hi everyone I’m new here and so thankful I found this group. I honestly didn’t realise how many ppl are suffering because of a loved ones gambling and lies.. so here’s my story..
we’ve been together 20years and my partner has always gambled not massive amounts well,that I know of! It’s gradually got worse over the years and I’ve pleading and cried for him to stop when times have been tough. I thought he had finally woke up about 7 years when he left our boys then aged 5 and 9 in the car while he ‘nipped’into the betting shop. I was at work so I wouldn’t of ever know but he broke down when I got in and actually told me the truth! … he had left them for over an hour and a lady called the police luckily he came back to the car when they’d just turned up but only got a slap on the wrist! I think the only reason he told me is because the policeman sed I will have to log it with social services…and he knew I’d find out.it turns out no one ever got in touch with me about the incident.He told me that this was his wake up call and barred himself from betting shops.. but it didn’t last and he started with online football betting. Over the years it’s been a few £100 every couple months when he’s had a binge of bets and then lies through his back teeth to get out of it and I’ve been stupid enough to take it every time over and over again. Fast forward to recently his temper is vile he has no interest in anything and is generally void of any emotion unless it’s to do with gambling. We had a big heart to heart after the last big fight over it and he promised me things were going to be different for good this time! I told him we needed counselling and no more lying!! He was convincing as usually and we tried again… but here I am again broken-hearted,angry,embarrassed and mad at myself for been so stupid and trusting again. He even had the cheek to kick off with me when I question what and where he’s been and says I need to trust him!!! How the hell can I after all the c**P he gave me about stopping! Anyway last week he has lied yet again and I really can’t take it anymore… he convinced me the car needed a service and I asked my mum for the £400 ( yup I don’t drive or know anything about cars and he told me that what a service costs) but I later found out it was only £179 anyway we went to the caravan for a mini break and he kept checking the football scores I sed why do that if you’re not betting ? If I was on a diet I wouldn’t spend my days standing at a sweet shop looking at sweets??! I sed you need to know your triggers and your not helping yourself by doing that! I just had a gut feeling something wasn’t right so at 12.30am when we were going to bed I asked him if he had a receipt for the service .. he sed no you don’t get a receipt!! Does he really think I’m that stupid!!! He’s the type that would want prove he bought a cupcake so I knew straightaway that there was no service and he had wanted the money to bet! Or replace what he had lost!! He went mental calling me mad,nuts … crazy and why couldn’t I ever trust him.. I was a c**P girlfriend.. I speak to him like dirt! Blah blah blah! So he stormed out and left me in the van and drove the two hours home! He’s now admitted he lied it spiralled out of control and he couldn’t tell me the truth cos he didn’t want to hurt me!!?? Too late!! I’m cut into a 1000 pieces I’m worn out physically and mentally by the lies and deceit from years and years. He can’t move out because he has no money to go someone else and he also takes me to work two nights a week and I love and need my job! So here we are ..stuck ! I can’t bear to look at him I’m beyond hurt and what’s really hurt is that he has just accepted it. He just sed ok if that’s what you want?? He’s absolutely fine about losing his family… and even blamed me for not taking his bank card off him because I should of know it was the premierships last week!!?!? I’m not his mum and I want a partner to care for me!! I feel like I’ve got another kid!! I don’t want to be responsible for everything I’m sick of coping on my own.. I’ve rather go it alone than constantly looking over my shoulder with him . I’m so sorry for the long post… it just all came out.. I’m so embarrassed and talk to my loved ones about it all as I feel like I am crazy and a mug for putting up with it. Any advice on getting on with me and my boys lives? Xxx
Hello @leeslies,
So sorry that you are going through such a tough time. The effects of gambling are very hard on family. You're not alone. You will get advice and support on this forum from people who can relate to your situation.
It does sound like your husband has a serious issue with gambling. The mood swings, defensiveness, constantly checking his phone all point to this. Don't blame yourself. Gamblers can be really manipulative and adept at twisting the truth to get money. It is a progressive addiction which gets worse over time and can alter the way an addict thinks. Your partner needs to be fully committed to stopping and it doesn't sound like he's at that stage yet.
Whatever you decide to do about your relationship, you need to take care of yourself and your children. Try to secure any finances that you have. Advisers on here may be able to point you in the right direction, or you could contact someone like Citizens Advice. There is also access to counselling for you through here if you feel that would help and friends and family chatrooms.
Take care and keep posting. Wishing you all the very best.
J
Hi @leeslies,
Thank you for sharing your story on the forum, and as I’m sure you will find out, there is lots of advice, support and encouragement to help you through this.
Firstly, I am really sorry you are going through this and your partner's behaviours and actions are unacceptable. Gambling addiction is very complex and sometimes difficult to understand, however it seems like he is in complete denial about it and is projecting his anger, frustration and moods onto you, which is completely unfair.
It seems like he is in the grip of this addiction and is becoming very manipulative. Only he can make the commitment, ownership and desire to get help for himself, that step must come from him, you can only do so much. Until that time, it is important to ensure your own wellbeing is looked after.
If you haven't already, could I suggest that you contact the GamCare Helpline on 0808 8020 133 or Netline to explore the additional support that is available to you. We are available 24 hours a day, 7 days a week if you would like to talk to one of the GamCare HelpLine advisers. We can look at one to one support along with putting you in touch with some other external organisations, you are not alone.
