wants to stop there are things he can do right now to restrict his access to gambling. If he doesn't want to do them be wary. You can't make him give up. He has to want it. You can think about how you and the children deserve to be treated. Life with an active gambler won't match up.
I cannot agree more with what Lethe and Charlieboy said, spot on.
You simply can't go by what he says, there is a reason why as you've said yourself, so many of the stories here talks about dishonesty and trust issues, it's simply because you cannot separate gambling addicts and lies. I was a master liar, trust me, you don't even want to hear the lies I told my wife to hide my debt problems, by the way, she never found out, it had to come from me. I earned almost 4 times as much as her yet, she still had to guarantee a loan for me, believe me, I had a story to back this up. Why does your husband only tell when he wins and not when he losses? why are you having to transfer to him? why are you placing bets for him? You need real and verifiable answers.
Hi upsanddown. Welcome to the forum.
What you write is interesting and well done for getting all that out into the open.
After a few deep breaths you need to build strength and knowledge about this addiction. It seems he is manipulating you into helping him gamble and I can see that you are far from happy.
His addiction will affect all of you and is creating real tension and upset.
Your husband needs reality checks that you are not happy and will not tolerate gambling. How much has he lost because this needs to be faced?
Its not a James Bond film and like most of us your husband doesnt have money to throw away. Its not just his money to throw away because he has commitments to a happy and stable family life. That would be like saying he can chuck money down a grid in front of you all.
Gambling is a mugs game and a drug addiction. You can not be a shrinking violet about confronting him if you are safe to do so You have been enabling him so that must stop and that means not a penny from you.
I would present the household bills on the dining table and make sure he is covering all of them and stable enough to keep covering them. In other words he is an active gambler and you have to protect your security. Ideally you should be controlling all the household money but he seems far from being ready for a born again moment.
Is he an old fashioned guy with money?....... because the my money to do what I like with seems a very odd way of looking at it...especially as you are all aware what he is wasting
Let me put it this way. Ive been a problem gambler and I wouldnt live with a gambler that wasnt ready for a full recovery.
He is just playing it down and the fact is that you have been helping him to gamble. We are not relationship counsellors so I dont know how much you have been manipulated or just wanted a quieter life. Trouble is that a gambler will wreck any stability or peaceful life and you need to be fully aware of the dangers of addicted gambling.
Phone gamcare again and try and get some friends or family support. You do have some decisions to make...nothing changes if nothing changes. He needs some help and he needs to be ready to see the light
Best wishes from everyone on the forum
I’m going to have to agree with a lot of what has already been said.
this behaviour is not normal and exactly the types of things I was doing 2-3 years ago, all whilst racking up more than £50k of secret debt.
My advice would be to get access to the credit report immediately and put your mind at ease. The way he is acting does not add up and I feel there are some blanks to fill in somewhere
best of luck
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