Worried

Hi Pep,

I can relate to you post in so many ways, but I'm on the other side of it. After a year of being gamble free, I've suddenly experienced a really bad week. Stress and anxiety. I constantly feel sick, can't sleep or eat. I don't know fully why, but my wife gets upset that she can't take it all away.

Ultimately, you can't fix this for him. No matter how much you want to, you can't. It's in his own head. He probably feels overwhelmed and trapped by his own thoughts. Maybe even scared that the stress and anxiety could lead to a relapse, which he doesn't want.

You need to keep the lines of communication open. Make it clear he isn't alone. Remind him to focus on the positives. He's gamble free, taking the right steps, has a supportive partner. He could also try meditation to calm himself. These feelings will pass. It's hard to break the cycle in his mind.

Finally, tell him that he can't worry about things out of his control or far into the future. Focus on the present. Focus on doing the right things now. That's all he can do and the rest will follow.

Thanks @Mrlyndhurst for taking the time to reply and share your experience. Today seems to be a better day, he seems inspired as he will be sponsoring someone for the first time and potentially being an instrument to help improve someone else’s life. As you said we try our best to communicate as it really is the key so we don’t get overcome with emotions and anxieties.

I wish you and your wife all the best in your recovery. 

Hi,

It's good that you are noticing this. Your partner may need more aftercare to address the feelings that are bubbling up for them. My son did not go for aftercare and has relapsed and kept what he was feeling bottled inside. They need to process a lot of feelings. Sending you strength and hope your partner can find a counsellor to work through his feelings.

Thanks for replying @worried-mom

What does after care mean? Has your son done the 12 steps too or did he go for counselling sessions? My partner has finished the 12 steps and also willing to give counselling another go to see if it will help him with his anxieties. He’s been gamble free for a year and half now although to be honest, i don’t really want him to pressured with this number and he should really just take it one day at a time as they all say.

I think one of the good things is that my partner and I know this is a life long battle and commitment. We should never be complacent and we know that it won’t ever come to a point that he is completely cured/treated. 

Absolutely agree with you that my partner needs support to be able to cope with anxieties and not bottle up his feelings. Also to realise that it’s ok to feel down sometimes but that it will pass and it will get better. 

Sending you strength too, wish you and your son all the best. I hope you are also getting the support that you need.

Thank-you -- unfortunately, at this time my son is in denial and swears he is not gambling, but the signs say otherwise. aftercare is the support people need after they have sought some treatment -- counselling, a support group (I have joined smart recovery online -- they have support groups for family and friends as well and they are very helpful) there are groups for people in recovery -- it's different than GA and the community is incredibly supportive and discuss tools to manage feelings, urges, etc. They are based all over the world, I go to some US online meetings and UK online meetings.  I wish you both all the best and as someone said at a meeting yesterday, the addiction is the symptom and the work is to get to the emotions and reasons that fuel the symptom...it's not easy no matter which side of this your on.

Gambling and its triggers are not exclusively but firmly linked to feeling down. In therapy and by talking it through, its been coming out that I have been in some state of depression for most of my life. Its that which I must face and act upon.

Gambling was my go to drug with feelings of anxiety and worthlessness. It was also the complexity of my love hate relationship with money. I hated how money defined me and my ability to provide. I wanted something to be kind to me in the moment but I didnt realise how quickly it becomes addictive like a bad drug to the system.

Bad news was one trigger. I felt bullied by the dwp. I was ill and I had actually given up on life to a large extent. I would ride the substantial losses while employed,gamble everything away while unemployed then beg my parents for money by lying to them

It was an escape from my parents at the age of 12 and the first thing that made me fell totally high and alive (but in all the wrong ways when looked at with a clear head)

I used to walk into empty pubs on a wet tuesday night. The only thing I was REALLY looking for was a gambling machine. A fix because I couldnt admit I was lost and lonely. I knew I wasnt looking for somebody to talk to. Sounds strange but a machine would initially soothe me almost with a sigh of relief...it was what I knew...back where I belonged as the soup of chemicals started to completely take over yet again.

That is the power of addiction and my bank balance  told the truer story about a drug habit of temporary escape which was ruining me

Having someone understanding or loving to talk to really helps. I now manage a complex but I was told I was unemployable at one point. I know its easier sad than done but you cant let job interviews or stress really get to you too much.

Mental health is oh so important. We face a lot of pressure in mainstream modern life. The answers have got to be there for some peace of mind.

I started to find those answers and look at life in a new way when I entered recovery 

Best wishes to everyone on the forum