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TwiceFooled
(@twicefooled)

After almost 9 years, I am back here again.  

Long story short, my husband has done it again.  After a long stint at her majesty's as a consequence of his addiction, and a relapse again from 2016 to 2017, which resulted to loss of our life savings ( this amount may not be a lot to many, but it's all we have saved up for our family), he has finally confessed again today that he has been gambling since December 2019.  This resulted to a considerable loss again, and a big set back to the finances of our family.  The amount of money, although considerable is not as painful, as the deception that he has done to me in the last 12 months.  

I supported him through 4 years of imprisonment, and then license after that.  He promised me he will never have done what he'd done if our daughter and I was in his life then, because he wouldn't risk not being with us, yet less than a year after he was out on license, he has gambled away our life savings.  

I've forgiven him after that, and I took the reigns of our finances.  Everything was fine, until December 2019 when he started again under my nose.  I had a feeling here and there, as he had become secretive again regarding an account that he used to pay for our bills.   He told me, he just wanted to be able to surprise his family once in awhile, and wanted privacy to do so.  I let my guard down as it has been over a year, and thought to myself he wouldn't dare risk losing us to gamble, plus there isn't a lot of money in that account to worry about.  

January 2020 we found out we were expecting.  March 2020 lockdown happened. right before lockdown he finally found a job but was told due to lockdown, all hiring is on hold.  This was fine, as I have a good job, and never made him feel pressured to earn money, however I wanted him to make something of himself as I know he is worth more than what he has resigned himself into.  In September 2020 he was called back, and started the job he was supposed to start last March.  I was so proud of him, and just in time as we were about to have a baby, and I would be in Maternity leave.   

Fast forward beginning of November 2020, he was acting really strange, and asked me to put some money so we can be approved to open a joint current account together.  I stupidly believed him even though I knew it didn't make sense.  I truly feel ashamed that I allowed him to use the same tricks as he did last time.  

Today, he came clean because he has used all avenues, and the only other way of him getting money is taking a payday loan which he knew will only buy him a few weeks if that.  He gambled a way the £1k I've given him to put on our joint account, and managed to talked our landlord to transfer back 2 months rent payment I've made because I was going to be on Maternity leave, and wanted the two months before Christmas to be not as stressful as far as bills to pay so I paid in advance.  

I am so angry with myself that I've allowed this man to do this to me again, but even angrier that I allowed him to hurt my children.  He destroyed all faith I had in him.  The dreams I have of the man he could be, the father that I thought he was.  I kept asking him why he has done this again, why are our daughters not enough to stop him from destroying his life, and destroying ours.  

Money will be earned.  It will be difficult and a long time to save the amount of money he gambled away, but what breaks my heart the most is I could never ever look at him and believe he could actually change.  I could never see him as our protector, as what he has become is a toxic person who continuously makes selfish decisions to break any kind of faith, trust, and future we have in him.  

Our 7 year old daughter adores him, and it would break her heart if I decide enough is enough, but everything in me tells me I have to cut my losses, put myself and kids first, and just leave.  My brain is telling he will never change.  All the sacrifices I've done for him, everything I could possibly give him, I have given him.  Yet, it's not enough to stop him from breaking my heart again by gambling.  12 months, he kept gambling and I didn't know. I couldn't imagine that he is capable of doing this to our family.  

I apologise in advance for how long this post is, but I am hoping that by writing this I could relieve my broken heart/spirit of the pain I am currently feeling.  

I know it's an addiction, but when is enough is enough?  When will it end? Will it end?

This addiction is worst than any addiction in my opinion, as it directly affects the loved ones. 

 

 

 

 

 

This topic was modified 2 months ago by TwiceFooled
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Posted : 1st December 2020 8:12 pm
Joydivider
(@joydivider)

Hello TF and welcome to the forum.

That is a heart wrenching story and you have done well to write it all down for us.

Its so hard to tell you what you may want to hear at this stage. You have to gently ease off on yourself and realise that its not your fault but there is going to be a new you in dealing with this to protect yourself and your children first and foremost.

