Day one...

Hi,

Thinking about what I've been going to write here,  it be becomes really obvious to me why I'm having problems.

I'm a single parent, my child is just about to finish primary school.

I've suffered with depression, anxiety panic attacks and stress triggered IBS for around 10 years now. I've not worked for a few years due to anxiety etc, although I've not been classed as 'ill enough to claim esa. I was doing voluntary work which I really enjoyed, but took a break from it when I started having panic attacks at work. 

My mother, who also had gambling problems, recently passed away, leaving myself and my brother to look after my dad, who has early stage Alzheimer's. My child doesn't see much of his dad, he's also.not working due to mental health issues and is living in a hostel, where my son can't visit him. It all sounds pretty grim.

I used to be able to play a certain small amount on bingo each week and if I didn't win I could just walk away. That was until a few years ago, when I discovered slots. At first I would have massive wins, it was the only time I could ever afford to buy anything nice like clothes, or a day out for my child. If I had no wins I was only getting enough income to basically survive. I've never been able to afford to take my child on a propper holiday. When my mother was here, she would pay for things I needed help with and.i could always rely on her to help me. Even when I had major blowouts she would tell me not to worry and she would give me the money I'd lost, she understood.

The past few years, as soon as any cash goes into my bank, I would be straight on the slots. Just one go,.I'd tell myself, then an hour or so later, everything would be gone. Even when I won and had enough to pay my bills and some left over, I would.put it back. Just this week, I have spent my rent money and everything I had. This was after already winning it back once, and the putting it all back again. I'm horrified at how much I've wasted on this, I even owe my son money.

I currently have nothing at all for the next 3 days. All of my child's school friends are excited to be going on fancy holidays as they've just broke off school, and I feel like I've let him down. All I wanted was to some money to make things better and be able to treat him and its ruined everything. 

I have been offered anti depressants by my Dr but I really don't want to take them. I have had counselling and know the steps to take to feel better. The past 10 years my son has been at school, I have dropped him.off in a morning and basically slept until.it was time to collect him again. It seems overwhelming to be writing all this down, if I heard someone else going through what I have been through I would be shocked at the sheer amount of c**P going on but I think I have kind of number myself to it as a kind of defense mechanism.

I've started applying for jobs as i need to start making money but just don't know how Ill do as I had a panic attack at my last job interview and it was understandably awful. 

Thanks anyone who reads this and tia for any advice