Disguted with what ive done

We lie about these things because we are ashamed and we are ashamed because we know deep down that there is no logical reason for doing what we do. It's the equivalent of raiding our bank accounts and those of our loved ones, turning it into hard cash, going into the garden and setting fire to watching it burn.

I think it is a good start that you are ashamed, that's a sign that a part of your brain and consciousness is aware of how crazy and damaging your gambling has become. The key for you is I think the realization that the damage is done and the money is lost. Chasing losses just leads to further damage in the long run. 

You mention starting a new life and that is exactly what you are doing from this point onwards. It is sickening to be in debt (debt that you are responsible for and got nothing in return) but remember that as every day, week, month and year goes by, you are getting closer to repairing the damage, protecting your loved ones and giving yourself a brighter future.

Congratulations for making the decision not to give any of those odious companies any more of your hard earned cash and I wish you the best of luck in your recovery!

Hiya livingwithregret

Your story is one that many off us has been or are going through, it's a lot off money but it's gone now and try and leave It as a loss as you don't want to Chase it and put yourself further into that pit of destruction. Now don't wait till Monday to put your blocks into place do that straight away as you understand us problem gamblers will find a way to get more money and the last thing you need is to be tempted and add to it. There's nothing worse than how you feel now but please remember your not on your own and gambling is a very strong and evil addiction. That can wipe you out in such a short period of time. Have you told your partner? As once you get that honest out there it will ease that pressure off avoidance and lies your carrying by yourself. Your now on the journey to be gamble free again and work to sort all this out just remember you've took the first step and that takes alot of guts. 

Sorry had to cut short as got to take my son out

Sorry about that 

Please try not to be to hard on yourself,  I know that's easier said than done but just remember this industry is there to chew you up and spit you out, the amount of money you can lose in such a short period of time is immense. We all have our demons and it's just sucked you in. But now's the time to contact gamecare see what they can do to help, remember your not on your own 

Thankyou for replying

I have not told my partner, i think it would just destroy what we have as i should have told him this when we got together last year but was such a dirty secret that i thought i had under control. He made me happy and not want to gamble. I was in a good place and being pregnant gave me focus and peace that i could never get into that place again as it wasnt going to be just me anymore. But i STILL did it. What i thought was just a small deposit of £50 was all good and i won - £700 from it. Thats how it started again. I thought i could win more and pay towards my previous debts, i was on top, like u always are to begin with. The days and weeks went past and more and more was being spent. Saturday was rock bottom for me there was nothing left to spend. I messaged my dad and told him i needed to tell him something. But it had to stay between us. I told him i have a problem. He was very understanding and wants to help. He cant help financially but that isnt why i told him. I could tell my mum and she would probably pay it all off, but thats not what i want. Its my debt and i will find a way to get through it. It my mind that needs fixing. My addictive personality. I have already self exxluded for maximum 5 years. I feel relief my dad knows but still feel guilt that my parner is working hard to pay for everything and ive done this. If he knew it would break him. I wasnt honest from the start and maybe if i was this wouldnt have happened again. Well i know it wouldnt. Im so sorry everyday now.

I know how you feel 

But I'm just scared that if you don't tell your partner you'll get yourself more in a mess thinking you've got to make this money back. We can all make mistakes as I was gamble free for over a year just to act on an email and think I will put £10 on roulette online,  1hr later I'd lost nearly  £8000 that I didn't even have finding myself in severe hardship. I done something stupid as my mental health was in such a mess, got out of hospital 5days later and had to face I'd left my family with nothing but debt. Even had to use a food bank twice this had never been the case in the past. I'm just worried for your mental health if you don't tell him as keeping a secret is very draining but you know best and just remember your not the only one and if We we're addicted to drugs you can only spend a set amount in a day but with gambling it's immense how much you can go through. Good luck in what you decide and if you need to know anything else I'm here

