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Lotty123
(@lotty123)

Hi, 

ive been with my partner for 4 years, he told me on our 2nd date that he had a gambling problem and was in recovery. As I understood mental health I decided to see what developed with us and give him a chance. He lost his wife of 20 years through his addiction and the relationship with his children broke down. But I still supported him. He moved in and everything was lovely. As time went on he became quite emotionally abusive to me, but with new medication that all calmed.  I then found out that he hadn’t told his family about me, even though he relayed  ‘conversations’ to me that he had apparently had with them about us and our life together. He also told me a huge huge lie but again I understood.
Move on to now, his family now know and are accepting of us, although I’ve still not met them! His parents just want him to be happy, he’s put them through so much. 
We moved in to a new house which I love, been here a year. I found out last night that he has gambled all his wages and can’t pay the rent! I have worked everyday to keep our heads above water and not seems I did that because he had gambled his wages! Always some excuse as to why he couldn’t pay a bill. He lied and lied again. I can’t take it anymore. I have a 9 year old son who has already been through so much as his dad left us, we are friends now but it’s been tough. We are at risk of loosing our home but I can’t stay with him, the lows are out weighing the highs now and I’m mentally drained. My dad passed away last year so I’ve had a lot to deal with. I’m so angry that he could do this! 
I realise that I need to focus on myself and my son, I can’t help him and it’s time to move on but not sure how I’ll manage financially. 

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Posted : 1st July 2020 8:04 am
Jadiebby85
(@jadiebby85)

You absolutely need to think about yourself and your son! Sometimes loving someone isn’t enough and when you stay it’s almost as if you’re enabling them because they feel you’re always going to be there to pick up the pieces for them! I’m a gambling addict and I’m 51 days into recovery & I’ve lied to my husband and not paid bills and all of that but I quickly realised I had to change and I’ve done everything I can do to make things better! Has your partner done anything to help himself? Has he admitted he needs help? Has he put blocks in place? I think sometimes you have need to let go for your own sanity and especially if you have a young child because he will be picking up the fact that you’re upset! All the best x

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Posted : 1st July 2020 8:27 am
Lotty123
(@lotty123)

Yes, he’s been gamble free for two years, actually runs a GA group, started an online gambling course as he’s so looked up to within his group. I thought he was doing ok, he seemed happy, but that was just a front. He’s a lovely man but he has this demon. I’ve just can’t support him anymore. 
he normally gets his wages, pay the rent, pays his child maintenance and then the rest goes to other bills into my account. I then put my share in. But his share had got less and less. I’m self employed so can always make more money if needed, if we are short I feel the pressure to work harder than I already do, he can see I’m exhausted from constant working yet I now know why his contribution has been so low! It’s a huge stab in the back!

He had all the blocks in place on his phone, he tells his group what apps to use to block them! 
I feel so walked over, I’ve lost my best friend through staying with him due to his huge lie last year! I just feel now that I can’t trust him, it’s the final straw, my son and I deserve more. 

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Posted : 1st July 2020 8:39 am
Charlieboy
(@charlieboy)

Hi lotty. I'm the recovering gambler in my relationship and it always makes me very uncomfortable when I read posts like yours . It's because I know what he's doing to you reminds me what I've done but it does give me the resolve to carry on and stay gamble free. Sounds like you started relationship fairly honestly by him saying that he was a recovering gambler........But was he or was him telling you that covering up that he was an active gambler? I'm suspicious because he hadn't told his family about you were they always bailing him out enabling him. And I would say that the emotional abusive faze is also a red flag of an active gambler. I'm so sorry that this has happened to you you sound like a lovely person and you had already recovered from one problem relationship. Gamcare also support people affected by gambling have you spoken to anyone here they can give you loads of help both emotional and advice on who to contact for financial advice. From now on you need to protect you and your son. Does he have access to any of your finances / bank cards etc if he does change passwords pin numbers etc. I hope that you can find a way forward for you and your son no one can advise you on your relationship. He can recover but does he want to .........

