Hi, my name is Jamie I have recently decided I want and need to take over my gambling addiction. I spoke to gamcare who are helping me and advised me that writing this could also help. I had always thought of myself as independent and not needing anybody’s help which was my first mistake which was to always keep everything I feel inside and pretend everything was okay when they wasn’t.
It had all started when my Nan who I lived with at the time had been taken ill with cancer that I had found myself feeling really low with not many people to talk to. I was also living with my uncle ( my nan’s son). My Nan had been taken to hospital to have an operation to cure the cancer but little did I know my life was about to start on a massive downhill spiral. While in hospital having this operation I had woken up to find my uncle passed away and then to make matters worse I found out that the cancer was in fact terminal and incurable. At the time I thought I was okay with handling things but since then I can see that I never fully recovered. The time looking after my nan was extremely difficult seeing someone you love who even though she was at a good age you never imagine not having them in your life and for the roles to change for being cared for to caring was a difficult adjustment. Seeing her deteriorate and being in constant pain played havoc on me psychologically. The worst of it all was saying a final goodbye at the hospital seeing her in such a terrible way for the kindest human being I have ever met and probably ever will meet was a cruel thing to happen.
Subsequently that is when my gambling started, I felt depressed and alone and because I always so myself as a strong person I never opened up to people how I felt as I did not want to show weakness. Previously to this I had gambled but seriously e.g. I would bet £20 on my team to win a game or a golf tournament , the way gambling should be done. Unfortunately after my nan passed away I felt a huge emptiness and found myself gambling more. I also found my dream home but could not purchase it until I had sold my nans home as I needed the inheritance to put down a deposit. What followed was an extremely difficult period where I felt like I was stuck as the property was taking a long time to sell being passed from 2 different buyers and the prospect of losing my dream first home put a huge strain on me and I found myself constantly unable to think about anything else but being in this big empty house that I no longer wanted to stay in. This dragged on for about 7 months.
I had got into a relationship that at first I thought she was helping me through it. Unfortunately she had realised that I was in a moment of weakness in my life and probably because I felt like I needed someone I allowed the relationship to happen. We got a couple of dogs and eventually moved into our dream home but I was continually manipulated with allowed her to go to university while I worked and paid the mortgage and the majority of bills. As things got deeper I found it harder and harder to break things off even though I knew I had to as I wasn’t happy but it would be too difficult with the dogs, the mortgage.
Unfortunately I stayed in the relationship too long but fortunately I managed to find the strength to end things and move on, which I did with help from family. During this time I had turned to gambling to maybe take me away from the real world as with all the recent events I had struggled to keep my mind quiet.
I am a year and a half on from that and I am in a happy relationship now with someone who respects me but unfortunately I still have problems. Recently my flat has not sold as quickly as I thought it would and I have recently gone into relapse which seems almost always when I have a problem in my life. I would find myself sometimes staying inside to gamble on my phone stupidly losing £100’s at a time the worst being an incident recently where I lost £1100 in one night. At the time I don’t think about the repercussions it will have on me down the road. I find it extremely difficult to explain as I have stopped before but when I start to feel depressed that is when the urge comes over me. The next day I regret it or when I have lost too much I obviously regret it as not only do I hurt myself I hurt my partner , and my family I go a long time with seeing or speaking to.
The worst part of this situation is that from my gambling habits and a struggle to live alone I am about to have my home repossessed unless I can pay £2700 of my arrears by the end of this month. Unfortunately, I will not be able to pay that amount as I cannot get a loan from poor credit score and the gambling transactions which is completely my fault. I have spoke to citizens advice but after they contacted my mortgage provider they came to the conclusion unless I can get the funds from elsewhere there was nothing I could do.
My saddest part of this story was a night shortly after my 26th birthday I took a lot of pills and went over to a bridge which overlooks a train track close to my property. I went with the intention of committing suicide as I could not see any point in life anymore, and could not see any future in my life as I felt that everyone would be much happier without me and I had nothing to live for and at the end of this month no home to go to. Fortunately at the time no train came as it was late, I feel there was a 5 minute window that I am certain I would of jumped if the train had come.
I definitely have a huge problem with reckless gambling and depression which I need to sort out otherwise I will never be able to change my life for the better, have a family , and see what my true potential is because I have everything I need right now to do this apart from this addiction and depression could be the end of me. I am obviously extremely depressed about my housing situation as I will not have anywhere to live and will lose even more money and may not get anything back from my investment into my property because of my stupidness to gamble. To put myself in this situation shows my state of mind is not correct , I don’t know how I ended up this way.
Since this happened, I have told my partner who despite being extremely disappointed has agreed to help me and understands that it isn’t what I want. For the future she has information on days I am being paid to make sure the first thing I do is pay all my bills. I have self-excluded from every gambling website I have signed up to meaning I cannot log in or create an account for 5 years. I signed up to Gamblock which has blocked my name and address and date of birth to ever making another gambling account. I have also opened up a new bank account called Monzo which also blocks me from depositing into gambling websites. I have spoke to gamcare and will be setting up meetings as well and went to my gp in the last couple of days and have been given tablets and have a meeting on Tuesday with a well being officer after speaking to them on the phone
The one thing is I haven’t told my partner that I am about to lose the flat as I am extremely scared and don’t know what to do as I won’t be able to afford my arrears. I want to make sure I never gamble again and despite having to start from nothing I want to try to turn my whole life around and make people close to me happy and proud to have me in their lives. I would advise anybody in the same situation to seek help straight away, even if you don’t think you have a problem like I thought before it is too late. I want to share my story and I also will speak to my whole family and friends so they understand as keeping it bottled only does more harm and I am hoping I can be a lot stronger in the future and change my life around.
