I've been with my boyfriend for two years. 2 weeks into meeting he told me he had previously been a gambling addict. We were both 26 at the time and he said he hadn't gambled in about 4 months but had been gambling since he was in his mid teens and also had significant of debt he was barely paying off.
Fast forward to now and last week he finally hit rock bottom and told me he has been gambling again this year. Once in April and then he started again in August and it kept going every month until now.
Our relationship has never been perfect and we used to argue a lot and have never been as 'intimate' as he would like. He says this is one of the causes of his stress and why he gambled.
I have a lot on atm trying to get through uni and get a career whilst also deal with this. So much of me wishes that I would have ended things the minute he told me about the addiction but now I love him and we've planned a whole life together.
I trusted him with every fibre of my body and thought he would never gamble again. The ease at which he has been able to hide and lie about this has scared me to my core. All trust has gone and I just don't know what to do. It's been just over 1 week since he came clean and I've spoken to family and his mum about it and decided to try and support him though it but I'm not sure I can mentally handle this myself. His mum and I have also taken over his finances to try and stop any gambling and he is with step change so can't get credit but he did steal his mums cc at one point and gambled with it.
Tonight he tried to be intimate and I told him I wasn't ready yet and that he needs to understand that with all the months of lying I am trying to get back to seeing him as I did before but he just turns away from me and closes himself off and tells me that this is why he is so stressed.
I just don't know how to handle this or move forward.
If this was you what would you do?
It is about acceptance to someone who may not always tell you the truth. If you can accept taking full responsibility for your finances and he does the same with his and you don't mix them there is a chance you can work it out. Try not to mix your economies and try not to lend him money that would be my advice. Also, be prepared for mishaps along the way. Like late rent, he can not pay for dinner etc. This kind of stuff can happen or you may be lucky and stuff like that never happens. You won't know until you try. Just see to it that you are financially protected then you have done what you can do.
Good luck!
Hi Jellybelly,
Firstly you do not need to try to work this through on your own. If you haven’t already, get in touch with the GamCare helpline and they can organise one to one support for you. It is good that your partner is getting support regarding his debt but has he taken other measures to stop himself from gambling? If he is serious about wanting to stop he will have done that already. I am writing this as a compulsive gambler and I know how much hurt I have caused my husband and family. I also know that I have taken every possible bit of advice and support that there is to overcome my addiction. He needs to understand the real underlying reason for his gambling.
You have to put yourself first and make decisions that are right for you and your future. There is a lot of wise counsel and advice on here so keep asking questions either on the forum or to one of the GamCare advisors.
I wish you all the best.
Hi Jellybelly. I am a compulsive gambler. Sorry to hear about your situation.
Lots of red flags here am afraid. He's clearly playing the blame game and NOT taking responsibility for his gambling. Until he fully accepts that its 100% his choice to gamble and its nothing to do with you then the way forward is going to be very tough. I played the blame game in my 20's as well, it gets nobody nowhere
I know this is a bit of a cliche, but you really can't save him from himself, he will drag you all down. There are things that he can do make it more difficult for himself to gamble, but he has to do these things for himself, not because he has been badgered by you or his mother. My mother once said to me "if you end up hungry and homeless I would be very sad, but it would have been your choice".... and this is true. Ultimately we all follow our own path and make are own choices. use your own support to help you decide what you want to do and protect yourself from the consequences of his gambling.
All the best.. S.A
Hi jelly belly I've been married to a cg for 20 years. I've taken blame, done everything to help to no avail. Put yourself first. Your studies, your mental health. Do not let him blame you. Cgs are emotionally absent. They are self medicating for an underlying problem and will blame everything and anyone but themselves. He needs to take responsibility and get help. Blocks and GA, counselling etc.
you need help too, gamcare, gamanon. You don't have to accept his excuses but you do have to accept this is a problem. You can't fix him. The only person you can change is yourself. You have fallen for someone who has deceived you. You feel the need to protect yourself which is right. Think about what you really want in a relationship.
take one day at a time. Addiction is for life and if not addressed by the addict will continue in secret. You cannot stop a gambler if they choose to gamble, they will find a way. Protect yourself, your finances, no bailouts. Financial help is enabling. He has choices and so do you.
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