We are not relationship counsellors but I will say that you can not let this be a blind love or be a shrinking violet about this.

Are you safe to talk it through with him? He needs reality checks...he needs to be told the reality of the situation which is that gambling and the mess that it creates is NOT acceptable to you. he needs to realise it has serious consequences for the relationship.

He needs to be ready to stop and seek all the help he can get. Is he ready because you can only help him from a position of knowledge and strength.

If you can build up a small network of family and friends to talk to...you may need counselling over this.

I dont know enough about your financial situation but you need to protect the roof over your head and food on the table so it doesnt rely on a gambling addict. Being proactive in getting financial advivce and contacting your landlord will help focus your mind on activity and positivity. You need to know where you stand to make decisions.

Now it sounds as though he was forced to come clean. Im not saying he is inherently bad but he is clearly an addict to the worst addiction I know about. Gamblers cant help themselves and they don't really do it with an evil laugh to hurt you. It is a drug addiction more than anything.

However Im not letting him off with excuses. He has to take full responsibility for what he has done and show you properly he means to change. You will have to monitor him and control the finances on top of everything else running a family involves

I feel for you. Are you ready because you may need time to think this through and make your decisions? Whether you stay or go is your decision that nobody here will judge you on

Keep using the forum.  Please ring gamcare again as many times as you like. You will get further help and advice you need to move on in a positive way

Best wishes from everyone on the forum

 

 

This post was modified 2 months ago by Joydivider
ReplyQuote
Posted : 2nd December 2020 3:37 am
TwiceFooled
(@twicefooled)

Thank you for your words and advice.

I can’t tell you how angry I am at him.  I love him but I told him that can only go so far, and I can’t keep forgiving him because he has an addiction. He has to take responsibility.

We both didn’t sleep last night, as I was relentlessly asking him why, how, and when.  

I still don’t know what I will do but for the sake of my kids, I want to take time to see how things will be.

I have taken control of finances, and I will not allow him to be able to take that away again otherwise we are off.  

I also told him he needs to get help.  Either GA or here.  He needs to sort out whatever is telling his head that it’s ok to do this.  He needs to control his addiction.  He has lost his liberty because of it, now he will lose his family if he doesn’t change his ways.  

I also need to get some sort of counselling, because the betrayal he has done is beyond what I can accept.  

I will continue using this forum, and share what progress we have done, or if he doesn’t change we are off.

ReplyQuote
Posted : 2nd December 2020 7:51 am
Lethe
(@lethe)

I'm sorry to read your story. Living with an active gambler is hell but they are the only ones who can change things and they'll only do it if they want that change more than they want the next bet.

Mr L has never been under any illusions about relapse. He's clear that if he ever so much as glances at a bookie's door again I'm done.

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Posted : 2nd December 2020 9:15 pm
TwiceFooled
(@twicefooled)

I totally agree with you re they are the only ones who can change and stop.  I mistakenly thought that having our girls and I are enough to stop him from self destruction, and destroying our future along the way.  Clearly that’s not the case.   

I told my husband I am not the kind of person who needs material and extravagant things.  I do have a dream of being a home owner, and just having some extra money to afford going away for a holiday once a year.  I aspire to be a an example for my girls so that they will grow up to be responsible with their finances so that they can have a better future.  

I told my husband I am exhausted.  I am tired of going through the same circle over and over again.  I am tired of working hard and nothing to show for it as he’s gambled all the money away.  

I am so sad that this could be the life we would always have due to his addiction.  Will it ever go away?  Will he ever be able to take hold of it permanently ?  So many questions.

Today I’ve calmed down.  The initial shock has gone, the betrayal has become a real eye opener.  I could never let my guard down.  Would this be my life? Constantly anxious that when I am not looking it will be the same scenario.  
I am tired...

