I have decided to jump in and journal a bit of my personal progress as Gamcare suggested. I have never had my own diary and not sure how much I will use it or if it is of help to anybody but writing things down can be therapeutic.
My son is the compulsive gambler in my life. He started when he was 18 and is currently 27. The last 9 years have been a roller coaster filled with lots of tears, screaming, threats, nasty nasty comments (from me in particular), cutting (on his part), trips to ememrgency for threats of suicide, stealing from us, pawning things from our home, numerous different therapists, moving out & then moving back in ... just generally very s**tty.
My CG son falls in the middle of the family... we have an older son and a younger daughter. This has touched (more like drop kicked) all of us. As the mom I felt this was my failing... How could I let this happen and then How come I can't fix this. The latter being the bane of my existence for almost 7 years. I got to the point that I knew nothing I said or did helped but I could just not help myself... what kind of mom can't help her kids?? How can I just sit back and watch while he was on a collision course with disaster?
I can't tell you how many "That was the last time mom, I'm done with gambling" I have heard and I believed every last one of them and so did my son as I've come to realize. Finally a friend suggested I try Gamanon. I had actually gone to a meeting when we first realized there was a problem. - 7 years prior. I didn't continue because to be honest i thought that we were somewhat unique and didn't belong with the rest of the people there (not one of my prouder moments) and also I was P*****d that I was told that I wasn't going to be able to change this. Now 7 years later we were all fast approaching rock bottom and I was ready to surrender... I give... I'm done. That was 2.5 years ago and I continually try to make myself a better person every day. I am the furthest thing you could find from a religious person and I have never felt anything but love and support from my group.
I like my son am not cured. This doesn't go away. My son started GA about 6 months after I started Gamanon but at the end of the day if he never found recovery or doesn't stay in recovery I still have a life that is meant to be lived to the best of my ability. It is definitely not easy some days but self care is the only way forward.
Family and Friends are the same as the gamblers- we get to where we need to when the time is right and not before.
Cathyx
I've followed your posts Cathy & I'm amazed @ your strength! Even if you don't use this much for you, it's important for us on the other side to know why we must never stop fighting. If people that we have hurt need to fight when they have done nothing wrong, we have no right to ever give up on ourselves!
It's lovely to finally have somewhere to come to say Hi to you...Hi π
Keep looking after you - ODAAT
Amom wrote:
I have decided to jump in and journal a bit of my personal progress as Gamcare suggested. I have never had my own diary and not sure how much I will use it or if it is of help to anybody but writing things down can be therapeutic.
My son is the compulsive gambler in my life. He started when he was 18 and is currently 27. The last 9 years have been a roller coaster filled with lots of tears, screaming, threats, nasty nasty comments (from me in particular), cutting (on his part), trips to ememrgency for threats of suicide, stealing from us, pawning things from our home, numerous different therapists, moving out & then moving back in ... just generally very s**tty.
My CG son falls in the middle of the family... we have an older son and a younger daughter. This has touched (more like drop kicked) all of us. As the mom I felt this was my failing... How could I let this happen and then How come I can't fix this. The latter being the bane of my existence for almost 7 years. I got to the point that I knew nothing I said or did helped but I could just not help myself... what kind of mom can't help her kids?? How can I just sit back and watch while he was on a collision course with disaster?
I can't tell you how many "That was the last time mom, I'm done with gambling" I have heard and I believed every last one of them and so did my son as I've come to realize. Finally a friend suggested I try Gamanon. I had actually gone to a meeting when we first realized there was a problem. - 7 years prior. I didn't continue because to be honest i thought that we were somewhat unique and didn't belong with the rest of the people there (not one of my prouder moments) and also I was P*****d that I was told that I wasn't going to be able to change this. Now 7 years later we were all fast approaching rock bottom and I was ready to surrender... I give... I'm done. That was 2.5 years ago and I continually try to make myself a better person every day. I am the furthest thing you could find from a religious person and I have never felt anything but love and support from my group.
I like my son am not cured. This doesn't go away. My son started GA about 6 months after I started Gamanon but at the end of the day if he never found recovery or doesn't stay in recovery I still have a life that is meant to be lived to the best of my ability. It is definitely not easy some days but self care is the only way forward.
Family and Friends are the same as the gamblers- we get to where we need to when the time is right and not before.
Cathyx
what an amazing post Cathy. thanks for sharing your continuing story of recovery. I hope to keep up that walk with you and thanks for the post on my diary. It meant a lot, thanks tri
Thanks for the support on my diary, its alwasy good to have somewhere to say thank you, i cant see any reason why keeping a regualr diary can not help you in the same way it helps me, i find its good to get the thoughts down in balck and white, they just seem to make more sense that way to me.
wishing you and yours all the best.
