Problems with partner

Hello Lltk95,

Well done for joining the forum and sharing your story.

It is concerning that your partner is denying reality and apparently prompting you to doubt your perceptions and perspective.  It is also a concern that you are feeling tearful and that you feel as though you have no option but to leave home even though you pay the rent.    If you feel you are experiencing emotional or psychological abuse, intimidating or aggressive behaviour, coercive or controlling behaviour, financial exploitation, then you might need to consider whether your partner's behaviour could be regarded as a kind of domestic abuse.  To get help with reflecting on your experience, one source of support could be the National Domestic Abuse freephone helpline, 0808 2000 247, you can see their website here: https://www.nationaldahelpline.org.uk/

We provide free counselling appointments for partners in your situation, this could be a source of emotional support for you and might help you think about possible ways to take good care of yourself in this difficult situation.  Please feel welcome to call us on our freephone 0808 8020 133 or netline so we can give you a range of free options so that you can be better supported through this challenging time.

Take care,

Adam.

Hi

Ive been clean from gambling now for 4 years so when I tell you you’re doing the right thing please believe me! You’ve caught on your partners gambling fast before it could become a bigger problem! I had many a same argument with my partner because of my gambling at the beginning. Don’t beat yourself up about it. None of this your fault! You must feel so much pressure paying everything on your own especially when you have a child aswell! You have to be firm and make a stand! Long story short sometimes you have to do something even if your scared the outcome isn’t something you want.The only way I truly stopped gambling is my partner left me and after he left I realised I was still gambling after silly old me thinking I must of been gambling everything we had away because we was having a rough patch. I took my bin bag of clothes to my parents house and thought what the f**k am I doing with my life. Only then after that wake up call had I wondered if my partner had found out earlier it might of actually helped if he knew and helped me. I’ve been a member on here for a long time and never have I actually posted anything until I seen your post. Please don’t blame yourself this is not your fault and your frustrations are perfectly normal! Suggest he gets counselling or install gambling blocks on all devices in the house that way he won’t be able to access it. My counsellor told me it takes 3 months to kick a habit and just 1 day to start it again. That has stuck with me for years. He’s not to far into it he can kick this he just needs that push into the right direction. 
sending love!! 

Everything you've said means a lot so thank you so much for giving me your perspective from the other side of the relationship. 

It's just mixed views right now, the blow up last night in my eyes was but I've told you if you gamble again I will have to leave because I can't keep condoning it, and you've put a bet on anyway. 

His view was, 'it was only £10, your telling me I can't spend £10 of my own money'

But its another 10 on top of the total amount that has been wasted, gone with no winnings in return. And it's the disrespect that I've told him I'm not okay with it and he does it anyway. 

The thing is, I'm not controlling. He can do whatever he wants with his life, but what I've learnt it I don't have to be okay with it nor do I have to stick around for it. 

I already know that without him it would be a huge money saver, in terms of I eat home cooked foods at small expenses, but he only eats processed foods that are costly and loads of crisps chocolate etc. So my food pill actually is 70% his food and 30% mine.

So the gambling on top of it in my eyes is just a deal breaker. 

From your point of view, did you care if you had any money left after loosing it? He gets paid weekly, I think that's his biggest problem. Its asif he thinks oh well if I loose my wage this week I only have to wait 6 days to get paid again, and she will feed me in the mean time and buy what needs buying.

But I want to live a life where we have money to do nice things, go on nice holidays, not have to lend money of family when we have an emergency like the car breaking down, mot services all the things that pop up in life, I want to have a comfort blanket so we never have to worry. 

But his view on money is, if you have it spend it till its gone. 

When I tell him this, he calls me money orientated and that all I care about is money? Its asif he can never see where I'm coming from. Or he knows I'm right but has to say whatever he can to drag me down to feel better about himself.

As someone who's now been gamble free for years, can you understand the comparison he is making in regards to spending money? He compares wasting money on gambling to me buying 'luxury' needs such as makeup and skin care? He's trying to convince me it's the exact same and I'm a hypocrite.

I mean buying face washes is essential right? I work in pharmacy, so personal presentation is extremely important hence why I wear makeup everyday.

He has me questioning myself, about being a hypocrite. But it just doesn't feel right. 

Sorry for the book I've wrote you, but I honestly am so confused right now. 

Oh also, he keeps signing up to gamstop, he does this to stop the argument, but then let's the email verification expire so he doesn't end up completing it. 

Thanks Adam. 

It's scary to think that there's so much more to physical abuse in regards to domestic abuse. 

I'm thinking I need to write down every type of emotion that happens, and compare it and see what the outcome is. 

I do feel like he's manipulating my mind into thinking I'm wrong, it's like when I have hard evidence he still stands and calls me crazy, that there's something wrong with me. I then stand there questioning myself like am I crazy? But I've just seen it with my own eyes?

Thanks for all the information. Il deffaintly take it into account. 

He's made it plain he doesn't want to stop and he doesn't actually need to because you're his safety net.

Life with an active gambler is a hell of manipulation, lies, deceit,worry, second guessing. He won't stop until he wants recovery more than he wants the next bet. Switch the focus from him and think about what you want, need and deserve. How you want life to be.

Your not crazy! Let me start by saying that lol! 
the best way to start is to think of how a drug addict acts, they will lie, deny and do anything to get that next fix. Essentially as much as your partner won’t agree with it he’s becoming (or possibly is) an addict. In my mind I personally refused to believe I was because I thought addict was such a strong word! If he keeps signing up to gamstop  (even if he doesn’t quite complete it) surely he knows there’s a problem he’s probably hoping for that one big win that will make everything ok and go back to normal and can prove he’s not addicted. WRONG! There will never be that one big win it doesn’t exist these websites are designed to just rinse every last bit of life out of you, And he needs to start seeing that!! Maybe like you said because he has a weekly wage he knows he can depend on you. I found myself gambling all my wages on the night I had just been paid with no means to get me through the month. Then the debt starts because you borrow to sustain but you can’t help but think what if this one bet turns my life around. And that’s the mentality of an addict your convinced it will pay off big time. Never does never will! He needs to understand this if he can see that then it might help him verify the email! Your entitled to spend your money how you want it’s your money you work hard for it, your bills are paid your child is fed and the rest is yours. But to compare a face wash to £££’s lost on gambling is insane. Don’t let him get to you, you need to be strong. Maybe if you sit him down seriously and say this is it if you don’t install these gambling blocks on your phone/laptop that’s it we’re done the penny might drop. Your not money orientated to you want a nice life with happy memories for your little one. Any normal person would want this! Have you tried talking to any of his family members at all? Maybe that will give him the kick up the a**e he needs. Lord knows at 24 when my dad found out I was gambling his glare was enough to put me in my grave there and then haha. 

I feel your pain, it's so hard and you're in a situation where if he's not ready to stop he won't removed link I actually ended my relationship and it was only when my boyfriend was in a terrible B&B that he realised he actually had nothing left and that was his turning point. He's fighting every day and is doing so well (obviously with the help of GA groups and medication from the Doctor). You have to be strong and look after yourself right now if he's not ready to listen. Take care x