Support us

Need some space to think  

 
hannahr
(@hannahr)

Yesterday my partner shared that he had been gambling for the past few weeks. As he told me, I really wasn't surprised. I noted his 'gambling' behaviour over last few weeks and in an effort not to ask him if he gambled, I asked if he was attending his chats, how he s feeling etc etc. The irony is earlier that day during the group chat i realised that while i have stopped asking him if he is gambling, I had started other questions instead so not quite the self improvement that I thought. I just replaced the question with another.

A few weeks ago, I was having a rough day and noticed his behaviour and had said how hard I find it seeing him act like that and not be able to help( at the time he had insisted he wasn't gambling). And I had said maybe us being together is not what is best for him or me at this time, he had promptly told me that is not a road he wants to take. Last night he suggested that I think over if I still want to be in this relationship and offered to sleep in the spare room. I told him no to sleeping in spare room because if we do decide to split up (or even go on a break), as soppy as it sounds, I don't want to lose a night sleeping near him as well as I cannot bear the thought of sleeping separately in the same house. Having said that, I am considering that I will spend a few nights away from home for some space to think.

We ve been together for just over 4 years. A little after we met I started noticing signs but was only in February 2019 that I really discovered extent of his gambling and by summer plucked the courage to address it and he s been trying since with different blockers, motivations etc. I m just really lost. I stopped giving ultimatums with each relapse and starting saying next time I don't know how i will react and respond. I do recognise a self growth from the way I do respond. I now know better than to loan him money, that I cant do everything for him, that I am never to blame and that ultimately I cannot force him. But I feel so tired and upset for him, for us and for a future that we cannot plan. I just feel like I m letting him and myself down.

I ve given myself till tonight to decide if I ll spend a few nights from home.

Quote
Posted : 23rd February 2021 4:31 pm
michaelscott92
(@michaelscott92)

It is a tough situation and I hope that you both get through this.

As a gambler, also in a relationship where my relationship took a lot of stress (my partner actually does not know, but luckily I am managing to battle through it now) I can totally empathise with you both and your situation. He is lucky in the sense that you know about it and therefore that gives you the opportunity to help him as much as you can. I can tell you, gambling completely takes over your mind and it is extremely difficult to control the urges, so when he gambles, and lets you down (again and again), I am sure it is not a decision that is taken lightly.

If I was in your situation and his, I think the most helpful thing you could do is to control/have access to his bank account. Give him access to enough money that he needs, and make sure he does not spend the rest. If he knows you can see his bank account, he may be a lot less likely to spend it on gambling. If you trust each other enough, he could transfer his money to you (when he gets paid from work or wherever), and you can put it aside for him and give him an allowance for the things he needs. Pay the bills for him from his money etc. It could be a good way to help him get back on track.

I hope you can work through your difficulties and stick together - He needs you more than ever right now.

This post was modified 1 day ago by michaelscott92
ReplyQuote
Posted : 23rd February 2021 9:11 pm
thejollyman88
(@thejollyman88)

Relationships are built on trust, I broke mine with partner when I lied about gambling. We are still together and she has been forever supportive. I blocked myself from all sites and allowed my partner to have control of my accounts. Put everything on the table and work together.

ReplyQuote
Posted : 23rd February 2021 11:22 pm
hannahr
(@hannahr)

Thanks Michealscott92 and thejollyman88 for your replies. I like hearing from other family/friends as find it comforting to hear from others in their situation but it really helps hearing feedback from a gambler.

I do already keep his savings, he was transferring money for rent, bills and even little 'kitties' on revolut for different needs each month. And I now have notifications if he touches any vault money. We also try to keep an excel sheet money tracker. The latest new blocker was last month he created an inbox rule that I immediately get forwarded the pay slip email once he receives it. Unfortunately he deleted that. 

I am going to suggest that I start checking his bank account as well as, his suggestion the transfer confirmations when he repays debts. In the past he just included them on an excel sheet, and then last month he said he had more that he hadn't shared about sooner (this unfortunately didn't surprise me because its not the first time) but he just asked for the money, after a few questions, I sent across from his savings and he was very tight lipped about it and when i questioned he brushed it off. He did admit to using half of the debt repayments to gamble. Now I realise could have done more. I am sad I didn't act more or even think of suggesting to pay the debts off slowly. Now he is back to having nothing as he used the last of savings to cover his/our monthly needs.