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Posted : 1st July 2020 8:51 am
Charlieboy
(@charlieboy)

Meant to add best wishes 

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Posted : 1st July 2020 8:52 am
Lotty123
(@lotty123)

I though he wanted help, I think no GA at the minute hasn’t helped. He said last night he was getting a lot of pressure to pay friend back, he had texts, yet he would show me the texts. He would show me his bank account either. 
the lie he told me was horrific, it broke me, but I understood as I felt he was trying to protect the relationship with his children. I took him back, all was good until he started being abusive, never hit me but did push me once. Then that all calmed and has been ok since. 
He can’t say no to people, so when his kids ask for stuff he gets it for them no matter what, most it time it through me so I’m paying too but I’ve never even met them! He daughter hasn’t spoke to him for a year nearly. 
I’m so worried about how I’ll manage, I’m in debt too now as he pushed my business, panting for thing on my credit card. I’ve closed my shop now but can’t pay the dept, my credit file is awful, ironically his is ok now! 
It’s the lies, he bare face lies to my face last night! Today he’s paying the rent from his ‘winnings’ apparently! 

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Posted : 1st July 2020 9:02 am
Lotty123
(@lotty123)

I though he wanted help, I think no GA at the minute hasn’t helped. He said last night he was getting a lot of pressure to pay friend back, he had texts, yet he would show me the texts. He would show me his bank account either. 
the lie he told me was horrific, it broke me, but I understood as I felt he was trying to protect the relationship with his children. I took him back, all was good until he started being abusive, never hit me but did push me once. Then that all calmed and has been ok since. 
He can’t say no to people, so when his kids ask for stuff he gets it for them no matter what, most it time it through me so I’m paying too but I’ve never even met them! He daughter hasn’t spoke to him for a year nearly. 
I’m so worried about how I’ll manage, I’m in debt too now as he pushed my business, panting for thing on my credit card. I’ve closed my shop now but can’t pay the dept, my credit file is awful, ironically his is ok now! 
It’s the lies, he bare face lies to my face last night! Today he’s paying the rent from his ‘winnings’ apparently! 

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Posted : 1st July 2020 9:07 am
Merry go round
(@merry-go-round)

Hi lotty. I think you have already made your mind up.

It doesn’t really make any difference whether he’s sought help. 4 years is a long time to be with someone who doesn’t introduce you to their family. These are all ‘red flags’. It’s not as if he didn’t talk to them at all.

As you’ve said you need to concentrate on yourself and your child. Sometimes being too understanding and allowing a gambler to control what we accept is where we go wrong.

Normal healthy relationships don’t survive on secrets and lies. He’s manipulating the situation to suit himself. 

I think you should look at your credit report. Safeguard yourself, your valuables and your cards. 

There are no excuses for gaslighting, mental abuse , emotional abuse or any other form.

 

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Posted : 1st July 2020 12:03 pm
Lotty123
(@lotty123)

Thank you. 
Thats is exactly what’s he’s been doing. The story is even worse than I’ve shared here, I could actually write a book.

Im self employed and freelance so I’m very worried about money, as it stands now I don’t have enough for the month but I’ll have to come up with something.
Im not sure where he’ll go as he’s from Ireland, no family here, our closest friends know everything and they are supporting me.  
It’s history repeating itself, he’s losing another family, such a shame as he’s so lovely when he’s not gambling but I suppose I don’t really know who the real man is. 
I’ve been a door mat and I feel so stupid, I’ve jeopardised my sons  future by sticking by him previously when he told me that horrific lie. 
last night he said I was making it all about me, it made me realise that our relationship has all been about him, his demons, his mood, his family! 
need to focus and get him out of my life.

x

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Posted : 1st July 2020 12:20 pm
Forum admin
(@forum-admin)
Admin

Dear @lotty123

I am so sorry to read your experiences in your post and that you have been so affected by your partners gambling.

You have been so supportive to him over such a long period of time and tried very hard to help him. I can fully understand why you are now thinking about  yours and your son’s future and concentrating on how to move on from such a difficult situation.

I just wanted to let you know that we are here for you. To talk about all of the difficulties that you have to cope with at the moment, and the consequences you are having to deal with because of the harm gambling can cause.