ReplyQuote
Posted : 2nd December 2020 10:21 pm
Han
 Han
(@han)

Thankyou so much for sharing your story. I am four months in to a relationship with my partner who has admitted to gambling for the past two months. We don’t have any shared finances however the lies and betrayal have still hurt.

i worry that maybe I am enabling him by saying I understand (I don’t) and promising I won’t leave him. I hoped if I loved him enough I could help him stop. He has joined gam care cbt programme but won’t phone the helpline as has said there is nothing they can do or say after he’s gambled.

i don’t want to end the relationship but worry I could still be in this situation in years to come. 
I wish you well in having to make some difficult decisions and hope you and your girls are ok

ReplyQuote
Posted : 3rd December 2020 8:38 pm
Han
 Han
(@han)

Thankyou so much for sharing your story. I am four months in to a relationship with my partner who has admitted to gambling for the past two months. We don’t have any shared finances however the lies and betrayal have still hurt.

i worry that maybe I am enabling him by saying I understand (I don’t) and promising I won’t leave him. I hoped if I loved him enough I could help him stop. He has joined gam care cbt programme but won’t phone the helpline as has said there is nothing they can do or say after he’s gambled.

i don’t want to end the relationship but worry I could still be in this situation in years to come. 
I wish you well in having to make some difficult decisions and hope you and your girls are ok

ReplyQuote
Posted : 3rd December 2020 8:38 pm
TwiceFooled
(@twicefooled)

Hi Han,

I am sorry to see you’re in this situation.  When I say I understand how you feel, I truly do.  
I met my husband 10 years ago, and he was a compulsive gambler then.  He had some period of time, even years when he didn’t gamble.  He always told me that if he had met me sooner, and we had our eldest daughter he wouldn’t risk it.  
10 years and 2 kids later he still manage to slip and damage our finances.  
I love my husband and kids.  I want to give my children a chance to have the family they deserve and that’s why I keep hoping that this cycle will end.  
I controlled the finances for awhile but dropped the ball.  Basically, I was busy at work, with my children.  So I trusted him.  I thought he would never risk losing the kids, and gambling again.  But that’s exactly what he did.  
What I’ve learned is that they will never stop because of us.  They have to do it for themselves first.  They need to want it for themselves.  
My husband did the CBT program, a long time ago, and perhaps it helped him.  It didn’t stop him from gambling again.
 
I really don’t know if there’s anything that will stop him, but I do hope that he can change his ways.  He says he will, he promised me he will, but I am a realist.  I know that the chances of him relapsing and doing the same thing he has always done is much higher than him actual stopping.  Perhaps time will tell.  I did told my husband time is running out for him, and for us.  This is the last time I will allow him to do this to our family.  

Best wishes to you, and I hope that your partner change his ways.  

ReplyQuote
Posted : 3rd December 2020 9:33 pm
TwiceFooled
(@twicefooled)

This is the 4th day after my husband came clean to me.  As I feed our 9 week old baby throughout the night, I’ve been trying to keep my emotions together.  I keep thinking of how much money, time, and dreams we have lost from his continued cycle of deceit and addiction.

As I look at my baby’s face I see her dad. I love him and I love my family.  That’s why I continue to help fight this disease with my husband.  Along the way my spirit slowly but surely diminishes.  

I told him that out of everyone in my past, he’s hurt me the most.  He has slowly broken me.  I am trying to keep it together for my kids, for him, and for my mom who is here visiting us to help with the baby.   

I don’t want to keep going on at him as I know that it would not help.  I need to stay positive because that’s the only way out of this mess.  I can’t help myself.  I want to shake him and wake him up from this madness.  

I know I have to give him time and a chance to prove himself.  But with the experience I have had with his addiction in the past, I can’t help but think it’s only a matter of time before the next shock and deception will take place.  I am scared, sad, and anxious about what the future holds if I stay, but I can’t see my kids and I without him in our lives.  Am I doing the right thing by sticking by him for the third time? Is he really going to stop for good? 

I pray that he truly chooses us over this addiction.  I imagine the life we could have.  I hope that he could see that too.  

for now with tears running down my face, I pray and hope that this time he could do the right thing. 

