Hello all again,
Tonight, I come to the conclusion that whatever I try, all will be wasted.
He is intelligent. He is smart. And he knows how to play words to hurt me. To make me small.
I felt sorry for him and wanted to help even after separation. Speaking to gamecare, attending Gamanon, listening to people with experience, bringing brochures to let him read, etc. However, all that effort is going to be only hurting myself. If I continue, it will be just like psychological self-harm by giving him chances to say things against me.
I feel deeply sad. Can I ever be able to trust a man again? I don't think I can.
Why a human being can be so cruel to others? Why? After all those years? Why?
And unfortunately, I am blaming myself for being (or trying to be) kind, for allowing him to use me. I feel stupid. I feel so so small. And I really don't deserve this.
It’s only a waste when you look at all that you are doing in a bid to change him. That is futile.
Instead, move your focus to over to you (where it belongs) and look at what you need to learn from this and what changes you need to make to you and to your life. No waste but possibly some painful lessons which are as yet incomplete.
Stick to GamAnon and also try CoDA meetings, details on their website.
I want you to just take a second and breath. You need to try and slow your head down as its probably going a million miles an hour right now.
This is not an easy thing to go through, but you're in the right place here, surrounded by people who have a great deal of experience and have been through hell, just like you are now.
It's oh so difficult to wrap youwr head around, and honestly, might be something that you just can't, but please just look at your username, because genuinely, there is hope.
Right now this is a shock, because not just one thing, but everything has been pulled out from under you, and that you have lost control. However, I want you to know that this isn't the case. Its hard, but you need to shift focus away from him, and back onto you.
Practically speaking, you need to take things one step at a time, separate finances where possible and gain some distance. Have you been in touch with stepchange?
I found it was the emotional trauma that was hardest, the lies & deceit, the blame being shifted from them and onto us, the innocent bystander that only wanted to care and do the right thing.
Right now you think it's a waste, and although you might not be able to see it right now, that's not true. You will come out of this stronger and wiser, and still be such an amazing person. Don't ever think othwerise, because you're a rock star, and definitely did not deserve this. Remember that.
My CG made me believe I was some horrible, diabolical person, time and again when things weren't going their way. Unfortunately, that's the addict speaking, and the nature of an interrupted addiction. You need to be strong here and step away, no matter how much you may have wanted to help. 'help begins at home' so you need to focus on you, and make sure that you are taken care of, nothing else matters. You are your own priority.
It sucks, and it's a horrible situation to be in, but this isn't something you can fix. Certainly not overnight at any rate. With the best will in the world, unless they want to get help themselves, it doesn't matter what you try. 'you can lead a horse to water, but you can't make it drink'
Don't feel stupid, there is nothing wrong with being a good person trying to do right by the one they care about. It just sucks that you have been brought into this horrible situation, and been exposed to this nasty affliction.
However, you need to step away from this, get some distance to clear your own head, and also so you can stop being taken advantage of. Thinking about long term plans isn't going to help right now, you need to focus on you and your situation right now. Again, it's hard, but it will keep you sane I promise. Deal each day as it comes, face each challenge as it arrives.
I will leave you with something that was said to me in a GA meet to me over in the states, apologies for the cliché sayings, but they are relevant. 'the present is called thus for it is a gift, yesterday is the past, it cannot be changed and is wasted dwelling upon. Tomorrow is the future, it has not arrived and will always be there. Focus on today, for it is a gift.'
You'll get through this, just one step, one day at a time.