Please help :’(

I am so saddened to read your post mummyof2. I hope you are getting some support for yourself, this must be having s huge emotional toll on you.

Unless he is prepared to get support and make some huge sacrifices like handing over all of his money to you from next payday onwards, he is probably going to keep doing this to you and your family. You have to put yourself and your children first in whatever decisions you make. 

As a compulsive gambler I could find my way around any block. The thing that worked for me other than the gamcare help was not having access to money. 

Thinking of you at this very difficult time. 

Really sorry to read this.

I had very similar struggles to your partner for 14 years, I was 16 when I first started gambling and it was my fiancée who kicked sense into me. I used to gamble beyond my means and would find any way to do so just to feed the addiction.

What me and my other half did was have my money paid into her account, she kept my card aswell so I had no access, if I needed money I told her how much, what it was for and would get receipts to prove I had spent it on the item and show her exact change.

Gambling is a selfish addiction, it is also extremely hard to break away from and to deal with once going clean, some addictions you cut down on, with gambling you can’t it has to be cold turkey even with professional help.

He will need to make the call himself to want to get help but for you what will help is to build a support network for yourself, maybe ring gamcare and speak to their team for advice, they r fantastic people and extremely helpful.  I had to make the call to gamcare for help off my own back not because people wanted me to as then it probably wouldn’t have harboured the same results.

With getting the help I have remained clean but it did take a hell of a lot of work, I beat myself up a lot and for a good 6 months struggled to come to terms with what gambling did to me and nearly did to my family.

You have come to the right place for support, if you want to talk to anyone I am an open book same goes for your partner if he wishes to speak to someone who has been through what he is going through, I can arrange to pm with you and him if there r things you don’t wish to talk about publicly.

Take care

Matty

https://www.betterhealth.vic.gov.au/health/HealthyLiving/gambling-advice-for-family-and-friends

So sorry to hear about your struggles. Have a look at this page. It might help you direct your energy in the right places. I was addicted to gambling for 20 years and I know that you do not set out to harm your family. Gambling is the problem, not your partner and it is important to separate the two so that they don't feel cut off and cast out. A gambler cannot separate the two easily, so if you hate the gambling, they will inevitably think you hate them because this is the person they have become. This can make gambling worse because the person feels trapped. No matter what they say, they will be hurting but they need to start hating gambling and what it is doing to them and to their family.

In the last 3 years of my addiction, my family was what kept me gambling! The guilt, their pain, wanting it all to stop......I thought that if I could get back the money then I could end their pain and my own but that never happened. I needed to learn this for myself. I had to reach my rock bottom and I had to climb back up myself. I was not willing to see sense because I was not actually thinking when I gambled, I was doing the opposite of that. I gambled so I didn't have to think. So it is hard to drill sense into gamblers and make them see the error of their ways by using basic common sense as we are not in the driving seat when we have addiction. The pain is immense for an addicted gambler and so your partner will be hurting, despite what they say. This is a form of self harm. It is not selfish though it might seem that way but it is more of a cry for help.

Your partner needs to understand the way their gambling affects others because there is no end to the amount of pain a gambler can inflict on themselves. Their own suffering often doesn't factor in to addiction. Many gamblers are addicted to the act of gambling, not winning, so losing money doesn't stop them from gambling.

I stopped gambling because I could not bear my family's suffering any more and the person I had become. I did it for myself but they were my motivation. They showed me empathy and support and now I am 2 years free from gambling and slowly rebuilding my life. 

Gamstop was a great help in protecting me from online gambling. It removed the need to search for new places to bet since I knew I wouldn't be able to do it anyway. In the end, I just started getting on with my life and I am so grateful for that.

Ultimatums don't work well with gamblers because it just makes them feel cut off and actually was a trigger for more gambling because I felt like they didn't care. Let them know that it is the gambling that you hate and that you want your partner back. 

I really hope you can find a way to look after all of you. I know the damage that I did and I hurt for it every day. If only I knew that my family didn't want the money back, they just wanted mum back, it could have saved me so much suffering.

The one thing that really made me stop and think was losing time. I lost so much time with my family when they were small. I wasted it. Money aside, I can't get back that time and that is the most precious thing of all. When I was near break point, at the end of my gambling, I asked myself if I died today, what sort of mess would I leave for my family, how devastated I was at the thought of that. Perhaps you can ask your partner to think about things from your family's point of view because as I say, gamblers can take a hell of a lot of pain and can outdo their suffering each time they have a blow out. 

It's important to understand what drives your partner to gamble, what their triggers are. I doubt very much that their gambling is down to just having some fun, so if you can get them to open up, then there may be some underlying issues that need addressing together.

Hopefully you can all work this out together. There is hope. 

Hope you and your lovely family have a peaceful Christmas.  

xx

Dear mummyof2,

I am sorry to hear of your pain and struggle, thank you for posting so that we can all support you. I'm concerned to hear that you and your children are going to suffer because of the recent gambling and I want you to know that we're here for you all including your partner. We want to help you all.

