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Hello Lily,

I'm a believer that any advice should be based on my experience. When I was married and I got into debt, initially my wife would take a loan out to "help me out". What this actually did was just get rid of the debt and I didn't have to focus on the problem so I went back to gambling. For the record, when I say the problem, it wasn't gambling, that was just the symptom. I was the problem that needed sorting out.

My most successful time with a debt while still married was to take complete responsibility for it/them. I went through a company called pay plan. They wrote to all my debtors, because obviously there wasn't just one, and we agreed on a monthly repayment. All the interest was frozen and it just became a monthly payment that I could afford. As I had been to Gamblers Anonymous in the past I already knew what else to do so I transferred my wages to my wife and took away my access to money. We then sat down online each payday and moved the money to the right places, made sure certain bills were paid and so on. I didn't give it to her to do but as a partnership we did it together, I just didn't have access to it.

I then went back to GA and started my recovery again. 

So my advice through experience is to not tangle yourself up with your husbands debts, as long as he is working then he is quite capable of helping himself albeit with your moral support.

Chris.

Hello there. Maybe we need a little more info, but as I see it you say "gambler", not ex-gambler. Therefore I strongly advise you to not place your trust there. A gambler will do ANYTHING to gamble. We were all there: Liars, manipulators. If you dont do anything to take control over finances, that loan will go to gambling. Believe me. You just said it yourself! He borrowed money from the NEIGHBOUR to gamble. You have every reason to doubt his words, because a gambler will do anything to get to do that. Propose that you will handle the money. See his reaction and that will tell you all that you need.

Wish you all the best.

Thank you for getting back to me, it's much appreciated. It's a difficult decision but I know deep down that we are best to move to protect us all financially. I now control his finances but this is all new as I have only just found out the true extent of it all. 

Well whatever you do Lily20 it will have to be controlled by you and the assets in your name.

I dont know enough about the debts but the devastating thing about a gambling addiction is you are drawn into them as property posibly becomes at risk.

A neighbour as a creditor doesnt look good and hints at the bigger picture here. You say you husband IS a gambler.

You need to learn about a gambling addcition. I wouldnt live with a gambler and Ive been a problem gambler...Thats what worries me about your story

You have a job on and need your eyes wide open. Firstly you need to protect yourself and you need as mush financial advice as you can get.

Dont rush forward  with anything until the foundations are in place. He should be willing to be in recovery and all money must come through you.

He also needs reality checks about what debts are his and how it has affected you. I cant advise you whether to pay them off quickly with equity but you are entitled to a living allowance before debts have to be repaid...some may have to accept a pound per month but Im not naive in that they will be looking at your assets.

The trusted advice is not to bail a gambler but I understand it could seriously affect your quality and security of lifestyle

A financial advisor will tell you if loans are unsecured and what can be done.

The gambling must stop however as this is the deep mess it creates

Best wishes from everyone on the forum

Hi Lily I have been in your situation. Found out lots of debt and immediate reaction from my husband was to sell, pay his debts. I refused, I didn't work. I took over finances and he sorted loans etc, nothing secured. This didn't stop him gambling, it just made him more secretive.

don't worry about your neighbour. You didn't borrow the money it's not your debt. In most stories I've heard any kind of moving, selling off assets just let's them think they are free to gamble.

i secured myself by becoming 'tenants in common'. It safeguards your share of the house. 

At theses uncertain times I would suggest not making any rash decisions. Find out what your husband intends to do about his debts. He can put blocks in place and hand over finances. Do credit reports. Stepchange are a charity he can call to find out his options.

dont pay his debts, don't borrow on his behalf. Make sure you see him doing whatever he can to stop before you do anything. His word is not enough.

there are online meetings for gamanon from 7-9 while this lockdown continues. (Not Saturday). Go to the website. 

Your priority is yourself.

Mr L suggested downsizing to pay the debt first time round. I refused and it was the best possible decision as two years later he did it all over again. He did however get a bailout from my parents and me including a substantial amount to a work colleague. Worst possible decision as you can see.

Don't take on anything you are liable for. Avoid sticking unsecured debt onto the house. There are debt charities out there who can advise - Mr L ended up going on a DMP with Payplan which froze interest, made payments affordable and had the added bonus of trashing his credit score (aided by defaults I deliberately allowed) so he couldn't take on more. Whatever your husband owes the neighbour (you can't even be sure this is actually the case) is his problem to sort. You don't need to get involved.

You need to see credit reports from all three agencies to see the true picture and then keep regular checks on them as they update monthly. Check your own too. All free - Credit Karma,Experian via MSE and Clearscore.