Morning Cathy , I just wanted to stop off and give my thanks for your kind words on my diary , they were much appreciated . I also wanted to add how nice it to see your posts popping up , as Odaat says it's nice that you have a base on here that you can call home and put down your thoughts and somewhere is CG's can come and visit . I wish you a happy day with love and best wishes coming your way xx
A late thank you for all the support you have given me.
Good to see you giving out support to other's to
Have a great weekend
As ever, thank you for your support Cathy π
In a way, I guess I'm lucky that I have it on my doorstep so to speak...Not because I can sympathise with her but because of the stark reminder of the damage it causes. I only ever made those 'never again' promises to myself, until 'now' coz I never had support & if it weren't for people like you giving your CG's your whole & still not getting anywhere, I may still be harbouring under the delusion that I could help her.
As you know, we are all responsible for our own journeys & just like you, I'm fighting for me - ODAAT
thanks again for the support Cathy. hows your son going? still attending GA regular? working the 12 step program? tri
Thanks for popping in Cath...
Hope things are going well for you and your son...
""Mum"" hardest job in the world !
Take care x
My son has been gamble free since January and continues to work a real recovery... not just abstinence. Though close to 9 months have passed it's amazing how quickly my mind still goes back to the fear and other feelings that go with a gambling addiction. Still every time I see his name pop up on my phone I panic. What does he want? Has he relapsed? I go straight to that place like Pavlovs dog and I hate it. It's not the thought of my son losing money that scares me its why is he so sad,frightened, lonely, fed up with life that the self punishment of losing everything in a casino seems like the answer.
As a mom I don't want to see him counting days but hanging on for dear life until the next crisis happens. I want to see him learning to like himself, learning to trust himself, learning to accept that he is good enough... I could give a s**t about his day count.
Hi Amom
Thank you for your post in the early hours...i noticed you posting late at night, is it part of stress about your son that keeps you awake?..sorry for the question..i just know how vital sleep is for all of us.
Wow...i can't believe this post didn't come from your Son. You truly understand the triggers of addiction and how our brains works. It's definitely not about day count..no..it's far more than just that. It's self discovery, acceptance, forgiveness and determination for a new life. New life without clutches. Getting familiar with the anxieties and vulnerabilities and dealing with them in different manner...loving ourselves for who we are and accepting support and care from others. ..i guess we all need that someone..it helps to share the pain and double the joy Π²ΒΡ
I am so happy for him and you. Try and stay calm, talk to him and hopefully he will keep opening up and letting you in in his life and emotions he might have.
You're an amazing person with huge heart..i can tell he is the same...keep believing, keep being there for him on good and bad. That is something important for everyone & not just CG.
Take care
S x
Thank you for your post amom,
Connection, honesty and laughter - key for the wellbeing Π²ΒΡ
Keep doing what you doing and take a good care of your good self.
Best wishes
S x
Hi amom,
Thank you so much for the link..it made me a lil emotional...your kindness is very appreciated.
Please never worry about me. I am always up & down, sometimes lows gets too deep but i always find the strength & clarity to fight on Π²ΒΡ
Keep looking after yourself and your lovely son. Every day is different, but the way we deal with a lil tougher ones matters the most. You're great person carrying so much on your shoulders...you should be proud, the strength you carry is admirable.
Hope your weekend was calm and peaceful.
Have a lovely week ahead Π²ΒΡ
Sandra x
Hi amom,
Thank you for your kind message, i did get a lil low last night but propped myself up again with your & my friends help Π²ΒΡ
Got a lil video for you as remember you're from Canada..this makes me smile & a good friend of mine lives there also and we did laugh about it last year...
Here is a beaver π ....welcome to Canada
Also, another friend from over the pond asked the q about Canadian dollar..i cannot remember the answer so shall ask again if i may.. does it smell of maple syrup if you rub the leaf printed on the note?
Ya see, i am all calm and at peace..maybe a side of me you have never seen before, but i do smile when i feel it Π²ΒΡ
Look after yourself & hope all is well with your lil one
S x
As ever Cathy, thanks for your kind message π
It always seems to me that you loved ones have a much better grip on what recovery entails even though we chose it & 'you' get forced into it.
I completely understand the fear of the phone & although I'm still not ready to accept I was all those things & more whilst active, I know my mum is running from her pain. Don't despair if he is counting days 'still' (it certainly was a valuable tool for me), as he works his recovery, hopefully he will get stronger & stronger until he finds & accepts all those things you wish for him & the counting no longer feels important. You know you are there for him just as you always have been & always will be - ODAAT
We are available 24 hours a day, every day of the year. You can also contact us for free on 0808 80 20 133. If you would like to find out more about the service before you start, including information on confidentiality, please click below. Call recordings and chat transcripts are saved for 28 days for quality assurance.
