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C520
 C520
(@c520)

Hi all. I'm new to all this and just really need somewhere to scream.

A little background to me.

I am a mum to two children to an ex partner. I have been with my current partner for 2 years and we are expecting our 1st baby, my 3rd his 1st, in early 2020. I always new he liked a flutter, football accumulator, world cup, grand national. I had no idea how bad it had truly got.

We have had 4 pregancy losses in the last years and so it's been a tough time, we booked a family holiday in august for some time away, by the time it came round we had found out we were 8 weeks pregnant and all was fine. 

When we were home he finally admitted he had a more severe problem with gambling. At this point he blocked his name and details from online use for 5 years. I was relieved he was taking steps to help himself.

We went away again at the end of august which had been booked and paid for a year in advance, at this time I was unaware he had no money, and was lending 100s from family. 

I found out after checking my bank and noticed large amounts of money missing, he also took my children's spending money given by family to use while we was away.

We had several conversations about how this made me feel and me asking what I could do to help him. I naively believed he was ok. Even though he is quite possibly the Olympic gold medallist for lying. 

At the end of sept, I found out that he had once again spent all his wages on betting, by day 3 after getting paid he had no money. I was devastated, I had to find some money to feed us all and house us all. Looking after 4 people, Bill's, mortgage, car etc on 1 part time wage killed me. I told him he now had to put majority of his wages into my account, so that I could ensure his Bill's were paid, and we were ok for the month. He refused. And wanted to prove me wrong. 

I couldnt force him to do it. I broke down and pleaded but no he wanted to be the man.  

Once again end of oct comes he spends up on betting all the while lying telling me he has money. 

On Sunday I broke down, I told him he was breaking me, that he had destroyed my trust, basically said alot of things I probably shouldn't have as it doesn't help but I was at breaking point after lies upon lies and only 5 weeks till xmas.

I said thats it no more debating from now on when you get paid you put the money into my account or you can leave. I can not risk losing my home with 2 kids and 1 on the way.  I spoke to his parents saying I needed help to support this and needed them onboard. They had to buy me some food to last until I was paid today.

Today i was paid i woke up to pay the mortgage and some bills. Noticed he had used my account to put a bet on, 50 pounds out of an already strained budget. I was mortified, that was it. He knew I needed essentials for my kids. I couldnt take it. I've asked him to leave. 

I dont know what to do anymore

 He has always admitted to a problem bit never done anything about it. He wont let anyone help. I just dont know what to do. Our lives are just beginning together out baby girl is due in a few short months, xmas is round the corner. I feel like I'm doing all I can to help support him but hes just throwing back in my face and not even meeting me half way. 

Sorry for the long post. 

This topic was modified 3 weeks ago by C520
Quote
Posted : 15th November 2019 3:48 pm
Forum admin
(@forum-admin)
Admin

Hello C520,

 

Thank you for sharing your experience here on the Forum, we hope you find it a supportive, helpful community. It seems like you have been going through a very difficult time dealing with the impact of your partner's gambling problem. Please consider calling our helpline to speak directly to one of our advisors. You are eligible for treatment support (like counselling) to help you deal with this, and support you to make the right decisions going forward for you and your children. We are open 24 hours a day on 0808 8020 133 

 

Kindest regards,

 

Laurie

Forum Admin

ReplyQuote
Posted : 15th November 2019 9:22 pm
Minnie1
(@minnie1)

Hi, 

I've just read your post and know exactly how you feel. I've been in the same position as you and asked my partner to leave a month ago!

We have a baby together but I couldn't risk losing all that I had built up financially to someone who thinks it is okay to waste money and throw all our futures away. It wasn't just about the money it was all the lies, deceit, doubt, anger that came with it. I was starting to feel ill. Like myself it sounds like you have given him more than enough chances and been very supportive there's not much else you can do. The rest is up to him. Perhaps throwing him out will be enough to make him realise what he's going to lose. I guess that all depends on whether he takes you seriously (my partner didn't) and if he knows people who can put him up or bail him out if that's the case he will no doubt carry on the way he has.  You've done the right thing, look after you and your children first, change your accounts etc so he can not get access to your finances. x

ReplyQuote
Posted : 15th November 2019 11:03 pm
Murlo
(@murlo)

Hi C520

I am so sorry that you are having to deal with all of this. I am a compulsive gambler and until recently I felt I could beat it on my own. I couldn’t but have seen sense and getting support now. 

First and foremost you have to protect your finances. Change your cards etc. Your bank may be able to put a block on any gambling transactions. Just explain to them what has been happening and they should be able to help. My wage goes directly into my partners account now and there is no way that I can access  it as the bank have put extra measures in place to ensure all transactions are authorised by him. I am given what money I need to get by and no more.

From personal experience, if he won’t accept that he needs support and needs to change his access to finances he is unlikely to change his behaviour.

You must focus on yourself and you children first. 

 

 

ReplyQuote
Posted : 16th November 2019 10:43 pm
C520
 C520
(@c520)

That's the worse. The lying. If he was honest about it yes I would be angry at first but then I'm aware instead of walking around all month blind. 

His parents have been huge enablers he spends his money and they lend him more to cover his Bill's so it's a case of no matter what he does he knows it's ok. I asked then to stop giving him money and told them everything, and yet they continued to do it. It's like banging my head against a wall. 

We had an open and honest conversation, finally. I told him what it was like from my side and what hurts more, I would have more respect if he was honest, told me if he has temptations so I can try help keep his mind off it. He has always admitted to a problem but never done anything, he has since taken a step forward and has spoken to someone, which for me I feel like it's a huge start and I'm so proud he has done it. I told him what he needs to do for me to be able to keep him under my roof and for us to fight this together, I dont need to see what hes speaking about but I need proof he is speaking to someone so just showing me "look I'm on the phone"or  I'm messaging someone and showing me the thread, not the speech as that is private for him and I hope he will tell me when he feels comfortable. He has also taken the steps to make sure all his money is put in my account and I can give him the money he needs to live on while ensuring we can afford to live. I've told him by no means does this make it ok but I'm happy he is willing to take steps to help himself. It's going to be a long road but I'm hoping he can do this for not only himself but his child and our family.

ReplyQuote
Posted : 17th November 2019 10:28 am
Murlo
(@murlo)

Hi,

I am so pleased to hear your partner is taking the first step in seeking help. Hopefully a big dark cloud will lift for him and he will begin to accept that your interventions in terms of finances etc are there to help him. I wish you both all the best. Use the GamCare helpline and netline if you need to. They can be really helpful in the more difficult moments 

ReplyQuote
Posted : 17th November 2019 12:15 pm
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