Mr L signed the house over to me (not foolproof but better than nothing) although if there's a mortgage the lender may not go for this if your salary doesn't meet their criteria. Big assets are in my name and major  purchases are made in my sole name from my account.

Don't trust a word he says without independent proof. Gamblers who won't stop can and will take everyone around down with them. Look after your own interests.

My husband already has an IVA something he did without me knowing a couple of years back. The other money he owes is to family and friends, which makes it awkward for me. Unfortunately I can't afford this house in my name as he has racked up the overdraft that is attached to. In the past he's had loans in my name (unbeknown to me) most of which he paid off but the last one my dad paid it to help me. They rung me on my works phone to say I was in arrears so now my credit has got a cifas attached to it for extra protection and I check it on a weekly basis. The only reason I would take on the debt is so I don't have to uproot the children and to take family/friends out of this mess. However you have all confirmed that I need to protect myself and the only way to do this is to move and have a property in my name only. I need to know that I have that security and then he can use his money to pay people back. After being with him for 22 years, I never expected to find out that I don't really know him and I have got to protect myself from him. How are you supposed to get your head around it all? I have spoken to counsellors, legal and financial advisors who have been good but none of these can protect your heart when you still love the person that has done this. Will this ever stop hurting? 

That is not a fool proof strategy. If he moves with you he's paid his debts with your equity, he'll feel free to gamble. If he lives with you he will still have rights to the house unless you get a legal document to specify his lack of financial interest. I wouldn't make any rash decisions about selling, especially in this climate. Hang on to the house as long as possible. This is all manageable, I'm still with my husband but protected myself. If you want to remain in the relationship look for help from GA for him and Gamanon for you. 

Thank you for your reply. I'm not sure I can hang on to the house, if he can't pay his debts then he risks going bankrupt, due to his iva. It all sounds way to scary and that makes my anxiety even worse. I don't want to be taken down with him, if I leave it too long there may mean there's no equity from my half of the house either. I have been thinking long and hard over this for the last couple of months, I just wish there was an easy solution ?

As I understand it even if he goes bankrupt the creditors can only put a charge on his half of the house and may well have to wait for their share if a forced sale would be deemed unfair to other interested parties (you and the children) but you really need to take expert advice on this. Don't agree to anything he suggests until you have.

Hi Lily I hope you're ok. I keep reading your posts as it reminds me of myself. When I first discovered all the loans etc my reaction was to pay it back. I also wanted all our family to know. In theory this is to help and stop family members lending more money. I attend gamanon meetings, see a counsellor, sought legal advice. I do this to make me knowledgable and emotionally strong. 

Now I don't feel the need to pay his debts or sort out his troubles. It takes away the responsibility that is his.

If he's borrowed from family that is not your debt to pay. Your money is to pay living expenses and mortgage.

it is really tough on you but this isn't your fault. It's not your debt. If family knew that you've got to move to pay them back how would they feel? 

If he has an Iva how has he been able to run up more debts? Is this irresponsible lending?

stepchange are a really good charity to talk to. I've found them very helpful just for information. 

Can you survive without paying debts? Debts come last. 

These are just my thoughts that may help you.

Thank you for your reply, is there life on the other side? Can we be happy again? In all honesty I would like a magic wand to make this all go away. I want a normal life for us, especially the children. Moving would be a fresh start even though I would be guttered to leave our home. I would have to use my half of the equity to buy somewhere on my own and I have worked out how I could afford this on my own wages. Living here scares me as I need to rely on his income but moving means I wouldn't have to and he would be able to pay family/friends back. If he doesn't that's his problem and not mine. At this moment in time I honestly don't know if we have got a future together as the trust has gone. My thinking is if I feel secure and he continues getting help we may stand a chance with support of couples counselling. It's all too big for me to deal with in one go so I have break it down to be able to manage. My children are my first priority and it's hard as I don't want them to end up hating their dad. 

Lily all those things are possible but as I said debts come last. His responsibility is to his family, that's you and the children. Debt comes last irrespective of who it is. Therefore family who lent him money took that risk. His money is not for gambling or his debts from gambling.

if he's honest about stopping and getting help he should hand over credit reports and finances. The money you both earn is for the house.

he can put blocks in place, sign up to gamstop you as well if he's inclined to use your details. Go to  GA, online at moment. Gamanon is online too, not Saturdays, 7-9 pm. 

Start small, get support, info from people who have experienced this.

take a day at a time, no rash decisions.

my kids don't hate their dad , he's difficult, this is a mental health issue. 

You have to see change from him, he has to seek real help.