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Laurel
(@laurel)

Hi

Ive been with my partner for 5yrs now and we live together with my  8yr old daughter. 

Ive always known that my partner used to have a 'problem' with gambling but as far as i was aware, this stopped 13yrs ago and was no longer a problem.

Over the last week after having a lengthy chat with his brother, i found out that all those years ago he lost his job because of his addiction amd it was a much bigger problem than i new about. After this chat with his brother alot of the characteristics he explained about i recognised. 

Anyway., after a very long chat with my partner it turns out that the gambling has never really stopped and has become worse over the last 6 months.

Im so upset about the lies ive been told, he has sold gifts that i have bought for money, defaulted on so many payments, been having his post sent to an old old address etc he has organised numerous events that include friends and family, taken the funds of people and gambled their money away and the events are coming up and our friends are non the wiser that these social events arent going to happen, nor can we afford to repay the money. 

The £25k debt that has accumulated is not my major worry.

Im concerned that although he says hes ready to stop, im not sure i trust anything he says. He went to GA meetings previously via the betting shop. But admits now he wasnt ready to stop then. Hes given me full control over all of his finances and im giving him an allowance for things. He has contacted all the lenders and set up payment plans. He is also started re attending GA meetings. 

Gambling isnt something i have any experience with. What i do know is any addiction comes with lies but its so so hurtful, i feel that this man that i had 100% trust in doesnt even exist. 

Sorry for the rambling post but my question is, how do you truly know someone is ready to stop gambling? How can i support him through this without feeling like im treating him like a child? 

Thanks 

 

Quote
Posted : 29th May 2019 2:06 pm
Joe-90
(@joe-90)

Hi Laurel,

Sorry to hear about whats happened, its a shock when people realise that they are living with an addict. The years of lies and broken trust are hard to take and the road ahead is long. But well done to you for coming here and seeking advice. Im also glad to hear your husband is attending GA meetings and the fact that he has relinquished financial control which means he is starting to take recovery seriously.

GA is a great support network for a compulsive gambler but you too also need support, there is Gam-anon which is a support group for friends or family of compulsive gamblers (google gamanon). 

The recovery journey is a long one and not an easy one as you are discovering, so decisions need to be made from the get go. If you are sticking by him then there a rules that must be followed, you need to know everything, full disclosure. This addiction is strong so its common for us to hold some things back, you want everything out in the open. So if he is serious about it you need complete access to everything, bank accounts, emails, credit history the lot.

I know it can feel like your babying him by taking financial control but this is vital as if he has access to funds he will most likely gamble again at some point. I can tell you what me and my partner do if that helps.

We have separate accounts and then we have a joint account, I put my wages (and anything else) into the joint account. If I need to get something I use my card (majority of shops etc can be paid with by card) and she can see every single transaction on the banking app. She also gets my email alerts on her phone and she has access to my credit score account so she can see if I borrow or get credit cards out in my name. I have also self excluded using gamstop (vital) which stops me using online accounts and self excluded from the local betting shops. You should be with him when he self exludes.

These may seem like babying or a bit extreme but they are necessary as a compulsive gambler will destroy your family as you have already seen.

If you have any questions please ask, bet of luck whatever happens.

ReplyQuote
Posted : 30th May 2019 10:45 am
Laurel
(@laurel)

Thankyou so much for the wise words of advice. Gamstop has been signed up for and i have full access to his account. I didnt think about getting access to his credit report which i think is a really good idea.

I think i should attend a group as i feel i need to talk to someone about it who will understand, as this is very new to me. 

Thankyou very much for the advice 

 

ReplyQuote
Posted : 30th May 2019 9:55 pm
Laurel
(@laurel)

Thankyou so much for the wise words of advice. Gamstop has been signed up for and i have full access to his account. I didnt think about getting access to his credit report which i think is a really good idea.

I think i should attend a group as i feel i need to talk to someone about it who will understand, as this is very new to me. 

Thankyou very much for the advice 

 

ReplyQuote
Posted : 30th May 2019 10:22 pm
Joe-90
(@joe-90)

Best of luck with it Laurel, keep us posted. Always people here to help if we can.

ReplyQuote
Posted : 3rd June 2019 5:25 pm
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