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Worried sick re hubby’s addiction  

 
Tired_
(@tired_)

hi all, 

I’ve recently found out my husband has a gambling addiction, found out Sunday. 

When I met him 10 years ago I knew then he had an issue but we sorted it together & made things right. 

Anyways, Sunday it came to light that he’s never gotten over this addiction & 10 years on he’s now in £40k debt. We talked about everything, or have to give him the benefit of the doubt that he has. 

My trouble is, what if telling me doesn’t help him & he goes back to gambling? He’s said he will do what it takes & has immediately added the software to his phone & signed up to the exclusion programme for 6 years. Hubby has maxed out his cc & has a personal loan. I didn’t know about any of this till Sunday, I somewhat feel like I’ve let him down by not noticing this sooner & feel foolish that I was unaware of all this. He would never show me his finances & now I know why. 

I did threaten to leave him but I don’t want to do that as love him implicitly. I feel hurt, disappointed, betrayed, relieved that I know  I’m all over the place  

For the first time he’s now given me access to all his finances and asked to help him sort this out. 

Im not really sure what I’m posting for, maybe so I don’t feel alone or to understand how others cope with this  

I can only hope that this is the end of it 

thank you 🙏🏼 

 

This topic was modified 2 months ago by Tired_
Quote
Posted : 11th June 2019 12:30 pm
Mikeyb888888
(@mikeyb888888)

Hi

 

Its my first time on here. 

I lost my ex wife due to gambling and if I could turn back the hands time I would do anything.

Please give him support and i promise you it will make your relationship stronger than ever. 

Gambling is a serious problem that is uncontrollable at times

 By you taking charge of his finances means he wants to change so help him. 

Gambling is a sneaky disease so you need to take full control over his finances in order for this to work. 

I'm sure it is hard for you to deal.with this but together I'm sure you can make things right. 

ReplyQuote
Posted : 12th June 2019 12:34 am
Amom_
(@amom_)

Hi Tired

What a great name... living with an addict leaves us tired as that's exactly how I felt ... along with angry, frustrated, terrified and very sad.

His addiction is not your fault. Nor is it your fault that you didn't notice that he had never really quit. That all rests on his shoulders.

A gambling addiction is very progressive and needs a lot of work to manage.... on the addicts part not your part.

Can you find a Gam Anon program to attend for support and advice for yourself? Your best hope for coping with this is to figure out what your boundaries are and how to support without enabling.

Cathy

ReplyQuote
Posted : 12th June 2019 1:05 am
Tired_
(@tired_)

Hi Cathy, 

Thank you for your response. 

It really is soul destroying. There’s nothing in this world I want more than to make it work & have to focus on this being the first time he’s wanted to change. 

Equally that doesn’t stop me from being terrified that the gambling will win over how it’s affected the rest of us.

It’s obviously hard because I don’t get it. To someone who doesn’t have a problem it’s easy to just walk away & don’t do it! 

I have contacted GamCare & passed my details on to attend meetings. 

One step at time is the only way we’re going to get through this. I’m just worried how long it’s actually going to take! 

Thank you 🙏🏼 

ReplyQuote
Posted : 12th June 2019 6:28 am
Boolooser56
(@boolooser56)

Second what Cathy says.  Every day will be a battle but you sound very supportive indeed like my partner.  Ive been gambling about ten years now too.  Just take minuete by minuete.  It’s gonna be a tough road but I’m sure with you by his side he’ll be just fine.  It’s not your fault at all please don’t feel this way.  

 

X

ReplyQuote
Posted : 12th June 2019 7:35 am
Tired_
(@tired_)

Thank you @Boolooser56 It might help me to speak to fellow addicts to understand further. 

it is really hard as for me I can’t under why someone who risk everything for the sake of a 5 minute feeling, that is ultimately going to make you feel like s**t because the outcome is never great. 

Equally I don’t want to spend the rest of my life punishing & reminding him of what he’s done as he knows the extent of the damage & thankfully I am grateful that he’s told me now. 

I just fear that he relapses & puts everything at risk again. For me I guess I’m going to have to try and understand this another way and realise it’s an issue rather than just a pleasure. I just don’t want him to think because he’s been honest & told me about it now, it makes ok to somewhat carry on? 

He got upset with me for getting cross etc but I’m trying to explain to him that I found all this out on Sunday & im on some emotional rollercoaster right now so not even I know what I’m thinking. 

Ive said to him that we need to stop all forms of “gambling” which includes the lottery, scratch cards, a slot machines at the pub, casino visits etc... he snapped at me saying that’s not his problem, it’s online slot machines but surely it’s all the same & one temptation will lead to another? 

Anyway like I said, this is still very early days & I do want to help him but he really needs to help himself. The only thing I can do is support him & be his rock xx

ReplyQuote
Posted : 12th June 2019 8:15 am
Tired_
(@tired_)

@mikeyb888888 Thank you for your reply, sorry I have only just seen this. 

It saddens me that this addiction can take control of them & not see what they have in front of them. I guess it’s easy for me to say that. 

I will fully support him & do what I can but I do realise that he also needs to help himself as I certainly don’t want him living a life as a prisoner. 

In time I hope we will get there & can only wish that this is turned into a success story  xx 

ReplyQuote
Posted : 12th June 2019 3:05 pm
Sarah1976
(@sarah1976)

Hi tired.

