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Waiting for him to take first steps :(  


Hi I'm new to to this group. After years of living with my partner. I finally have had enough of the online gambling. Two nights ago he used our money in the ISA. We have a three year old and are saving to buy a new house. 

The day after he was horrid to me, very arrogant, cocky. He packed a bag and went out for the day. I had to hide his car keys/phone to stop him doing anymore online gambling and drink driving. As he had topped himself up from his drinking that night. 

He only gambles when drinking. 

He returned later that day full of sadness and emotional tales. This is usually the pattern. 

I do not want to be with him until he gets professional help. And admits he has a problem with gambling. So far he says he's depressed and feels lost removed link  

I cannot push him to seek help. I've written details down of who he should contact after talking with one of the gamcare team yesterday morning.

Anyone have advise on my next steps ? Continue living like this until he gets help? I do not wish for my previous little girl to be around such negativatiy.

I am a nurse so work part time long hours. He has been thurlowed. Hoping he gets back to work next week.




Posted : 7th May 2020 6:54 am

Hi Riab, welcome to the group, I have struggled with gambling for a long time and I can relate to the person you describe your husband as being, He needs to accept he is a compulsive gambler and admit to himself he has a problem and needs help, drinking and gambling goes together in my experience, it's a addiction that is hard to understand if you are on the outside looking in and especially hard if you are a partner of someone with the addiction, only your partner can beat this and want to accept he is beat by it and enough is enough.for me  I had to admit my mental health was also a problem ,I am currently receiving professional counselling which is a great help and something I believe gamcare could point him in the direction of, I am ashamed to admit that I have put my wife and kids through the gambling hell it creates for some time until my wife laid it on the line that I will lose her and the kids if I did not stop and to get help, my bags were packed and I was asked to leave the family home , gambling brings wreck less behavior and depression it basically overtakes you and your soul, you need to if he accepts take over the finances and he needs to give up his bank cards, all financial business and hand control to you although it is a huge ask on your self to do this as you and your child are the innocent party here, but laying things on the line should make him realise if he loves you and your child to think hang on a minute here I have a problem and I need help to beat it  ,  for me it has helped no end, no access to money = no access to the bookmakers, he needs to put a block on his phone to ban himself from entering any online bookmaker, casino websites, he also perhaps needs to address his drinking and ask if this is a problem addiction aswell, being furloughed is not helpful and he probably has time on his hands but it is a dangerous time and like me in the past having time on your hands is a trigger to losing quite a substantial amount of money, he needs to put the stops in place now, gambling is a serious addiction and he can stop but I must stress only he can do this and accept he has a problem and seek the help that is out there. I hope things work out for you all and wish him the will to beat this devil of addiction which it is., also there is councillors for the partners of gamblers which my wife found to be helpful, also gamcare can point you in the right direction.


Posted : 7th May 2020 9:53 am

Hi Riab 123 and welcome to the forum.

Im afraid to say you could be waiting a lifetime for him to change and recovery doesnt work by playing a waiting game.

You need to protect yourself now as you cant relay on a gambler to keep a roof over your head. 

Clearly gambling is not acceptable to you and nor should it be. Its not your fault and he needs reality checks. If you are safe to do so you need to tell him that you are not putting up with gambling any more and he needs help

The gambling will continue if you are a shrinking violet about it. Its a drug addiction and he is seeking a fix. After years he thinks you are just going to put up with it.

Now I know its not easy and we are not relationship counsellors. However I would be making no plans with a gambler. Ive been a gambler and your life and living standards are riding on black or red. I know the dangers of this addiction. Its an addiction that destroys gamblers and their family relationships

You need advice some support so you can make some clear decisions. You need reality checks. As you can really see this is no game about a silly flutter. Its one of the most dangerous addictions out there and I think its the most dangerous in the way it clears out life savings in no time.

Im not saying he is evil. Im saying he is an addict with no control and he needs serious help.

You can only help him if he is ready and he sounds nowhere near ready for a born again moment. Im sorry but he needs ultimatums for the sake of your mental health and family security. You may need distance and you cant rule that out.

Keep talking, seek more advice and try and build a support network of family and friends.

Best wishes from everyone on the forum

Posted : 7th May 2020 4:03 pm

Your partner is an addict, I am afraid to say there are no guarantees that he will change, regardless of the consequences. Its common for compulsive gamblers to get into serious debt, lose jobs, lose the house and most of us don't seek help until we reach 'rock bottom'. That is the stage when we simply cannot get access to anymore funds to gamble.

Im sure your partner does love you and his child but gambling will always come first Im afraid. He does need help but you cant force him to do anything, he could go to therapy or GA meetings just go through the motions and not actually change. Recovery is only in his hands. 

What you can do to help is stop supporting his ability to gamble, let him know you will not tolerate it anymore, if he gambles then you are going your separate ways. I know it sounds tough but CG's live off the knowledge we can get away with as much as possible off the people closest to us. He is used to doing as he wishes, you cannot control his actions and behaviour, but you can control your own. You need plenty of support, don't bottle this secret up (secrets and lies are the life blood of addiction). You have begun the process by coming on here.

If I were in your shoes I would leave him, or kick him out and not return until he was getting help, not an easy step I know and thats why you will need as much support as possible. But if you do return it should be with full disclosure, full access to all accounts, credit history, emails, the lot, so you can see the true scale of things. 

Posted : 10th May 2020 11:48 am
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