My partner has been a compulsive gambler for the last few years. On and off she has attempted to try to solve this. The most recent attempt was her wanting me to have financial control so she can't spend it all and to drop feed her so she can slow down.
I don't know if this was a good idea or bad but I did this. A limit was agreed etc, it started OK, but then I was continually pressured into transferring more with threats of contacting my daughters mother and ruining things for me with my daughter. I had my own online account that was rarely used in the past and my partner was using this so she could feel more in control of her spending. This failed miserably when she began transferring money out of my bank account herself to play. I have received emails from these sites saying there are concerns due to the massive increase in usage. I am hoping to get a mortgage when the world settles down and am concerned this activity is going to affect that. I have raised this concern with my partner before.
In the last week I transferred her money to her so she could pay the essential bills and I have today been told none of these were paid, her account is now overdrawn and she insisted I give her all the rest of her money she had transferred to me to look after, just over a thousand.
I forgot to say today is my birthday and I have spent the last few hours in our car. I have been kicked out of the house, threatened with the police if I didn't leave and told the money is all going to be gambled and its all my fault because I won't let her use my gambling account anymore. My son and step children have seen all this unfold and I now cannot spend my birthday with my family.
I suffer from depression and feel so low right now and have no one to turn to and no idea what to do.
Hello,
Normally I would give long term advice but it sounds like you need an immediate solution.
Firstly don't transfer the money and change any passwords that you need to so that your partner can't use your account to gamble. You still have a responsibility to the kids and if the money is all gone then you're risking food in their stomachs and a roof over their heads.
Maybe give the gamcare advisers a call as they may have contacts for family resolutions or potentially a domestic abuse phone line as there seems to be some mental abuse and coercion.
I hope it works out for you.
Chris.
Dear @ Jimminy123 ,
Thank you for taking the time to post on our Forum today, this could not have been easy considering what you are going through, which seems to be happening as you write on here.
It sounds as though you have been incredibly supportive toward your partner and tried your best to support her through her recovery from her gambling problem. Unfortunately, it now sounds as though your partner is using some very unhealthy and abusive behaviours toward you; continually pressuring you to transfer more money, threatening to cause problems with your child’s mother, using your accounts without permission, not paying the bills, threatening you if you do not leave the house and being told this is all your fault. These behaviours are not okay for your partner to use toward you, and understandably this is leaving you feeling low and depressed.
You say that you do not have anyone to turn to and I am sorry to hear you feel this way. I would like you to know that we are here to support you. We are open 24 hours a day, every day of the week and we would like to support you through this, please do call in to us on 0808 8020 133 or alternatively please use our netline. There are also several other services that will be able to support you with what you are experiencing, in particular the National Domestic Abuse Helpline www.nationaldahelpline.org.uk, Mankind Initiative www.mankind.org.uk and the Men’s Advice Line mensadviceline.org.uk. I do hope that you are safe in this moment and feel it is important for you to know that if you are not feeling safe you can call emergency services for support with this.
Please do continue to post on the forum as the forum is an incredibly supportive community and we are all here to support you through this.
Take care of yourself,
Steph
Forum Admin
MY dear friend,
There is a very thin line between her being a gambling addict and an abuser.
Please seek help, and quickly - please telephone GamCare they are so kind with these things and will not pressure you to do anything.
Best wishes
Hi Jimminy
I just could not pass by this post as it nearly bought me to tears to hear what you are being put through.
I am out of my depth in terms of giving advice so I leave it to the professionals as per Steph's (Admin) post.
Just wanted to say my thoughts are with you and I hope things get better.
All the very best
Muststop123
Hi jimminy. I'm so sorry to see this and read your story.
Fear. Fear is what keeps you stuck. She's relying on your fear to not stand up to her and believe her threats.
its time to concentrate on yourself. Please try and keep what money you have separate from her. She shouldn't be able to transfer from your bank account. Sign up to gamstop especially if she is using your account and details. Do it now.
You have every right to email those gambling companies and tell them you are not the person using your account.
there is someone at the end of the phone at gamcare. There is also online meetings every night on Gamanon website 7-9, except Saturday. These are all anonymous, all for help. Gamanon is just for friends and family, all are people who have been in your shoes. They are invaluable resources for real help and strategies to cope.
please don't be afraid to reach out for the help you desperately need. Don't keep her behaviour a secret. Don't be ashamed. This is not your fault, not a reflection on you.
are the children you mentioned safe?
as others have said this is abusive behaviour that she is using to control you.
please get some help and talk to someone.
Hi Jimminy.
Ive been in your situation due to a partner with an alcohol problem
What you have been experiencing for a long time is an abusive relationship involving blackmail . Only with some hindsight did I realise what a mess it all was.
Your partner is an addict just as mine was. She would do anything to get her fix and that involved kicking me out to sleep in the car. Lies and fraud I experienced on a weekly basis as her fix was more important than I was. That is hard to take and maybe deep down it was only the addiction but its impossible to live with.
Many men have experienced this and i was actually scared of her but thought there was some love...even the police said it wasnt worth it...one policeman had been through something similar
Its not your fault but you have been doing everything we advise not to do. Your money should have been separate and you should not have transferred anything to her unless its a tiny sandwich allowance with receipts provided.
What you have written down is an abusive relationship and you deserve better. There is community support and you will build your life slowly when you gain strength and knowledge.
Its borderline a matter for the police but I dont know all the information. I take it the house is in her name which is where I was stuffed.
I dont know what to say about your immediate situation but you have to protect yourself and distance yourself in future.
Dont give her any more money
I usually say addicts are not inherently bad but what she is doing is very near the bone and terrible behaviour
You know your relationship better than us but she needs help and maybe you cant help her as she has to be ready.
I say look after yourself and dont let your family be given false information about you.
Keep talking, phone gamcare and The CAB will tell you if the local authorities should be involved.
Best wishes from everyone on the forum
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