As an addict, reading your story has helped me try and think about my partner.  When you say you found out about the 40k did he confess or did you discover?  You are right to be cross.  In fact angry at being lied too.  He is defensive because like us all he has guilt.  He will feel awful but we all make excuses.  Get him to sign up to gamstop which should help massively with online problem.  Best blocker.  As for the other stuff you need to let him know he has 40k to repay. So while the other stuff may not be an issue in his mind. It is.  And every pound in the slot could go to repay debt.  Can you take charge of finances?  As an addict I would love my partner to do that but he doesn’t want the stress.  If you can.  Do it.  Give him an allowance.  He will not like it but only way you will sleep at night.  As an addict juggling money is second nature to me.  Been doing it 25 years but you may not want that?   My partner is understanding of my issue but too understanding which enables me.  I have gambled since I was young and Friday I made a conscious decision to try and stop everything forever.  I may be gone in a week but if I am I want to try and help as many people as possible.  Finally you are not to blame.  This is your husbands issue.  His fault, his decision, his to work his way out of.  Good luck 🍀 

ReplyQuote
Posted : 16th June 2019 4:32 am
bdog
 bdog
(@bdog)

Hi Tired,

I would love to sit down and have a chat with you.

Id explain how I’m in my 40s, physically healthy, educated with a masters degree, well dressed, well travelled, earn over 50k a year in a job that has some standing in the local community, have a lovely house in a desirable village, an amazing beautiful wife, 3 great kids, I know right from wrong, I do charity work, I believe in a welfare state....

but I’m a recovering compulsive gambler who risked all of the above for years, knowing that it was wrong, immoral and detrimental to relationships,  mental health and financial stability. 

I simply can’t explain it. I am to blame and it’s my responsibility, but I can’t explain it. My wife, kids and wider family have no blame whatsoever and I did a very good job of hiding things from them and everyone else. In fact, much of the past is still hidden and may remain so, but the future is brighter.

I hope that makes you see what this can do to you! I’m now 170 days gamble free and that’s the longest I’ve gone in my adult life. I have clarity and I am almost at peace with myself... but I still can’t explain it.

I hope these ramblings are helpful in some way.  Protect yourself and your future. Be understanding that there is an issue and it will take time, but don’t feel you have to be tolerant. It was difficult for me to stop, but it was necessary for me to be able to live the full life that my family and I deserve.

ReplyQuote
Posted : 16th June 2019 10:05 am
Tired_
(@tired_)

Hi @sarah1976

An argument occurred, which resulted me in saying that unless he told me everything I would leave - wrong I know but it’s what was needed at the time. 

It was then that he came clean to me about the extent of everything. Obviously i was shocked but it was good to get everything out in the open. 

He has signed up to the exclusion and added the software to his devices for the maximum term. 

I know he wants to make it work because before now I was never allowed to see his finances, whereas now I’m allowed to check whenever I want & will be taking control of helping him sort things. I know it’s a bit like babysitting but will be useful for starters. 

Well done for taking the steps in stopping yourself. I can only appreciate how hard it is for you but just remember that stopping is the start of your next chapter & time for a fresh start. X 

ReplyQuote
Posted : 16th June 2019 12:49 pm
Tired_
(@tired_)

@bdog

My husband is the same, he has an authoritative role within the community. We have 2 children between us.

I think for him, he’d got into a position that he couldn’t get out of. He has spoke to me lots about how he feels and that it’s been a big deal coming clean & how he now feels like he can breathe again. He’s been very stressed had sleepless nights, anxiety for the last few years. I’d picked up on this & knew something wasn’t right. I pleased that this had come out as now feel that we can begin to build on. 

That is amazing that you have remained strong and focused on what you what for your family. 

I’ve found this really helpful and especially so that I’ve been in contact with addicts, it helps to see this from your point of view. Thank you ever so much for reaching out to me. 

X

 
ReplyQuote
Posted : 16th June 2019 1:05 pm
Purification
(@purification)

Have patience, gambling triggers can be back any time it’s normal so you need to control very effective way like built up good relationships

ReplyQuote
Posted : 16th June 2019 1:13 pm
bdog
 bdog
(@bdog)

Great stuff. I’m really glad you’ve found posts helpful. I always feel somewhat fraudulent giving advice as I’m only here because I have a problem, but if something good can come from it for someone else, that also helps me, my pride and my self esteem. 

If at some point your hubby feels like chatting, I’m your man 🙂

Having such a role, I imagine he has a sense of pride that’s been shifted in some way. I’m now taking it as a blip in a one hundred year life! They come and go and it’s how we deal with them that shapes us.

ReplyQuote
Posted : 16th June 2019 1:16 pm
Purification
(@purification)

170 days away from madding gambling really really good news. Keep it up bro

ReplyQuote
Posted : 16th June 2019 1:23 pm
Tired_
(@tired_)

@bdog my husband is already in here, so you may have chat him at some point, if not more. 

I know no one is perfect & im a great believer in everything happening for a reason, whether this be good or bad... it might have been the kick up the a**e needed to make us realise what we mean to each other 

therefore that’s why I’m fully prepared to help him tackle this & start as we mean to go on. 

ReplyQuote
Posted : 16th June 2019 5:15 pm
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