Please know that there are other services that can help with your financial situation and I will put some links here for you. Again though, I would urge you to talk with us if you haven’t already done so as we will be able to help you further.

https://www.stepchange.org/  or call 0800 138 1111

https://www.nationaldebtline.org/ or call 0808 808 4000

Thinking about any financial problems that you may have from a legal prospective, you may also want to talk to the Citizen’s Advice Bureau. They offer a free non-judgemental service as do the debt charities mentioned above.

I would also suggest that you speak with your GP. They will be able to help. It is important that you look after your physical and mental health at what is a very stressful time.

Our Advisers are here 24 hours a day, 7 days a week on our netline or helpline on 0808 8020 133. This is for you now and at any time in the future as you go through this very difficult time.

Kind regards

Jo

Forum Admin

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Posted : 1st July 2020 12:48 pm
Charlieboy
(@charlieboy)

Ohh wow he hasn't even owned it now. Don't believe anything he tells you be is lying and lying. The friend asking for his money back..... Could be a way of getting more money out of you to supposedly "" pay the friend back "" / or gamble more. Now he's won and can "" pay the rent "" really !!. Why am I upset..... I've done all this. And now he's trying to tell you " it's all about you" . I'm ashamed that I have done this that you've described but I am turning my shame into a positive to beat this. Is he even sorry?  When I said I was sorry I truly meant it. To change you have to want to change. Look after you and your son lotty .

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Posted : 1st July 2020 1:23 pm
Lotty123
(@lotty123)

Oh gosh, this made me cry. I really want to tell you his biggest lie yet but I’m scared to off load that much. 
I work freelance in TV and also have my own business, my TV all stopped but it’s up and running again now. All though lockdown I worked every day, trying to come up with new things that would make money. He kept asking me to ping him money here and there for his/ our direct debits, I bet I’ve even contributed to his wife child maintenance! I work so hard that my son says he misses me because I’m always working. I feel like I’ve really messed things up! My poor little boy. 

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Posted : 1st July 2020 2:29 pm
Charlieboy
(@charlieboy)

Tell us your worst lotty get it off your chest will make you feel better, and believe me nothing will shock us. U have not messed up he has and he's leaving you to sort mess out. Your son is still young and children are very resilient. U are doing your best under v difficult circumstances

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Posted : 1st July 2020 2:49 pm
Chris.UK
(@chris-uk)

@Lotty123

I'm sorry to hear your story and I can feel how sad you must be.

As someone who has made someone else's life a misery with my gambling, I am now happy for my ex as she had the strength to tell me to leave and her life is happy once again.

Just as a gambler has to put his/her recovery first, so must you put yourself and your son first.

I hope you find the strength to do what you need to do.

Chris.

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Posted : 1st July 2020 2:54 pm
Lotty123
(@lotty123)

He basically lied about a court date, this was two years ago, told me it was before Christmas, went to to Ireland to attend it. He had stolen money from his employer but walked into a police station and told them he committed a crime. He went back to Ireland, phoned me from Court to say he’d got 3 months custodial. I was bereft, he could hear how broken I was. Christmas was awful, I tried to make it nice for my son. He phoned from prison each morning. 
Then I noticed his WhatsApp had been online and an email asking for a £5 complimentary bet. I was very confused. Phoned my friend. I phoned the prison from a phone number I got online, they’d not heard of him. My friend phoned the number he’d rung me on from ‘prison’, he’s mum answered! He lied so that he could spend Christmas with his kids as he didn’t want to hurt them but didn’t want to hurt me either. He concocted this story so he could see them for a few hours on Christmas Day, they are late teens for gods sake! That phone call to his mum was the first time she’d was made aware of me, we’d been tighter for 2 years at that point, living together for 6 months. She didn’t even know he’d given his good job up down south to move up north to me!  
So while he was enjoying his Christmas Day with his family I was heart broken. 
His actual court date was after Christmas, he got a suspended sentence. I took him back as I understood that we would all do anything for our kids. My friend disowned me, he husband is a gambler too, it’s was too close to home. 
So as you can see it’s pretty full on! 
He’s text to say he doesn’t want us to end but understands that I was to end it. 

This post was modified 1 month ago 3 times by Lotty123
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Posted : 1st July 2020 4:11 pm
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