Need some space to think

It is a tough situation and I hope that you both get through this.

As a gambler, also in a relationship where my relationship took a lot of stress (my partner actually does not know, but luckily I am managing to battle through it now) I can totally empathise with you both and your situation. He is lucky in the sense that you know about it and therefore that gives you the opportunity to help him as much as you can. I can tell you, gambling completely takes over your mind and it is extremely difficult to control the urges, so when he gambles, and lets you down (again and again), I am sure it is not a decision that is taken lightly.

If I was in your situation and his, I think the most helpful thing you could do is to control/have access to his bank account. Give him access to enough money that he needs, and make sure he does not spend the rest. If he knows you can see his bank account, he may be a lot less likely to spend it on gambling. If you trust each other enough, he could transfer his money to you (when he gets paid from work or wherever), and you can put it aside for him and give him an allowance for the things he needs. Pay the bills for him from his money etc. It could be a good way to help him get back on track.

I hope you can work through your difficulties and stick together - He needs you more than ever right now.

Relationships are built on trust, I broke mine with partner when I lied about gambling. We are still together and she has been forever supportive. I blocked myself from all sites and allowed my partner to have control of my accounts. Put everything on the table and work together.

Thanks Michealscott92 and thejollyman88 for your replies. I like hearing from other family/friends as find it comforting to hear from others in their situation but it really helps hearing feedback from a gambler.

I do already keep his savings, he was transferring money for rent, bills and even little 'kitties' on revolut for different needs each month. And I now have notifications if he touches any vault money. We also try to keep an excel sheet money tracker. The latest new blocker was last month he created an inbox rule that I immediately get forwarded the pay slip email once he receives it. Unfortunately he deleted that. 

I am going to suggest that I start checking his bank account as well as, his suggestion the transfer confirmations when he repays debts. In the past he just included them on an excel sheet, and then last month he said he had more that he hadn't shared about sooner (this unfortunately didn't surprise me because its not the first time) but he just asked for the money, after a few questions, I sent across from his savings and he was very tight lipped about it and when i questioned he brushed it off. He did admit to using half of the debt repayments to gamble. Now I realise could have done more. I am sad I didn't act more or even think of suggesting to pay the debts off slowly. Now he is back to having nothing as he used the last of savings to cover his/our monthly needs.

I decided I do need some space to think. And last night planned to leave this morning as its my one day a week work in the office and thought would be easier if i told him I needed space during our breakfast totgether and then 'carried on' after work. But I couldn't bring myself to say it or do it, asides from being a person who finds it very hard to get up in the morning (and it has gotten worse in the last months), I just couldn't do it. Maybe it s just excuses. I now said I ll do it after work. I feel so embarrassed and ashamed that I have packed a overnight bag.

Work day almost done and I feel retched with thought of gng home to tell him I want to leave for a few days. During the day, he shared his workbook with all his planned and ongoing tasks, plan to structure his 'day at a time' as well as a financial plan for next 6 months. To be fair, sharing such a sheet and most of the content is what he s done before, but there are a couple new things that I am hopeful about including trying the agnostic 12 steps and smart recovery meetings. He s also started tracking his GF days. In past he wasn't in favor of this, perhaps he now sees a benefit to it.

I feel unsupportive thinking of leaving for a few days. And spent most of the afternoon panicking he might find the packed bag. Realising I just left it at side in spare room. not even, quite frankly put, hiding it. I don't know what would have been worse, him finding it in plain sight or hidden. Maybe I wanted him to find it? To relieve me of having to tell him? the thought of him finding it and what it may mean, it breaks my heart.

I don't think I can do it. At least not today. The energy I m trying to get to myself to do it, can be used more productively elsewhere. Maybe instead I should find moments throughout day for space, a walk, an online yoga class and start living each day at a time like he is.

Posted by: hannahr

Work day almost done and I feel retched with thought of gng home to tell him I want to leave for a few days. During the day, he shared his workbook with all his planned and ongoing tasks, plan to structure his 'day at a time' as well as a financial plan for next 6 months. To be fair, sharing such a sheet and most of the content is what he s done before, but there are a couple new things that I am hopeful about including trying the agnostic 12 steps and smart recovery meetings. He s also started tracking his GF days. In past he wasn't in favor of this, perhaps he now sees a benefit to it.

I feel unsupportive thinking of leaving for a few days. And spent most of the afternoon panicking he might find the packed bag. Realising I just left it at side in spare room. not even, quite frankly put, hiding it. I don't know what would have been worse, him finding it in plain sight or hidden. Maybe I wanted him to find it? To relieve me of having to tell him? the thought of him finding it and what it may mean, it breaks my heart.

I don't think I can do it. At least not today. The energy I m trying to get to myself to do it, can be used more productively elsewhere. Maybe instead I should find moments throughout day for space, a walk, an online yoga class and start living each day at a time like he is.

