I need advice from someone who's at least been gamble-free for a number of years. sorry it's long, but you need a bit of background to understand the situation.
Welcome to the forum.
A gambling addiction is one of the most dangerous things you could face as a partner so I would need more information from you on that side.
Do you know he has definately stopped gambling? Unless you were controlling all the finances and monitoring his credit reports yo will not know for sure.
I cant advise or help with relationship issues. People grow apart. I dont know your relationship or how loving it was/is.
If he has relapsed he probably wont tell you. This addiction is so strong that it cares nor for partners homes and children. A worst case scenario is the addiction wants rid of you so he can continue to gamble.
However dont run yourself down. Knowledge is strength with this addiction. You dont need him running you down and one thing you certainly dont need is a partner that gambles or cant face recovery properly.
A key point is that gamblers are not inherently bad people. Its a mental illness and addiction. Im a nice person. Being gamble free didnt bring out bad behaviour. Im a better person for it with a healthy mind.
A gambling problem is a complex addiction triggered by many factors. Its linked to troubles in the soul. Im afraid he should be soul searching and you need to be going deeper like was he stressed bringing up a family and was he really happy at any stage of his life.
Your health is just as important. If it isnt working it isnt working. Im just worried that he may be gambling but you havent given enough information about that. Everything seems a bit manipulative and my best advice is that you may need some space as you build strength and security...dont lend him any more money!.
Ive been a gambler and I wouldnt live with one if I wasnt 100% sure the control of money was with me. and the gambler was relieved to be in a true recovery You need to learn much more about what you are facing.
Best wishes from everyone on the forum
Thank you for taking the time to read and reply- a gambler’s perspective is always handy to have.
Im pretty certain he’s been gamble free for the last 2.5/3 years. He’s paid off his debts and had spare money to do other things. I’ve been checking his bank statements quarterly. Probably in the last year I’ve stopped doing it though.
I’ve noticed a few suspect behaviours. The last repayment he made to me, he gave me £2000 in one go. It was a lot of money, but surely if he had won that money he wouldn’t have used it to pay me back!
During his recovery he also regularly did auctions on eBay- i thought this was a bit dodgy, but he seemed fine with it.
Last Christmas he wanted to take part in a charity raffle/auction at his works’ do, and I begged him to please don’t do it!!
in the last few months, he’s been very difficult to talk to. So I’ve not brought anything up with him. Also because I don’t think I will be able to help him again in case he’s relapsed.
like you say, he probably got a bit too much stressed raising a family, and recently relocating to a new country, and he’s not happy with his life anymore.
regardless of this, he’s become quite selfish and self centered, so probably this is just part of who he is.
time will tell, I just hope this is just a mid life crisis and not a relapse!!
Yes all I am saying is that its very difficult to tell you what you may want to hear.
You need to protect yourself firstly and foremostly. If he has space and access to cash you wont really know if he is gambling. Its an addiction which creeps back if the mind hasn't healed...it can come again out of the blue because its powerful and all consuming.
What we are trying to say to you is this is no time for uncertainty or for you to be a shrinking violet. If his gambling cant financially affect you then you may be able to help.
Just tell him that gambling is not and will never be acceptable to you. You cant tell him what to do if he is reluctant to change.
I feel for you but it sounds as though he is making decisions to go it alone. You cant do much about that other than be strong, dont be manipulated and make sure your finances cover your security. You also make it clear that you are not a lending bank or a financial shoulder to cry on.
You are the mother of his children but it doesnt mean you should be manipulated or be unhappy with it all
You may need some counselling and you need to plan finely what affects you if he relapses or not. He is an adult...he stands by his own decisions as long as it doesnt affect you and the kids. (which gambling unfortunately will in some way)
I know its difficult because if he is gambling, it will drag him down ands its effectively with money he could support the kids with.
Its your call...I dont know enough about what he may or may not be doing.
we advise partners to protect themselves and seek all the help and advice you need.
Best wishes from everyone on the forum
Gambling controls your life and ruins relationships. I have been addicted to slots online for several years, chasing the big jackpot wins. I self banned from a site telling my husband no more, in March this year I used another site. He opened a joint bank account with me to monitor the money,it was only me paying money in. It was so that he could watch what I was doing. Yes you guessed I failed, he said he wants me to leave our home. I want this to stop for good and I want to stay in my home. It is a nitemare, which is all my fault he has been a good husband to me and I have failed. I am hoping he will let me stay and this can work out as we have a son at home. Today I have made a positive decision I am finally ending this slot addiction and spending time doing something else, because it makes you worse and not a good person.
Hello, I advise you to read the following post. I leave you an extract of some of them:
Pathological gambling is considered to be one of the impulse control disorders according to the DSM psychological reference manual. Here are 9 possible behaviors that may be occurring in someone you know, or even yourself. If these behaviors occur, or at least 5 of them, we can talk about a problem with gambling.
1) If thoughts revolve around the idea of playing, recurring and frequent desires to play.
2) More and more time is needed to satisfy the pleasure in the game. Before with less time the person was happy, now needs to increase that time.
3) The person who has problems with the game, may have repeated attempts to want to leave the game, but does not succeed.
4) Gambling is used as a way to avoid problems and decrease symptoms of anxiety and sadness.
5) When he tries to stop playing or is not playing, he has feelings of irritability and persistent desire to play and restlessness.
6) He often loses money and tries to keep playing to see if he gets it back.
7) Usually lies to those around him.
8) Illegal acts (theft, fraud, etc.) may occur in order to get the lost money.
9) You can lose loved ones, whether they are a couple, friends, etc.
Finally, the pathological player is the one who has all or most of the areas of his life affected.
The pathological player can go through a series of phases:
1) Pre-contemplation phase: the player does not think that he is 'involved' in a problem, enjoys playing and does not listen to the advice of others.
2) Contemplation phase: the person already has a few problems and begins to think and consider possible ways to seek help.
3) Action preparation phase: the person already has a lot of problems and has even become lonely, has tried to stop playing, cannot and is looking for professional help to get out.
4) Final phase (recovery or relapses).
Remember that psychological and medical assessments can only be performed by professionals. Do not self-diagnose. If you meet the diagnostic criteria or are in one of the phases, remember that with professional help problems can be overcome. In many cases combining psychological therapy with medicine. In the case of psychology, problem-solving techniques, relapse prevention, cognitive therapy, relaxation and exposure techniques are used.
https:// www. psychologytoday.com/intl/conditions/gambling-disorder-compulsive-gambling-pathological-gambling
Edit (if anybody reads this): after 3 weeks of me first posting, surely enough he’s admitted to having had the biggest relapse.
So you guys were right!!!
I love this forum.
Now he’s in England and I’m in Italy and he doesn’t even have the money to come and see his kids. I’ve known him for 7 years, but it still baffles me how many life opportunities CGs can throw away for the sake of one last bet!!