Support us

Ashamed  

 
MarieT_lost
(@mariet_lost)

I couldn’t think of a topic title and ‘ashamed’ is the only way to describe how I’m feeling right now.

This all started for me about 2 years ago. At first I was doing small online casino offers of free spins etc just trying to make a few extra pound.For 2 years I stuck rigidly to a loss of no more than £10 a month and when I hit that I would walk away. In the last 6 months I started to play more as was working from home during the lockdown and had more time on my hands, this was my downfall I think.

I had no idea I would fall into this deep hole of chasing losses, I just couldn’t handle even losing £10 and would chase this until I made it back. Back in April I chased losses so much that I had to do a £2k money transfer from a credit card to get my bank out of overdraft. At the time this was a wake up call as this was the first time I had actually had to borrow money to fund my addiction. 

I self excluded for 30 days (big mistake no.1), and I actually enjoyed all the free time I now had instead of spending hours staring at spinning reels.

Well after the 30 days you can probably guess what happened next, I thought I’d have another go and I only went and won quite a large amount, enough to pay my credit card off and have some money in the bank. I should have excluded myself there and then but I didn’t (big mistake no.2) and I’m now sat here only 6 weeks later with it all being given back and a £17k debt on numerous credit cards, the position I was in back in April was awful at the time and I feel totally disgusted and ashamed that I have let myself get to this point. I know I can’t blame anyone but myself for the mess I have got myself into, but I do not understand how PayPal can let you make deposit after deposit when there is no money left in the bank to cover these deposits. I will need to make another money transfer to cover  all the deposits which will be debited from my bank tomorrow.

I have self excluded again now and this time it will be for good. I will also look at putting the Gamban software on my iPad as an extra block. 
I do have a job and can pay all this debt back but it will take me a good few years. I just feel totally ashamed that this money could have been spent on my children, I feel so guilty every time I look at them.

I have read lots of posts on here and I can relate to so many, it’s heartbreaking to see the damage it can do and I know I need to stop now before it’s too late and I have nothing left.

 

 

 

 

 

 

This topic was modified 4 weeks ago 2 times by MarieT_lost
Quote
Posted : 14th July 2020 7:48 am
San70
(@san70)

Hey Marie.

Don't beat yourself up too much as we all start small and end up losing big, that's the way it goes I'm afraid.

Its good to read that you have self excluded for good as we are like alcoholics we can never gamble again as it will just go the same way, start small and end up losing big.

When you think of gambling just spend time with your kids and spend the money on them as that will bring you much more joy in the long run. Gambling just gives us that small time adrenaline rush but the worst thing is the lows are more frequen that the highs.

Good luck with your gamble free journey.

ReplyQuote
Posted : 14th July 2020 12:53 pm
THERESA2500
(@theresa2500)

Hi Marie,

I totally understand how you feel. Like you I also had too much free time during lockdown and thought of signing up to get the free offers. I was playing small spins eventually went on to larger wagers on slots. At first I was winning- I was even up £1k in one day. I thought to myself- I could make an extra money doing this and thought I had a system in place. So silly. Anyway, when I started going back everyday- I started to lose. I couldn’t accept a loss of £200 so I started chasing this. Now I’m £3k down. Money I have took out my savings and like you had to transfer to cover my overdraft. It’s when we start chasing losses when we are gambling compulsive and don’t see things clear.  I also feel guilty everytime I think about the things I could the £3k on. I have now self excluded which is the best thing I’ve done.  I think about the loss everyday but really we should stop thinking about this and put in all in the past and not let it torment us. I write this as I share the same feelings as you... I’m only 3 days gambling free so I don’t have much advice other than I’m feeling a little bit better already and can look forward to next payday to top up my savings. I hope you feel better 

ReplyQuote
Posted : 14th July 2020 4:38 pm
Charlieboy
(@charlieboy)

Hi marie your post sounds so familiar starting in a controlled way , eventually escalates more deposits and loses start chasing . Then the worst thing comes " a decent win ". This might sound weird but the win is the big hook with a juicy worm. People who are not addicted say thanks pay debts buy something nice. Addicts take the hook and then the destruction starts "I can win again I can win bigger." Then like me like you like loads of others on here before you know it you are thousands in debt. To move forward you have to put the loses behind you easier said than done. Theresa has had extreme trouble putting it behind her but her post today is different she is starting to come to terms with it and that is good. The money is gone don't throw away more install software such as gamstop if you haven't already it gives your mind space and time to access help. Have you thought about counselling talk things through?? Gamcare gives excellent advice and using the forum will give you support. Well done for "owning it" best wishes

ReplyQuote
Posted : 14th July 2020 6:56 pm
Clairemc2018
(@clairemc2018)
Posted by: MarieT_lost

I couldn’t think of a topic title and ‘ashamed’ is the only way to describe how I’m feeling right now.