 

I felt a bit of sadness for you and also mostly, for him, while reading your message.
Of course you know the situation best and I am sure you will do what is right, but I can't help but feel that him sharing his workbook with you is a way of him showing he is trying to make a change.

It is one of the most difficult things to do as a gambler, and it is completely different for example, to you saying "I will not eat any unhealthy snacks this week" - It is extremely difficult to get rid of an addiction like this and in my eyes (just from your posts) it does look like he is really trying. Now is the time when he needs you most and by leaving it may make the situation worse for him (not to make you feel guilty, if you do it). If you really want to make it work, you should stick by him and do everything you can. Maybe you can take it a step further to what you're already doing and pay the bills from his account for him, and he does not access any of these online accounts other than some physical cash that you give him from the allowance. It is tough, but sometimes it's what is needed.

After he is a month or so in GF, it is going to get easier... the beginning is the hardest part. Stay strong and good luck to you both, whatever you choose to do 🙂

Dear @hannahr,

I am sorry to read how much guilt and anxiety you are feeling over leaving for a few days to get some space for yourself. You have a right to space to think and if you feel a few days away would help you then you should be able to do that without feeling guilty or anxious. 

This is not just his recovery process, this is also yours. And you have to do what feels right for you. If he is serious about recovery, you being away for a few days should not be a problem for him. In fact, he might also benefit from having some time and space for himself, to think about his motivation and to work his plan with full focus. 

Hannahr - you matter, your feelings matter and what you want matters, so please be kind to yourself and not just think about self-care but do it as well.

Wishing you all the very best,

Eva

Forum Admin

Hi Hannah 

If you felt he was working his recovery would that change how you feel?

We get completely lost in them and their behaviour. We forget about ourselves.

Living with a gambler is a tough road . It’s not up to you to take the responsibility for him. He’s an adult.

As you said he has shown you spreadsheets and his work book before. It’s about seeing things change. These often look very different from an actual bank statement or credit reports.

Try to focus more on yourself. Join a zoom meeting on Gamanon or talk to a counsellor. We have to learn detachment and to not be affected by others behaviour.

You could draw a spreadsheet up together so you can see where all the figures come from. Financial control is very different from seeing statements and giving an allowance.

The things to remember ,  try to live in the moment, day at a time.  You can’t control another. You can’t fix this. This isn’t your fault. Look after you, stop worrying about him.

Another thing I think is important, set boundaries and if they’re crossed you have to follow through. A gambler is a manipulator and a liar. So if they see a gap in your armour they will use it.

This is your life, this is about what you want. 

Thanks MichaelScott92, Eva and Merry-go-round for your kind words and suggestions.

I remained at home, he was in general good spirits, shared how his meeting went and I saw a motivation in him that hadn't seen in a long time. I have counselling set for next thursday and did a yoga class today.

I did tell him I considered leaving for some space and asked that on Monday, a week since he shared he d been gambling, we discuss his plan and beyond that. He didnt really see the point of it as he said he s shared his excel sheet and I know what he s planning to do but he hasn't walked us through it and said how he d like me to continue to support him (or new ways) or if I had any suggestions. Example he s included his repayment plan and it relies on my transferring his savings to him, he s never asked for them so far. I feel like its suddenly my responsibility to look through the excel sheet and see how I fit in, and just do it. Like merry go round suggested, even drawing up the sheet together. So far its always been me taking his word & written word in some excels. I will also suggest checking bank accounts/statements and credit report...things he s never been keen on or suggested himself which I understand now its because for some time of his recovery since summer 2019 he was sometimes still playing apart from the times he told me he had the one offs relapses.

Until Monday, I have set my tasks to identifying ways how to de-attach, what boundaries to create, what I want and how to live one day at a time while not beating myself up over and managing expectations for him, myself and us and a future that I feel that we cannot plan. 

Thanks all. I hope its okay but I guess I am using this post as a diary really but its working out better as sometimes the diary 'speaks back' 🙂 I don't expect replies because even typing it out is therapeutic but welcome any replies all the same.

I’m glad it helps when advice is offered. Beware the request for his savings.

I have control of our finances and I notice if my husband thinks about how much money there is he wants to spend it. He has a poor relationship with money and doesn’t see the needs of looking after the house or maintenance.

He has a card that you can’t go overdrawn or have credit on. I see all transactions and have all pass codes. He admits he can’t have money or control, that’s the fuel for his gambling.

Emphasise that this looking at finances is to help him, not control. His continuing to hide things creates suspicion. Accepting that you can’t stop him if he chooses to gamble is a huge part of your detachment.

 I would need written evidence of any suggestion of his savings paying his repayment plan.

Think about whether you want to oversee his finances and how he feels. Is he going to constantly be asking you to relinquish money or does he view it as necessary? Being open and honest is part of his recovery. Accepting defeat is as well. Financial transparency is part of this.

I can assure you I have been hoodwinked many times and I learnt the hard way. I do what is necessary to safeguard myself.