I decided I do need some space to think. And last night planned to leave this morning as its my one day a week work in the office and thought would be easier if i told him I needed space during our breakfast totgether and then 'carried on' after work. But I couldn't bring myself to say it or do it, asides from being a person who finds it very hard to get up in the morning (and it has gotten worse in the last months), I just couldn't do it. Maybe it s just excuses. I now said I ll do it after work. I feel so embarrassed and ashamed that I have packed a overnight bag.

ReplyQuote
Posted : 24th February 2021 7:31 am
hannahr
(@hannahr)

Work day almost done and I feel retched with thought of gng home to tell him I want to leave for a few days. During the day, he shared his workbook with all his planned and ongoing tasks, plan to structure his 'day at a time' as well as a financial plan for next 6 months. To be fair, sharing such a sheet and most of the content is what he s done before, but there are a couple new things that I am hopeful about including trying the agnostic 12 steps and smart recovery meetings. He s also started tracking his GF days. In past he wasn't in favor of this, perhaps he now sees a benefit to it.

I feel unsupportive thinking of leaving for a few days. And spent most of the afternoon panicking he might find the packed bag. Realising I just left it at side in spare room. not even, quite frankly put, hiding it. I don't know what would have been worse, him finding it in plain sight or hidden. Maybe I wanted him to find it? To relieve me of having to tell him? the thought of him finding it and what it may mean, it breaks my heart.

I don't think I can do it. At least not today. The energy I m trying to get to myself to do it, can be used more productively elsewhere. Maybe instead I should find moments throughout day for space, a walk, an online yoga class and start living each day at a time like he is.

 

ReplyQuote
Posted : 24th February 2021 3:30 pm
michaelscott92
(@michaelscott92)
Posted by: hannahr

Work day almost done and I feel retched with thought of gng home to tell him I want to leave for a few days. During the day, he shared his workbook with all his planned and ongoing tasks, plan to structure his 'day at a time' as well as a financial plan for next 6 months. To be fair, sharing such a sheet and most of the content is what he s done before, but there are a couple new things that I am hopeful about including trying the agnostic 12 steps and smart recovery meetings. He s also started tracking his GF days. In past he wasn't in favor of this, perhaps he now sees a benefit to it.

I feel unsupportive thinking of leaving for a few days. And spent most of the afternoon panicking he might find the packed bag. Realising I just left it at side in spare room. not even, quite frankly put, hiding it. I don't know what would have been worse, him finding it in plain sight or hidden. Maybe I wanted him to find it? To relieve me of having to tell him? the thought of him finding it and what it may mean, it breaks my heart.

I don't think I can do it. At least not today. The energy I m trying to get to myself to do it, can be used more productively elsewhere. Maybe instead I should find moments throughout day for space, a walk, an online yoga class and start living each day at a time like he is.

 

I felt a bit of sadness for you and also mostly, for him, while reading your message.
Of course you know the situation best and I am sure you will do what is right, but I can't help but feel that him sharing his workbook with you is a way of him showing he is trying to make a change.

It is one of the most difficult things to do as a gambler, and it is completely different for example, to you saying "I will not eat any unhealthy snacks this week" - It is extremely difficult to get rid of an addiction like this and in my eyes (just from your posts) it does look like he is really trying. Now is the time when he needs you most and by leaving it may make the situation worse for him (not to make you feel guilty, if you do it). If you really want to make it work, you should stick by him and do everything you can. Maybe you can take it a step further to what you're already doing and pay the bills from his account for him, and he does not access any of these online accounts other than some physical cash that you give him from the allowance. It is tough, but sometimes it's what is needed.

After he is a month or so in GF, it is going to get easier... the beginning is the hardest part. Stay strong and good luck to you both, whatever you choose to do 🙂

ReplyQuote
Posted : 24th February 2021 8:49 pm
Forum admin
(@forum-admin)
Admin

Dear @hannahr,

I am sorry to read how much guilt and anxiety you are feeling over leaving for a few days to get some space for yourself. You have a right to space to think and if you feel a few days away would help you then you should be able to do that without feeling guilty or anxious. 

This is not just his recovery process, this is also yours. And you have to do what feels right for you. If he is serious about recovery, you being away for a few days should not be a problem for him. In fact, he might also benefit from having some time and space for himself, to think about his motivation and to work his plan with full focus. 

Hannahr - you matter, your feelings matter and what you want matters, so please be kind to yourself and not just think about self-care but do it as well.

Wishing you all the very best,

Eva

Forum Admin

ReplyQuote
Posted : 24th February 2021 10:54 pm
Share this page
Share
  
Working

Please Login or Register