This all started for me about 2 years ago. At first I was doing small online casino offers of free spins etc just trying to make a few extra pound.For 2 years I stuck rigidly to a loss of no more than £10 a month and when I hit that I would walk away. In the last 6 months I started to play more as was working from home during the lockdown and had more time on my hands, this was my downfall I think.

I had no idea I would fall into this deep hole of chasing losses, I just couldn’t handle even losing £10 and would chase this until I made it back. Back in April I chased losses so much that I had to do a £2k money transfer from a credit card to get my bank out of overdraft. At the time this was a wake up call as this was the first time I had actually had to borrow money to fund my addiction. 

I self excluded for 30 days (big mistake no.1), and I actually enjoyed all the free time I now had instead of spending hours staring at spinning reels.

Well after the 30 days you can probably guess what happened next, I thought I’d have another go and I only went and won quite a large amount, enough to pay my credit card off and have some money in the bank. I should have excluded myself there and then but I didn’t (big mistake no.2) and I’m now sat here only 6 weeks later with it all being given back and a £17k debt on numerous credit cards, the position I was in back in April was awful at the time and I feel totally disgusted and ashamed that I have let myself get to this point. I know I can’t blame anyone but myself for the mess I have got myself into, but I do not understand how PayPal can let you make deposit after deposit when there is no money left in the bank to cover these deposits. I will need to make another money transfer to cover  all the deposits which will be debited from my bank tomorrow.

I have self excluded again now and this time it will be for good. I will also look at putting the Gamban software on my iPad as an extra block. 
I do have a job and can pay all this debt back but it will take me a good few years. I just feel totally ashamed that this money could have been spent on my children, I feel so guilty every time I look at them.

I have read lots of posts on here and I can relate to so many, it’s heartbreaking to see the damage it can do and I know I need to stop now before it’s too late and I have nothing left.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Hi Marie,

I went through exactly the same thing as you!! 2 years ago! I used to spend Saturday and Sunday morning not chilling out like I should be but logging into PayPal trying to work out how many £10's were going to debit my bank account on Monday. And being absolutely distraught when I realised there were more than I had In the bank. I've not played a game for 2 years (still come on here every now and again if I feel the urge) if you need any support please contact me on [email protected]

I'll help you x

 

ReplyQuote
Posted : 14th July 2020 10:35 pm
MarieT_lost
(@mariet_lost)

Thanks guys for your replies,  They all resonate with me so much and I will take every piece of advice onboard. It will be another sleepless night tonight worrying about the amount PayPal will be deducting from my bank tomorrow but I’m keeping my fingers crossed that the credit card transfer comes through in time to sort it out.  I am totally fed up of this sick feeling  and can not understand why on earth I have done this to myself.

On a slightly brighter note I felt like the fog lifted slightly today after I tried to draw up a payment plan to help me see a way forward and out of this mess I have created. 
Best wishes to everyone on this gamble free journey.

ReplyQuote
Posted : 14th July 2020 10:51 pm
MarieT_lost
(@mariet_lost)

Thank you for your message Claire, it gives me hope to see you are 2 years free of this torment. That is a huge achievement.

Just re-reading Charlieboys post

Then the worst thing comes " a decent win ". This might sound weird but the win is the big hook with a juicy worm. People who are not addicted say thanks pay debts buy something nice. Addicts take the hook and then the destruction starts "I can win again I can win bigger."

This is so true, up until this point I really didn’t think of myself as a gambling addict. Then once I did realise I had a problem, the damage was already done.

ReplyQuote
Posted : 14th July 2020 11:31 pm
Share this page
Share
  
Working

Please Login or Register