 

ReplyQuote
Posted : 4th December 2020 6:27 am
TwiceFooled
(@twicefooled)

It’s been 5 days since I found out about my husbands gambling.  I have to admit I still feel very much unsettled.  I still can’t believe I am still in this nightmare.  I can’t imagine going through this again.  

I am trying to keep it together even tho inside I am so scared.  I want to help him overcome this as I know that’s the only way to get out, but I am finding it hard to believe he won’t manipulate me again.  
I used to think our eldest daughter and I could be enough reason for him to think twice before  gambling again, but finding out he did it again and even got worst when our youngest was born scares me.  It keeps me up at night.  I feel like I am so paranoid as I constantly check his accounts.  I feel guilt that I have to tell him how I feel when he’s had a stressful day at work.  

I feel like I am constantly trying to stay afloat and he is constantly pulling me down with these slips.  
I love my kids, and I love my husband.  I want to keep my family.  I am so scared one day I will have to accept that it’s not meant to be.  

ReplyQuote
Posted : 5th December 2020 9:10 pm
Lou x
(@lou-x)

Great to meet you in chatroom twice, you have made some sensible decisions such as having your own account that partner doesnt have access too. The fact your checking accounts us good for both of you.

I really hope he accepts help and support..but please dont forget their is help and support available to toy as well x

Loulou x

ReplyQuote
Posted : 5th December 2020 9:15 pm
slowlearner
(@slowlearner)

Hi TF,

Is this the last time, can you hold your family together ?. Who knows. One thing is for sure you ain't paranoid you are untrusting & who can blame you for that. Unfortunately you can never know from words a CG will utter. Your husband must understand that you're no longer prepared to accept his gambling & must decide what's most important to him in his current state of mind, gambling or his family.

There are experienced partners of CGs offering good advice on here & I'm sure they'll tell you the same as I will tell you. If your husband/partner isn't ready to stop never in a month of Sundays will you persuade him to do so. You should protect yourself & your children financially at all costs.

He needs to understand that this is his addiction, his problem & not yours. Total financial control will be a big part of giving you peace of mind. I am happy now that my wife has control of the finances, I live on minimum daily living expenses, I have a desire to change but accept I'm an addict & along side blocks & self exclusion not only gives my wife peace of mind but me too as I now accept I'm an addict.

You said tonight on chat he hasn't put you in debt through his addiction, but left unchecked it's only a matter of time before he does. Please understand what you're dealing with, gambling is every bit as powerful as a  heroin addiction. The addict needs his/her fix. Passwords for his bank accounts and regular credit checks are essential things you need to have access to in order for total transparency. You need to stay in control.

Best Wishes

Al

 

 

 

 

ReplyQuote
Posted : 6th December 2020 1:21 am
TwiceFooled
(@twicefooled)

Thank you Slow and Lou,

I will keep both of your advice in mind.  
I have control of the finances now and have access to all his accounts and credit report.  He has put me in debt in the past, it’s just this last time he didn’t manage to do that but manage to still make substantial damage to our finances.  I paid 2 months in advance on our rent as I didn’t want to be stressed out financially during Christmas time, and he manage to talk our landlord to transfer it back to him.  I know this addiction made him very cunning, deceptive, and manipulative.  Without this addiction I could probably say he is a perfect husband and father, with it he is the worst.  
I am just worried that I am not strong enough to get through it this time.  I am in constant fear that he will again talk me into somehow trusting him with finances.  I worry that after sometime, I will again relinquish some control, and will drop the ball again.

This is such a silent addiction that for 12 months he went back to gambling and I had no idea.  I had some gut feeling that something is wrong but never would I imagine he has done it again.  We were happy, and expecting our second child.  From my point of view, there wasn’t any reason to go back to gambling.  We had plans.  

I know as much as this addiction has taken from him, he thought he no longer had it.  He stopped for several years.  But I think what he didn’t realized is he stopped not because he has control over it, but because he was forced to due to his situation.  Now I firmly believe that he will always be an addict.  One opportunity, he can loose control and slip again.  

