Hi.
I first found out my husband had money problems 3 years ago, about 18 months ago he admitted this was because of gambling.
He told me he'd been in touch with GamCare, who had advised him to give me his bank card, which he did. I did my best to understand and figured he must have turned a corner.
I then found out he'd found the bank card (it was hidden in a box of tampons, so that shows how determined he must have been to find it) and had continued to gamble behind my back. He admitted the problem when we tried to get a new mortgage and were declined as he'd maxed everything out.
We went to speak to the bank together, he explained he is a CG asked for a loan to pay off his overdraft, cancel his card completely and put blocks on other ways of making payments he had used to gamble online without a bank card. Unsurprisingly the loan was refused but the other steps were put in place. He also signed up to gamstop. Once again, I thought we were ok.
Now I have discovered he had taken out a loan and maxed out his overdraft again. Turns out the bank offered him the loan because he hadn't gambled for six months!!! I am so angry - with him but particularly with the bank. I will be making a formal complaint, how the hell can they offer a loan to a self-confessed CG with blocks on his account?!
We are back to square one. I fear this will never go away, and it has broken me.
Thanks for reading.
Hi Broken.
Dont be too hard on yourself for I know what you are going through. Its a learning process about how dangerous and powerful this addiction is.
You will not let this break you as you will now get the right advice here. Knowledge is strength and you can never be complacent again
Its not your fault so dont blame yourself. You may need some counselling over this and a full recovery can start for him once you have protected yourself fully.
You haven't returned to square one because you didn't start from square one. Now you will with rock solid foundations. Is he ready to do this properly?
You will control all finances bar a sandwich allowance. You will have full access to his credit reports and shut down all access to loans. All larger transactions to be done by you and he will provide receipts if he has to buy a shirt on his own.
If the bank have been told about gambling, I feel they are legally negligent...the sooner Financial instititions have nothing to do with gambling the better for all of us. I would take that further with pride...they were warned and they loaned which is disgraceful.
Now Ive been a gambler and I wouldnt live with one so you need to start the exercises to talk through if he can cope with recovery It is a drug addiction make no mistake so you need to know what you are dealing with here.
If he wont or cant stop Im afraid its time for ultimatums. Gambling destroys people and its got new lows in store if he continues. If he is willing to stop, you can help if he accepts a full recovery
It can be beaten and the goal is a serenity to never be complacent. The mind does heal for it is an illness. Trigger points can lurk but he wont want to do it again when he sees the light.
Best wishes from everyone on the forum
Vent away... living with an active CG is like a nightmare that you can't wake up from.
First thing is for you to take control of all finances. This isn't punishment but protection. An active CG can and will take you to complete financial devastation.
The really hard part comes next. You need to get yourself well. What do you want? How do you want your life to look? If you can find a Gam Anon group you can get the support you need to work through this with people who have and are living it.
I'm sorry that the bank gave him the loan but honestly a CG can find money anywhere when they are desperate enough. My son is the compulsive gambler and he has had his credit card limit extended in the middle of a gambling session, taken out all his bank RRSPs in one day and his overdraft limit extended. As awful as it is I still think it is solely his responsibility.
Please take care and get support for yourself.
Cathyx
Thank you for your replies.
I have had counselling, as has he, but clearly more is needed. It's hard to accept I have no say in the turn my life has taken - either I keep looking over my shoulder for the rest of my life, or I break my children's hearts by splitting up from my husband. Both rubbish choices.
I have made it clear what I expect from him and what will happen if I don't get that from him. That said, I thought I'd done that before.
It's very hard to love someone you don't trust or respect any more...
Hi Broken,
It appears he is still gambling, if so be warned - it will get worse for him (and you) before it gets better, it always does.
Us gamblers are well practiced at lying, so be wary of trusting anything he says.
He has to understand that stopping is a lifetime commitment, not just a temporary fix to rebuild his finances a bit and get you off his back.
Ideally your husband should get himself to gamblers anonymous but he has to want to go. You probably realise he won't be able to stop on his own, but does he ?
Regardless, I would suggest you get yourself to Gam-Anon, the support meetings for partners & family.
There used to be a couple of partners who posted regularly on here who were superb but I have not seen them in a while.
You need a range of practical advice on separating your finances etc & you need the emotional support & understanding that only partners of gamblers have insight into.
Now I have discovered he had taken out a loan and maxed out his overdraft again. Turns out the bank offered him the loan because he hadn't gambled for six months!!! I am so angry - with him but particularly with the bank. I will be making a formal complaint, how the hell can they offer a loan to a self-confessed CG with blocks on his account?!
We are back to square one. I fear this will never go away, and it has broken me.
ok just a few points to try and get you into the correct mindset to be able to deal with this
first things first the bank isn't going to give 2 hoots about whether or not your husband can control himself around gambling or not
the banks priority is to make profit........ your husband is profit
secondly you need to whole heartedly accept that this whole situation has been caused by your husband he has to carry the sole burden of blame and nobody else
do not make excuses for him make him face up to reality
finally the only way someone can stop gambling compulsively is by WANTING to stop gambling
he has to recognise its ruining his life and yours until he can do this then everything else is a waste of time
Thank you for your replies.
I have had counselling, as has he, but clearly more is needed. It's hard to accept I have no say in the turn my life has taken - either I keep looking over my shoulder for the rest of my life, or I break my children's hearts by splitting up from my husband. Both rubbish choices.
I have made it clear what I expect from him and what will happen if I don't get that from him. That said, I thought I'd done that before.
It's very hard to love someone you don't trust or respect any more...
Great Advice from everyone here.
The choices you make are to save yourself from this and then you can help him if he is ready. There is hope and it can be beaten. These are necessary choices and not rubbish if they protect the roof over your head
You wont be looking over your shoulder with the right measures but we are just giving you a firm reality check what a gambling addiction is capable of. Its not fair that family suffer but suffer they do. A healthy barrier or distance is often needed Im afraid
Im sure you are aware. Im just clarifying your mind. Unfortunately its an addiction out for its own highs. Im not saying your partner is a bad person. I am saying that an addiction cares not for a loving wife, children and family home.
You continue to make it quite clear that gambling is not acceptable to you. Do the exercises...try and get him to explain a gambling session because it ultimately makes no sense. Write down the losses and present them as that is the reality.
Its actually a national scandal of monumental proportions but it means big taxes for government so nothing is being done about it.
The trust is a small price compared with total ruin, he has to be fully ready though and it can be done
Best wishes from everyone on the forum
You are all right, I have been making excuses for him. Enough is enough.
I am trying to be strong but feel like I have had the stuffing knocked out of me. I will check out gamanon and try to build myself back up.
He has said he is getting help, he apparently has a phone appointment this afternoon, but I would be more likely to believe him if he told me he was flying to Saturn on a unicorn...
Bless you, seems like we are in very similar situations. I'm about to look up a gam anon support group for myself, I need it. Im hoping as well (probably stupidly) that if I go, he might consider it. Probably more likely for there to be another unicorn up there somewhere with my husband on. Stay strong X
Thanks @bluerose. Wishing you luck and strength x
I have told him I'm walking if he gambles another penny, and I mean it. I also spelled out the damage he's caused/is causing and that he and he alone is the sole cause of the mess. I will not be complicit in his lies anymore. I may be broken but I won't let him inflict further damage.
@broken ,
Please remember you can talk to us on the netline or the helpline from 8am - midnight, seven days a week.
all the best
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