You are right to encourage him to call our helpline or Netline for support. This is a non-judgmental, safe place where we can talk things through together with both of you. We're always open, day and night.

You are also within your rights to put firm boundaries in place, this doesn't mean you aren't supporting your partner. It means you support the recovery but not the gambling. It's ok to talk about how you're feeling and the negative impact the problem gambling is having on you all whilst also discussing what you want from the future. Along with the necessary measures that need to be put in place to break the cycle and stop this pattern repeating.

Overcoming problem gambling is a challenge, however, many people do go on to overcome it once they are ready to accept they have a problem and make the changes. We can talk through coping strategies with your partner when he calls us such as self exclusion and attending a local GA meeting or free counselling sessions through us.

Some people find it helpful to take over full financial control and to have separate banking, this may help as long as you're both comfortable with this arrangement.

I'm sorry to hear the bank account did not block the gambling transaction as it should have, please do as you say and contact the bank to discuss this further.

We offer support and guidance with problem gambling to all of those affected by it. We can also provide you with details of other organisations that can give advice for any help available with essential living costs, bills, food and support with any changes to your mental health.

We would always encourage you to open up to any support network you have around you and to please look after your own wellbeing and your children's. It's ok to put firm boundaries in place and to protect assets such as your own money and the rent/mortgage.

You may also benefit from making an appointment with your GP if you have noticed any detrimental changes to your mental health, sleep pattern or appetite so they can support you with this.

You can call your local council to ask about applying for a crisis loan, there is certain criteria to meet but it's worth calling them to find out more about this.

Please also call the Citizens Advice on 03444 111 444to discuss all options open to you and for help with any debt or other financial matters, housing etc if needed.

There are local food banks that can help you and they sometimes include festive food at this time of year, you can find your nearest one by visiting www.trusselltrust.org/get-help/find-a-foodbank/

The below two links may be useful to you too, they give advice and tips on coping over the festive season.

https://www.nationaldebtline.org/EW/Pages/Christmas-tips.aspx

https://www.stepchange.org/clients/dmp-during-festive-season.aspx

There is an online support meeting at http://gamanon.org.uk/?page_id=30 every Sunday from 8pm until 9pm. This is for the Family and Friends of problem gamblers.

Please give our helpline a call on 0808 8020 133 or access our Netline via our Gamcare website if you would like to talk further or if you would like a free referral making for some extra support in the form of counselling sessions with one of practitioners.

Alternatively, you can email your contact details to Forum.Admin@gamcare.org.uk and we will arrange a call back to you.

Please don't be alone with this, we want to help you, your children and your partner.

Take care and remember to look after yourself,

Kindest Regards

Joanne

Forum Admin

As hard as it is, it is important to let your partner feel the consequences for his actions so don't be too quick to bail him out and pay his share of the bills. There needs to be consequences in order to see how this is affecting all of you. The idea of me having to go in and talk to the bank about things was devastating and it frightened me to think that I would have to deal with calls for payments and bills bouncing. 

It is all to easy for people to see and feel the consequences of gambling but it is really important to focus on the cause as without resolve, this will keep happening. You have to get to the root of the problem and what leads them to do this to themselves and to their family. It is not normal to create these kinds of problems for ourselves and there is usually some underlying issue that they are using gambling to hide.

For me, it was avoidance, distraction and escape. Try having a chat with them about why they gamble, what they expect to get from it and what they actually get from it. It will help them to take their gambling apart and focus on ways to make it stop. Otherwise it will always be about just masking the symptoms rather than getting to the bottom of the actual cause.

Now that I am so far away from my last bet, I can see how horrific this pain and worry must have been for my family. My partner explained that he worried so much, he was afraid of what I could do and far I would go to sabotage myself this way. My gambling led to self harm because I didn't want to do it. I was sick of it and felt trapped. I wanted it to stop more than anything and I hope that your partner will also open up to you and let you in so you can help them to make this stop for all of you.

Take heart from the fact that people can change but they have to really want to do it for themselves. My partner battled with me for years and then I finally decided that I wanted it for myself and I really went for it. I am so glad that he stood by me because I must have been horrible to live with

Best of wishes.

Hi

firstly your partner needs to want to stop and secondly he then needs to want to seek help. If he's not willing to do both then you're fighting a losing battle i'm afraid. I'm recovering myself and the first thing I did was hand all of my earnings over to my partner. This protects her and my children and also ensures that no one including me ever has to go without. My wife has the security of knowing what money comes in and can budget accordingly. She pays off a loan which I used to consolidate my debts and the rest is hers to do what is required to get us through the month. 

If your partner is anything like I was he'll welcome the relief of never having to worry about another bill, phone calls from people looking money etc. 

The only way he'll beat this is by being open and honest. there can't be any more secrets. 

I wish you and your family all the very best for Christmas. 

How is it that your partner bets? Is it online on his phone. Maybe try gamstop.