I am just so broken from all this it’s hard for me to see the light at the end of the tunnel.  Maybe in time, I would be able to.  I pray to God he gives me the strength to do it for the sake of my children. 

Last night I cried again to my husband, and told him I am not sure I am strong enough to help him through this.  I know he needs me to help him get out of this cycle.  After so many years of doing just that I found myself unable to emotionally or mentally overcome this last set back at this moment.  I am a strong person, and I’ve overcome pretty tough adversities in my life, but I am also just human.  
I am for the first time getting some counselling and I hope it helps me heal.  

For now I live in hope that life will be better someday.  

ReplyQuote
Posted : 6th December 2020 2:15 am
Merry go round
(@merry-go-round)

Hi twicefooled 

how many times I said those words, ‘how’ ‘why’? 
My daughter was 6 weeks old the second time of huge debts.

She’s 18 now.

My husband used gambling to cope, a stress relief. Unfortunately it causes more.

I had control of finances, I didn’t know about credit reports then. He had secret bank accounts, gambled cash with work colleagues, used their accounts, etc. Used the money I gave him for lunch, on and on.

My point is, if he chooses to gamble, he will.

Nothing you say or do will stop him.

What I did was change the way I dealt with things.

 I stopped giving money and not asking for a receipt and change. I stopped asking why or how. 

He handed over finances and went to GA. He doesn’t have the password to his account, I do. 

A gambler who wants to stop will do anything. No excuses. 

You have to concentrate on yourself and the children. You need to speak to people he can manipulate, ie your landlord. I pay everything from my account, nothing joint, that way the money comes back to me.

It’s not been easy, it’s taken me years to wake up. I’ve filed for divorce, I’ve had my solicitor send letters to stop him cashing in insurance policies. I know that sounds expensive but the damage he would have done would have been far worse.

Until they realise you are not listening to their lies, they will try to make excuses and make you feel sorry for them. 
You have to remember money is their drug. Gambling is their ‘go to’.

A gambler needs to change, find a new pastime. Get healthy mentally. They have to get help. This is a mental health issue. Gp, meetings, counselling.

We are not drs, we cannot fix them. We cannot take on the responsibility of their well-being.

Get someone to look after the baby, get some peace. Look after yourself. Make lists of things you need to do. Do one at a time, tick off the list. Live a day at a time. Breathe, deep breathing, try and relax for just 10 minutes.

You won’t feel better for a while, it doesn’t get fixed overnight. Think about things over time, don’t make rash decisions. Don’t blame yourself, be kind.

Get all the help and support you can. Gamcare, gamanon (family and friends of compulsive gamblers with real life experience and knowledge), gp if you’re not feeling well (I had severe post natal depression). 

Look forward and make changes, don’t worry about what’s happened in the past. There are no answers as to why?

Stop worrying about him and concentrate on you.

ReplyQuote
Posted : 6th December 2020 9:51 am
Charlieboy
(@charlieboy)

Hi twicefooled, you won't get better advice from anyone than you have just had from merry. From someone who has walked the walk with a compulsive gambler. All I would say is don't pressure yourself give yourself some space and time to process everything. The counselling is your lifeline use it well and find your way forward with your children if you choose to go forward with your husband do it with eyes wide open. I love my family dearly but I still allowed the addiction to ride roughshod over my mind. I lied, cheated, changed passwords, deleted emails, maxed out credit cards etc etc. The proof is in the pudding, does he want to stop? I had wanted to but couldn't work out how to, and I couldn't find it in me to tell my husband, I was scared. My husband found out and suddenly a pathway became clear and I listened to everyone's advice and took it on board. I'm not saying it's easy it's not, but for me if was a chance for me as well, a chance to start living again. I know I'll always be an addict it's in me but I've been given a second chance and I'm grabbing it , I know my husband warts and all, he won't give me another chance, my marriage is not the best but my family unit is ( me husband and son) does that make sense what I'm trying to say ? Best wishes and take care of yourself, if he wants to do it he will

ReplyQuote
Posted : 6th December 2020 1:04 pm
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