I’ve been with my partner for 8 years and he’s had a gambling addiction since just before we met.
He’s gambled £1000’s over our relationship and stolen from me and other family members countless of times.
Ive been one of the only people to support him and stick by him when everyone told me to leave him and I do it all because I’ve love him so much.
Everytime he gambles and steals from me he is so remorseful and he always tells me to leave him. I’ve had many times where I’ve told him where to go but I just can’t find it in myself to actually leave him.
Ive just woken up to a text of him spending our last bit of money meaning we have nothing left for the month. He’s tried numerous attempts for help but nothing seems to have worked. I’m not naive and I don’t think he’s an angel at all but I know he’s a good person and I know he’s so ashamed in himself. So much so that I believe he’s too ashamed to get help and admit to someone else what he’s done.
I just need some help from someone else who is going through the same thing. I can’t talk to anyone because they don’t understand and tell me I’m stupid for still being here.
Hi , Lauren17
Thanks for posting and sharing this . It can't have been an easy time for you over the past few years and it sounds like you have been very strong and brave over this time.
It's great that you are here. There's lots of support available, and you are never alone , so never feel like you are, there's always a lot of hope.
You have the right to feel safe and emotionally and financially secure, if you can use your energy on your self care then if your partner does start recovery, then you can be at your strongest to try and support him at that point , so please do encourage him to contact us.
Please feel free to contact the GamCare Helpline on 0808 8020 133 or Netline to explore the additional support available to you. We are available 24 hours a day, 7 days a week if you would like to talk to one of the GamCare HelpLine advisers.
Could I also give the details for some organisations that can offer some free debt advice.
National Debtline – 0808 808 4000, www.nationaldebtline.org
StepChange – 0800 138 1111, www.stepchange.org
Please continue to post and reach out for support and stay strong .
All the best
Kirk
Forum Admin
Hi Lauren,
I am sorry to read about your situation. I am in a very similar situation as you. My husband is the problem gambler, and we’ve been together 10 years, and have 2 children.
I can only imagine the shock on your part to to find out what happened to your money. Especially being Christmas. I know what it’s like to be constantly let down and because of our unconditional love, we try our best to support them and also protect them from ridicule from other people because of not only the situation they’ve put themselves in but also the situation they’ve put us in.
My advice to you is firstly protect yourself and your finances. You can’t help him if you are not well yourself. Take control of finances and don’t allow him access to any money. Money is their drug. He is the only one that can be honest with himself and get help. This addiction is so dangerous as it’s a silent one. We the partners suffer in silence. Unlike other addictions, the addict sometimes doesn’t show any symptoms.
My husband has installed gamstop in his phone and has self excluded from the gambling company he gambled with permanently. I witness him doing all this so I know 100 % he has done it. Not only for his good but also for my peace of mind. If you can do this with your partner as well it would be helpful with his recovery.
I am getting myself some help via counseling as I need to be well not only for myself but most importantly for my children. You can get that counseling as well, talk to gamcare counselors so they can help refer you.
Keep talking here and there are many of us like you in a very similar situation.
Best wishes,
TF
Hello,
Thank you so much for your kind words. It’s comforting hear other people in similar situations.
I do have separate money and I have control of the finances. He is so sneaky and sly that he finds any way to get round it. For example; he was paid into my bank for months and months and then one day he changed it back to his without me knowing and gambled the whole lot on payday.
Unfortunately he didn’t change it back even though I asked him and that’s how he gambled today. I constantly have my purse with me, I sleep with it under my pillow so he can’t steal my cards but it’s exhausting being alert all the time so when I do forget that’s when he steals my cards.
I work in healthcare so I do 12 hour shifts meaning some days he spends a lot of the time alone. This is when he gambles usually which makes me feel like I can’t leave him alone and I have to babysit him.
he’s self excluded himself from nearly every gambling site it seems but he makes new accounts in other names and email addresses. He also has done gam stop but took it off again. It just feels like whatever he tries it only lasts a while before the demon takes over again.
L
Hi Lauren
It's very worrying to hear that he is stealing your bank cards. It sounds like he can't be trusted around money at all and it must be exhausting for you coping with this. It's not your responsibility to babysit him; and in fact, the more you do for him, the less likely he may be to take responsibility for his own recovery. Perhaps you may want to visit the following page about financial abuse and ask yourself if you recognise any of the patterns mentioned here?
https://www.womensaid.org.uk/information-support/what-is-domestic-abuse/financial-abuse/
I'm also a bit puzzled when you say that he took Gamstop off his phone. Gamstop is a national registration scheme. It doesn't involve installing anything on his devices. Gamstop stops people from having an account with any UK registered gambling site and it cannot be lifted until the period of registration has elapsed. Find out more about it and how it works here: www.gamstop.co.uk.
It sounds like you might really benefit from getting some support, whether that's 1:1 or in a group with other people who are affected by a loved one's gambling. Why not give us a call on the freephone Helpline 0808 8020 133 or by Livechat?
We're here 24/7 for you.
Take care
Deirdre
Forum Admin
Hi Lauren,
I know you may not like to hear this but it seems to me you are a big part of the problem here. It seems like you are enabling his gambling which can be common for people living with compulsive gamblers.
Why should he stop if essentially there are no real consequences? He took money, he just sends you a text to let you know - nice, you ask him to have his money paid into your account again and he simply ignores you.
Tackling the gambling recovery is all in his hands, you can support him in this but getting help is all down to him, but you also need support and help to see why you are putting up with his behaviour. Im a compulsive gambler, my partner has been hugely supportive which has been so helpful in my recovery but I knew that if I did not change then the relationship would be over.
When I was in the grip of this addiction if I knew I could continue on with almost no consequences then I would have. Get some support for yourself (GamAnon do meetings) and you will see where to go from there.
Again Im not trying to sound harsh but I feel for you and what your going through.
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