Hi @livingwithregret your story is one that we all in some way relate to, my advice to you would be- come clean to someone you trust! If you do not feel able to tell your partner right now, then please tell your mum or a friend! This way you’ve got somebody looking out for you and your best interests. (Even if they just call for a chat!) secondly contact a debt charity and go through your finances because if you do not feel able to contact company’s they will do it with or for you! Thirdly please do not beat yourself up about the situation because these companies are out to suck in normal people with the flashing lights and pretence of winning big! You are not a bad person, you’ve made a mistake! It does not define who you are! Humans make mistakes it’s as simple as that! Also I would highly recommend a CBT course on here called ‘game change’ it’s totally changed my thought processes! You complete 8 modules, 1 per week, once you’ve completed the module you speak to a counsellor about the work you’ve completed each week! It doesn’t take long and the questions on there are simple but make you really evaluate why you gamble and then what to do if you have urges etc. 
You are not alone, that’s the worst part of this horrible addiction it isolated you and makes you feel like the lowest of the low! You are here and you are trying your best to change your destructive behaviour, nobody could ask anything more from you! 
I wish you all the best in your journey but don’t give up and don’t believe what the addiction wants you to believe! You can do it! 
jadie xx

Hi Kev

sorry for the late reply, i really hit rock bottom trying to cope with the stress on my own all week, trying to pretend everything was okay. Not eating not being able to fall to sleep. Racking my brain and hating on myself. I was a walking mess...

So saturday i told my partner my secret.

Id just got up and we were having a cuddle i just broke down.. he was good to me and told me we will get through this together and he will help me. Which i think makes me even more sad if that makes sence. He asked the questions i didnt want to answer but i did,and he now knows the extent of the horror ive put myself in. Ive done nothing but cry all weekend. I hate myself and what ive done so much i dont know how im going to feel better. Im glad he knows and im not lying anymore but i feel like im in a dark place and cannot seem to find any positives . After excluding i felt a small positive. But knowing my bank is in minus figures and not daring to look scares me to death. I know ive spent money i didnt have, why has my bank allowed those tranactions to go through? 
Im really struggling. Im in bed on my own dont want to go out or see anyone. My partner tucked me up in bed with my dog and took our son out for the day which i was supposed to be going too. I dont know how to cope with what ive done . 

Hi Jadie

ive been reading some of your posts and you sound so positive and the things you say really are great. Sorry ive taken so long to write back but i really havent been in a good place. Ive told my partner, my screts out and i feel empty and deeply down. Im glad he knows and he was really good. I cant stop feeling like ive ruined my life although i know some people have it alot worse than me    but for me admitting what ive done has made me feel worse i think than the previous stress of thinking i can still fix it. I dont feel like me anymore. Anyway im going to look into the things you mentioned, id really like to try them. Thankyou x

Hello I’m the same as you... I feel disgusted with myself and full with regret... I wish I could go back to my old self... I wish I had some advice for you but my mind is also all over the place.... 

Hi livingwithregret. You have only just told your secret that has been laying heavy on you for a long time. It is very normal to feel like this down and depressed so don't beat yourself up .give yourself some time to heal but if it doesn't lift seek help. I felt honestly just like you after my husband found out couldn't eat sleep living with constant anxiety. 39 days on I'm feeling more level and stable having counselling and talking things through. Give it some time it's all new. Take care of yourself

Thankyou, i will as time is something i have a lot of now. Strangley i feel my days last so much longer as the time used to just fly by watching a screen pressing a button. 39 days is amazing WELL DONE! Im very glad i have this place to read and write about how im feeling. @theresa2500 its not a nice feeling atall is it. Write about how you feel, i find it helps me get it out of me atleast

This is going to sound weird but go with it. The initial phase after you quit is like mourning. Gambling was a big part of your life (even though it was destructive) and now you have an empty feeling . Your brain was getting 'a fix' from gambling now it's not having that fix it gone flat. You will level out just give it time unfortunately we get hooked quickly healing takes time. Take care of yourself keep posting and try to find things to fill the space

Hiya livingwithregret 

It's hard I know I've been there and to be honest with you some days I'm still there but you've done amazing telling your partner as you won't have the pressure of hiding it from him and therefore won't be tempted to chase the loss anymore than you have. Banks don't care as they know you'll pay it back. I'm still well into my partners overdraft and I'm so shameful as she's all ready put  £17000 just to get it back to the arranged overdraft. Atleast you used your own money I fraudulently used my partners account on PayPal and couldn't believe how they let it all go through and put it down as a negative ballance off nearly  £6000 something she'd never had before. Each day I wake when I do sleep I think off how I had acted and left my family with nothing, having to use a church food bank twice. Now that's deceitful. But I'm going one day at a time as I can't change the past only put as much blocks in place in case I relapse to minimise any harm I can do, I never want to gamble again but I've said that so many times before I don't trust myself so just try to move forward as you can't go back