Coming Clean

Hi Jumble,

That's fine.No problem. ?

Thanks for the advice Lou. I understand that it's important to be careful and stay safe. 

 J

Morning J

Hope you had a pleasant evening?

Are you on the forum?

Thanks

J

Hi J

Yes I am. 

J

Hi J

Hope you managed to pick it up?

If you would be kind enough to send me an e-mail and then I'll respond to that with my letter.

My counsellor didnt respond to my letter yesterday after promising to do so which was disappointing as that is the second time he has promised to do something and he hasnt followed through.

Thanks again for your support.

J

Hi Jumble, 

Hope you managed to get everything sorted out with your Mrs and everything is OK?

Hi andywilliams1187

Thanks for your question.

I am sure my answer will come as a great disappointment to those who may follow this thread but I've not spoken to my wife yet.  We were on holiday for the first week in July and I didn't want to spoil that by telling her what is going to be heart breaking news.  Since then we have been focused on work and helping my eldest daughter move Uni digs so although I know its never going to be the perfect moment it quite simply hasn't been recently.

Obviously I'm not looking forward it as we have such as close, loving relationship and I just do not want to hurt her but as many people have said to me honesty now is the only way forward.   We have a family event at the weekend and then there is nothing planned after that so it will not be long now!

I would like to say that fellow members on here have been fantastic in their support in particular @Jess27 and without them and my counsellor from Aquarius I may have taken a far drastic approach to avoiding coming clean.

Thanks again for asking

J

Posted by: Jumble

Hi andywilliams1187

Thanks for your question.

I am sure my answer will come as a great disappointment to those who may follow this thread but I've not spoken to my wife yet.  We were on holiday for the first week in July and I didn't want to spoil that by telling her what is going to be heart breaking news.  Since then we have been focused on work and helping my eldest daughter move Uni digs so although I know its never going to be the perfect moment it quite simply hasn't been recently.

Obviously I'm not looking forward it as we have such as close, loving relationship and I just do not want to hurt her but as many people have said to me honesty now is the only way forward.   We have a family event at the weekend and then there is nothing planned after that so it will not be long now!

I would like to say that fellow members on here have been fantastic in their support in particular @Jess27 and without them and my counsellor from Aquarius I may have taken a far drastic approach to avoiding coming clean.

Thanks again for asking

J

 

Thanks for taking the time to reply mate - hope you holiday went well. 

The one piece of advice I would give would be to tell her as soon as you get a decent oppurtunity. A few years ago I was in a similar situation and I kept finding reasons not to tell my partner (family commitments, wasn't the right time, will do it tomorrow etc.). Unfortunatley, in the end my parner found out before I told her. I came home from work to see her sat in the living room with copies of all our bank statements/accounts/credit card statements - it really did not go down well. 

The financial impact was hard, but she knew that money comes and goes and we were still in a strong position; she wasnt event that angry, it was more disappointed that I couldnt confide in her that I was in trouble. 

We still speak now and are both happy with other parners/families and we get on ok. I honestly think (and she agrees) we could have probably saved the relationship if I had just come clean but because she found out on her own, it made things a lot more difficult. 

Your experience might be different mate as different personalities/relationships etc but all I am trying to say is dont mess up like me. It will be painful to come clean, but its a much better option compared to being hit with it unsuspectingly. 

Thanks for your great advice and I know I need to "man up" if you are allowed to say that kind of thing these days!  Her finding out on her own would definitely be worse than me coming clean but I just know how much it will crush her.  I've spent a huge amount of our savings £40k as well as having £40k of debt and although I have a plan to pay that off relatively quickly it still puts us back significantly. Like a say I just need to find the courage and do it as soon as possible.

Thanks again for your advice, its greatly appreciated.

J

Hi Jumble,

Glad that you are well and that you enjoyed your break. I can imagine how difficult it must be finding the right time. 

Wishing you the very best. Take care and keep posting.

J x

No worries mate - it sounds like you and your Mrs have a good relationship so you will be able to work through it. Money comes and goes through life, its one of those things but it can be replaced over time. 

Whenever you decide to tell her, just be honest and dont try to let it turn into a big argument - the Mrs will be annoyed but let her vent. It wont be solved with one discussion but trust can be built upand it can actually make you stronger as a couple, especially if you can replace gambling with a task you enjoy together. Even just speaking to the Mrs when you have an urge to gamble lets her know your serious about changing and want to include her in recovering. 

Really hope it works out for you Jumble 🙂

Hi J, hope you are well and thanks for your post. I'm still overawed that you and others who are suffering due to a partner being a CG are prepared to offer support and advice to people like myself.

I'm still on an emotional rollercoaster and I know I just need to get off that one and maybe climb into another for a while but its still a massive step. 

Thanks again

J 

Thanks Andy, your advice and support is greatly appreciated.

J

Hi Jumble

Thanks for posting on my diary and I'm glad you are getting benefit from reading and from the exchanges between Tizzy and I. As we are similar age group and may have some similar interests, happy to discuss and that can help provide a distraction from gambling thoughts and urges.

Reading briefly through your record here, its been a while since you indicated you intended to tell your wife but you havent done so yet. I'm sure you have weighed up the pros and cons and are looking for the right moment but maybe there isnt one. You describe that you have a solid relationship and a supportive wife so those are things to be thankful for. Many CGs have stories of broken relationships. 

My advice would be that when you tell your wife it is not from a 'doom and gloom', downbeat perspective but although with disappointment and regret, you have a plan, a way forward, that you are able to reassure that this will not happen again because of x, y and z . Ultimately your wife knows you inside out. She has supported you before. No reason why she won't again. Did she really believe your recovery was forever? Realistically there are some addicts whether gambling, drink, drugs whatever who manage to abstain for the rest of their lives but many dont. Its not your fault. It can happen. Think about what went wrong, get back on track. And talk to your wife when you have that forward plan.

Captain 

Hi Captain

Thanks for your advice.  It makes a lot of sense and I will definitely focus on the positives.  Notwithstanding my comments about a solid relationship that I am extremely grateful for and for which I never take for granted, I am concerned that my wife will not understand why I've done it again.  In addition to producing a letter to support my "coming clean" I've drafted another letter for my wife from my counsellor that attempts to explain why I do it and why I need help.

Although after my coming clean I dream of her hugging me and telling me it will be OK I know it will be far from that and she deserves to be angry and be given the time to digest what I've done.  Last time I was alone and it was dreadful but this time with the GamCare community including good people like yourself, Jess27 and many others I hope it will be better.

Thanks again

J

Hi Jumble,

Thanks for including me on your message to “The” Captain. 

I have also had a brief read through your thread, no doubt you’re in a state. I think it’s key from here on in to cling to the fact that things will get better. 
I agree with everything (unsurprising) my PIC (partner in crime) has said.

Glad to hear you’re also a Roger supporter ❤️

I really do wish you the very best in respect to the “coming clean”. Please, for both your sakes get it done ASAP. 

Tizzy xx