I also hope that after telling everyone about my condition I will get through all the tough times,
discover the route cause of my depression which leads to the gambling and solve my situation permanently. I understand that it will not be easy to come to terms with what I have done and am capable of but I am I will be posting weekly to continue my updates , thank you in advance for any support I receive.
Anyone with added advice would be greatly appreciated !
Hi Jamie and welcome to the forum :)) .
Your post resonates deeply with me as a lot of what you've been honest enough to write mirrors many thing's that have happened in my own life throughout the years .
Many underlying issues make us gamble and losing someone who was such a pivotal person in your life makes it even easier to run into the comforting arms of addiction .
For me I just wanted to hide away and gamble , it was an instant distraction from uncomfortable feeling's and was also an instant hit of dopamine which would wash over me like a surf on a hot beach , it promised so much but as we both know deliver's very little other than an instant fix .
The problem is we become so reliant on that buzz or hit to see us through our day but soon find that the last hit will never ever be as good as the first , so we pump more money in or play longer to achieve those feelings we were first exposed to .
Any advice .........Well I'd be inclined to share the fact that your going to lose your flat if you don't come up with the readies , She's supported you thus far so who know's ....... There's no guarantees obviously but shes gonna find out in a short while anyway once the re possession starts and always better to come from you first ?
Your choice as always buddy but that's just my take on it .
You do have it within your capability to stop Jamie and you've already done the foundation work of putting block in place and limiting your access to cash ect , you've also come here which is another huge step , I don't attend GA but many swear by it so maybe that's another avenue of support you could explore ? .
Thinking about never gambling again was always such a scary thought because it had always been my go to person when things in life became tough , so I'm a big advocate of the " One day at a time " approach to this , you get through one twenty four hour period of dealing with what needs your attention then close the door on yesterday as it's done with ............ " Tomorrows a new day my friend " :))
Wishing you well Jamie
Keep posting
Alan
Jamie I really empathise with your story and I hope it is helping to post on here. I've found the support unbelievable on here and I've taken almost identical steps as you to stop.
Its totally your decision but I would consider telling your partner about the flat. Maybe there is a way they can help- be it emotionally or otherwise. No matter what happens, remember to call on all those people round about you.
best of luck on your journey and I really hope everything works out for you: you can do it! Xxx
Hi
Thank you for your sharing and your honesty.
In my recovery I would find out that that I was emotionally vulnerable and use to escape people life and situations.
Keeping with the recovery program was about coming out of myself and being able to articulate my feelings and emotions.
The recovery program helped me understand that my life was emotionally unmanageable long before my addictions and obsessions occurred.
My inability to share myself indicated that I had fears of emotional intimacy long before my addictions and obsessions.
Sadly when I walked in to the recovery program I did not know that I was burying and suppressing my feelings and emotions.
My anger was due to my pains not being healed.
My anger was due to my fears not being healed.
My anger was due to my frustrations because of my high expectations of people life and situations..
I had fears in me which were a consequence of unresolved and unhealed pains in my child hood.
The recovery program helped me help myself become healthy once more.
Once I put a lot of time and effort in to my recovery and handed over all of my finances and started to abstain my recovery was going to become much easier.
The money was just the fuel for my addiction.
I did not respect myself and I did not respect money.
I was unable to show appreciation and gratitude sincerely.
Each time I went back to my addictions I needed to understand what was my last emotional trigger.
The recovery program helped me understand that I was like a rat in a wheel going faster and faster getting no where healthy.
I am a non religious person and have been able to find a healthy spiritual life with out being religious.
The recovery program works for any one who is fully committed towards healthy living.
I found out that time off my addictions did not mean that my inner child was healed.
Being in the recovery program I mix with people who are dedicated towards being healthy and people who are willing to work as a team.
The recovery program works like mountain climbers tied together with ropes who find safe and secure ways of learning and finding new skills.
Why do I stick with recovery because I am the beneficiary and my family are in living a healthy secure life.
Before my recovery I could not admit to myself I had huge fears of emotional intimacy.
Before my recovery I could not admit to myself I was emotionally vulnerable.
Before my recovery I could not be honest and accountable to myself.
When I walked in to recovery program I did not know how unhealthy I was.
Dave L
AKA
Dave of Beckenham
Thank you so much for the positive and lengthy replies, the responses are unbelieveable , and to know that I am not the only one to make these mistakes and that you have all found different but wonderful ways to overcome your issues shows how strong you are and I hope to continue. I am seeking help from GA and also a specialist for my depression, of course I will keep you all posted and any advice I find useful on my recovery I will be sure to forward on for you and anyone who reads this.
Again thank you for the replies it does really help.
Hang in there kid, stop the gambling and then take each other problem head on.
its lost, you’ve lost but you can still win, stop gambling.
we came into this world with nothing, stop gambling forever and go make a new life.
good luck HC
Thanks pal
Thank you so much for the positive and lengthy replies, the responses are unbelieveable , and to know that I am not the only one to make these mistakes and that you have all found different but wonderful ways to overcome your issues shows how strong you are and I hope to continue. I am seeking help from GA and also a specialist for my depression, of course I will keep you all posted and any advice I find useful on my recovery I will be sure to forward on for you and anyone who reads this.
Again thank you for the replies it does really help.
You are far from the only one! There's a load of us misfits here. Lol.
Take some time to have a read around the site. Maybe click on the names of those who have replied here and get a feel for their position and what they've been through. You've taken a big step just being here mate. Keep up the good work and be proud each day. Keep moving forward.
Luckily my family and friends have been very kind and supportive and with all the help available I am feeling more positive today that I can change my life back around.
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