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Partner lying about gambling..  

 
worried247
(@worried247)

Hello! New here..

 

My partner and I have been together just over 2 years, we have a rented house together and 5 months ago we had our first child. He used to be really bad with gambling before I met him and to be honest even through the first few months of us being together.. 

 

He reigned it in because we had to save to move out and then once we were settled He was sneakily placing bets without me realising. Last time I caught a look at his accounts he'd spent around 4k on little bets every time there was a football match on. 

 

Today, we're trying to clear our (in my name) credit card that we used to buy big bits with (furniture for the nursery etc) there's not a massive amount on it but we want to go on holiday and want to do stuff next year so the goal is clear by Jan, meaning there's not a lot left over each month to play with. He was excluded from betting sites so used my name to create an account with Coral, was fine because the payments had to come out of MY account therefore I had some kind of control over it. We set him a monthly limit which was more than fair and he only tends to go over it by like £5, massive improvement from before, and he doesn't do much else for himself so everything in moderation. 

 

I've found out this morning that he has an account with Virgin bet and has been spending 100s on it without me knowing. 

He was really reluctant to show me his bank account which made me panic more thinking it was a lot more and he had been lying about his income, i don't really understand where this money has come from because when I saw how much he'd spent I threw the phone on the sofa and told him to go f*#$ himself. 

 

I've honestly had enough of the lies and the deceit and I feel like I should just walk away because it doesn't look like it's ever gonna change but we have a baby, so I feel trapped.

 

Also just to add, whenever I confront him about it, even when I've tried to be calm previously, all I get in response is that he doesn't have a problem, compares his gambling to people who are worse than him to try justify it, and then it gets spun round on me spending money on some new clothes *which I may add was 3 months ago, and it was only because none of my other clothes fit me after having a child!* 

 

I don't know what to do for the best anymore so I'm turning to likeminded people for some advice! 

 

Thank you all in advance!

Quote
Posted : 14th September 2021 10:23 am
Pep1952
(@pep1952)

Really sorry you are going through this. The unfortunate thing about supporting a gambling addict is you can’t really do much until they are convinced they have a problem and they lead on the action plan to abstinence/recovery. Sadly, no matter how much effort you put in, a gambling addict will find a way to gamble. Until he is ready, you need to make sure to protect yourself financially. I suggest cancelling any credit card card he has access to and ensuring only you can access your finances. I would also like to add that gambling addicts are master manipulators - all of them without an exception. And this is probably why he managed to convince you to let him use your details to open a gambling account. This is an absolute red flag and just wrong but of course he sold this to you so he can feed the addiction. Also, the way to recovery is to abstain from all types of gambling. I’m afraid gambling addicts can NEVER gamble in moderation. It always ends in a tragedy. Some may have a big win along the way, but still eventually ends in a tragedy.  The only way to do it successfully is not to gamble at all, not even to flip a coin. My partner lost lots and lots and lots of money to gambling and his recovery only started when he came clean to me and his loved ones and took the lead on how he can fight the addiction.
Sorry to be the bearer of bad news but as i said, you won’t be able to force him to stop until he acknowledges that this is an addiction, it’s harmful and he needs help. Another thing to reflect on is, would you be able to wait until he’s ready to stop? If you choose to wait, as mentioned above please keep your own finances safe and seek support for yourself because gambling addiction has a massive impact on loved ones too. 
I wish you all the best and please keep writing on here. 

This post was modified 2 weeks ago by Pep1952
ReplyQuote
Posted : 14th September 2021 7:59 pm
Detrimental
(@detrimental)
Posted by: worried247

Hello! New here..

 

My partner and I have been together just over 2 years, we have a rented house together and 5 months ago we had our first child. He used to be really bad with gambling before I met him and to be honest even through the first few months of us being together.. 

 

He reigned it in because we had to save to move out and then once we were settled He was sneakily placing bets without me realising. Last time I caught a look at his accounts he'd spent around 4k on little bets every time there was a football match on. 

 

Today, we're trying to clear our (in my name) credit card that we used to buy big bits with (furniture for the nursery etc) there's not a massive amount on it but we want to go on holiday and want to do stuff next year so the goal is clear by Jan, meaning there's not a lot left over each month to play with. He was excluded from betting sites so used my name to create an account with Coral, was fine because the payments had to come out of MY account therefore I had some kind of control over it. We set him a monthly limit which was more than fair and he only tends to go over it by like £5, massive improvement from before, and he doesn't do much else for himself so everything in moderation. 

 

I've found out this morning that he has an account with Virgin bet and has been spending 100s on it without me knowing. 

He was really reluctant to show me his bank account which made me panic more thinking it was a lot more and he had been lying about his income, i don't really understand where this money has come from because when I saw how much he'd spent I threw the phone on the sofa and told him to go f*#$ himself. 

 

I've honestly had enough of the lies and the deceit and I feel like I should just walk away because it doesn't look like it's ever gonna change but we have a baby, so I feel trapped.

 

Also just to add, whenever I confront him about it, even when I've tried to be calm previously, all I get in response is that he doesn't have a problem, compares his gambling to people who are worse than him to try justify it, and then it gets spun round on me spending money on some new clothes *which I may add was 3 months ago, and it was only because none of my other clothes fit me after having a child!* 

 

I don't know what to do for the best anymore so I'm turning to likeminded people for some advice! 

 

Thank you all in advance!

So sorry you're going though this, Worried!

Shoe on the other foot, I have been the manipulator and played the blame game. Just because he spends all his spare cash on gambling does not mean you can't spend yours on clothes for goodness sake!

I was a bit concerned about the bit in bold, as a compulsive gambler cannot ever control their gambling i.e. controlled gambling does not work for a CG. He was giving you false hope that all was good, when he was placing the bigger bets elsewhere.

I would suggest locking down all you accounts from him i.e. change passwords etc. and don't give him the opportunity to take anything of yours. 

He does have a problem and needs to seek help. He isn't at the stage to agree to this yet, so how you play it is a tricky one. How tough do you want to be? In my experience a kind approach to a CG rarely works, so there has to be some degree of tough love here.

I wish you well.

 

ReplyQuote
Posted : 15th September 2021 4:51 pm
ChatModerator
(@chatmoderator)
Admin

Hello @Worried247  Welcome and thank you for sharing on the Forum,

You have already had some fantastic responses! I wanted to add that I am sorry to hear what you are going through with your partners’s gambling problem and behaviours. I can imagine this is all really stressful and exhausting esepcially as you have a young baby.

Please consider the suggestion regarding your financial security. 

It sounds like all of this has been going on for quite a while for you as well so can I suggest that you contact the GamCare Helpline on 0808 8020 133 or Netline just to have a space to talk and offload and see what other support we can offer you.

As suggested above please keep posting. 

Helen 

Forum Admin

 

ReplyQuote
Posted : 15th September 2021 9:20 pm
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