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Should I ask again?  

 
Mum2AZ
(@mum2az)

hi there,

My hubby admitted he had gambled 10s of thousands of pounds on online casinos in 2019. At the time he told me he had blocked himself from sites etc and had suffered from really low mood etc.

The money he had lost was all of his savings. So I felt it wasn't my money if you like(although we have 2 young kids). 

Everything has been fine but he remortgaged the house to boost his bank account which I disagreed with but he did it without telling me. The mortgage is in his name as I own a flat we rent out. 

Last night I said to him that was amazing it must be a year since he had gambled at least and he said well apart from that relapse in the summer. I said oh you didn't tell me and he said oh didn't I. I said I thought he had blocked himself and he said he had but had managed to register again or somewhere else. .I asked how much he had lost and he said nowhere near as much as before.

I have struggled with generalised anxiety the last few months and I feel this has triggered it all off again. I am not sure if I should ask more or not. I'm not sure knowing more would help.

Thanks

Quote
Posted : 29th December 2020 5:31 pm
Joydivider
(@joydivider)

Hi Mum2az and welcome to the forum.

Although this problem is not your fault the way you have written worries me in the face of an extremely dangerous addiction.

Of course you should ask again if safe to do so. I dont know your relationship or if you are a shrinking violet.

However he needs ultimatums that gambling is not acceptable to you. Whether he likes it or not it directly affects you. You seem to have been taking excuses lightly...am I wrong?

This isnt a problem he can casually brush off or sweep under the carpet. That is a major financial loss and you need to start protecting your financial position for both you and the child starting now.

He has an addiction and  deeply serious problem. Gambling destroys people and it eats relationships for breakfast. It is a drug addiction and you will have no stability or security unless he enters a full recovery and sorts himself out.

Things haven't been fine have they because he has been gambling in secret. The reality is that it should have come to a head in 2019 and you should be controlling his finances.

You need to realise what you are dealing with here...not only should you be asking but you should be telling him that the relationship is the only important thing he has in his life.....gambling has consequences and just how do you expect to have a future if he is throwing tens of thousands down a grid.

You can only deal with this through knowledge and strength. Pick your moments because you will need a support network of  family and friends...possibly counselling.

I feel for you but you have to face this head on or it only gets far worse. He is already doing things behind your back without your knowledge so you have to question what relationship you actually have.

Its not easy and you have a job on should you choose to help him. He has to be ready for help or he wont change.

Best wishes from everyone on the forum

This post was modified 4 weeks ago 2 times by Joydivider
ReplyQuote
Posted : 30th December 2020 10:04 am
Mum2AZ
(@mum2az)

Thank you, I think you are right. It was said as an almost through away comment but it can't be left like that. I didn't push to far the first time as his mental health was dreadful following it and I felt the best thing to say was it is done now and going over and over it makes no difference. You have to look forward and never do it again and I honestly believed that was what had happened until he said this. I just don't really know where to start or how much to push for more involvement in finances. We earn our own money, have our own bank accounts and pay various bills each vs having a joint account but you are right I need to consider the potential impact on my children/their home if things got out of hand again.

It is so tempting to hide from it a d stick my fingers in my ears but I know I can't

ReplyQuote
Posted : 30th December 2020 12:20 pm
Merry go round
(@merry-go-round)

Hi mum2az

its very interesting how you write your story. You call him your hubby, but then think his money is his alone to gamble . It isn’t. You have children and a marital home. He’s relying on you to pay for everything while he remortgaged and gambled. 
unfortunately many of us have done that. It releases money to gamble. You can get more credit. This lets the addiction continue. Getting loans to gamble is very dangerous.

I would run some credit checks. I would find out legally where you stand. He’s got a cushion because you have another property that you earn an income from, but also another place to live if he loses the house.

This may sound melodramatic but you don’t know what he’s up to. Financial secrecy is unhealthy. It’s letting him think he can do what he likes, it’s not your money. It’s also making you think you don’t have a right to know. This is not the case. It’s marital money.

please get some help and professional advice. 

ReplyQuote
Posted : 30th December 2020 6:43 pm
Mum2AZ
(@mum2az)

Well I guess that is why I am here asking the questions. He has/had huge amounts savings that he had long before we met, I have none so until that point he was obviously more financially astute than me.  And I would never think any of those savings were mine but I take the argument they are my children's. I guess by asking questions on here of people who have been there I now feel a bit attacked that I haven't dealt with it well so far at all and that I need to take it more seriously and make some massive changes. 

Thank you for your input. Unsurprisingly I don't feel I have many places to go and ask advice

ReplyQuote
Posted : 30th December 2020 6:56 pm
Forum admin
(@forum-admin)
Admin

Dear @mum2az,

Welcome to the Forum and well done for sharing your story. Sorry to hear that you have been dealing with this situation, I know it can be really upsetting and frustrating as an affected other going through this.

I am glad you have been able to use the forum as an outlet for this. 

I want to let you know that we're here to support you and that you can contact one of our advisers any time that you need to talk, 24 hours a day, on the Helpline (0808 8020 133) or Netline (our webchat). You can use the service to get things off your chest to a non-judgmental ear, and we can also help you get linked into support and make a plan for your next steps. 

Please take care and keep posting

Wishing you all the best,

Vanessa

Forum Admin

ReplyQuote
Posted : 30th December 2020 10:00 pm
Mum2AZ
(@mum2az)

Thank you. I spoke to him tonight and I feel alot better although hard to feel reassured. He managed to reregistered with a gambling site with another email address and gambled that night before he was blocked, I imagine once they had connected it with his blocked email. He says he no longer has the urges to do it. And he still feels sick every day when he wakes up about what he lost. I need to think about things for a few days but I will definitely ring the helpline to talk things through. 

ReplyQuote
Posted : 30th December 2020 10:20 pm
Merry go round
(@merry-go-round)

Hi please don’t feel attacked. I have made many mistakes over many years. I’ve also thought it’s his money. But after seeking legal advice it isn’t. It’s marital money.

we learn by our mistakes. This is my experience and I didn’t change or fix anything about his behaviour or attitude. I learned to change myself and separate financially. 

This is not your fault or responsibility but it is important you safeguard yourself and for him to be more open.

ReplyQuote
Posted : 31st December 2020 10:42 am
Mum2AZ
(@mum2az)

Thank you Merry Go Round. Its all alot to process

ReplyQuote
Posted : 31st December 2020 1:25 pm
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