Wishing you all the very best,
Regards
Dan
Forum Admin
Hello LL and Welcome.
you are in the right place for information and advice.
Its very difficult to give you the words you want to hear. The reaction from your loved ones would be a natural reaction to the news you have.
Yes you must be exhausted and highly stressed. You have some decisions to make if the relationship is worth saving.
The trusted advice is that you must protect yourself financially and get as much moral support from family and friends so you can seek some peace of mind to make decisions calmly and correctly.
He sounds highly addicted and you can not be a shrinking violet about this. If its safe to do so he needs to be told that gambling is not acceptable to you.
We are not relationship counsellors but we know all about teh dangers of a gambling addiction. It was never something you could allow him to do. Its actually a drug addiction and progressive mental illness.
Its no game about a silly flutter and you have seen the results and the misery. I am aware that he will have manipulated you because its an all powerful addiction.
Its not your fault so please dont be hard on yourself. You may need some space away. Do you feel really stuck because it limits your options to give him reality checks.
Im afraid one of those reality checks is that he may lose you and family life with the kids.
If he doesnt wake up to reality he will carry on gambling. The addiction is so strong that he will get angry and belittle you. It takes over the mind and makes addicts manipulators seeking a fix. His addiction will just see you as a threat because its controlling his mind just like if he was on hard drugs
Can you speak to you mum for example? Forgive me but you write as if there is no way forward and I understand your confusion. There comes a point where you mental health and peace of mind is way more important than your job or where you are living now.....do you understand that?
Please keep in touch with the forum and choose your moments when you have built strength through knowledge and advice
Best wishes from everyone on the forum
Hi everyone Thankyou so much for all of you taking time to reply to me.. we own our home so that is a massive worry .. but he told me yday via txt that he’s gave up for ‘him’this time. I believe he will for a while... but not for long he’s stopped loads of times in the past but started again so I have absolutely no faith or trust now.. We have no choice but to carry on living together at the minute and so far we’ve just kept out of each other way..although I get the impression he seems quite happy with this cos he doesn’t like change and upheaval so he’s got a win win situation staying in the family home but with no one to get at him to do jobs or go places so he’s very happy I think..I’ve took my old iPad from him and he only has an old iPhone 4 so hoping that will curb the online addiction but I realise he would find a way if he could or wants to. The more I sit thinking about it the madder I get for putting up with it… he’s only started to contribute to christmas presents in the last 2/3 years I bought everything before that.. I can honestly say the only things in the house that he’s bought in 20 yrs is a sofa and a single bed for our eldest these were only bought after one of his betting sprees and he probably felt guilty. I sort and pay all the household bills he pays only the council tax and water And also £150 toward the mortgage ( it’s £400) he works full time I work part time !!! He’s had me for such a fool but always managing to make out he had other stuff to pay. Sorry I’m rambling again .. I think this time I’m so hurt because he’s just took it and shrugged when I sed I’d had enough. He never fights for me or even make it look like hes bothered. He just says ok if that’s what you want! Then if he sees me upset he will say… well you know this IS what you wanted! Why aren’t you happy now! I’m just so tired n want a normal life.. I do have my mum and niece and nephew who I’m really very close to and I get lots of support from them. I do worry about my kids they have unfortunately heard the row and know that dad gambles… they are 16 and 11 so not babies but not old enough to deal with his problems either . I have a very close relationship with them they come to me for everything and never ask dad cos ‘he’s grumpy and won’t let us’
its just a very sad and lonely time and I feel like I’ve wasted so many years been lied too x Thankyou for listening I really do appreciate this forum I’m so glad I found it! Xx
Yes I hear you, Its good to talk and get it all out.
However he will get into a comfort zone where he feels you wont challenge him or his addiction. Im not saying he is inherently bad. Im saying that as an addict he cant really help himself until truly ready to have a born again moment
It seems he is not paying his way...Is he?
I know its difficult but the gambling must stop or you will have no security or peace of mind. I have seen similar stories so many times so you are not alone in this.
Its a highly dangerous addiction and progressive illness. If he has been using computers and phones then he cant have them.
You have to realise he needs tough love and monitoring. You need your eyes open now and you cant be a shrinking violet about this. Its not something casual you can allow him to do and I think you know that now
Things like owning your home may make you wary of change. I understand how you can feel trapped wanting a stable life for the kids and a roof but I feel you have to bring all these issues up with him.
Yes I know its easy for me to say but you need some idea of what he has thrown away. You may not be aware of all the gambling he does or debts he has. He seems far from a happy person with a serious addiction
I feel for you. Its not your fault and you will need plenty of advice and support. We are not relationship counsellors but you a clearly far from happy
Please ring Gamcare again for the one to one voice and more advice. With strong family support you have some decisions to make
Best wishes
Hi
The latest is he’s been a talker.. or emotionally so I feel like I’m hitting a brick wall and to be fair .. I feel like whatever he says now its going to go in cos I don’t believe a word that comes out of him now. Reading other ppls stories on here has helped a lot, I’m by reading thru them and thinking wow that’s what he does and that’s exactly what he says to get out of stuff! Liars obviously think alike. Hes never been one for going out but since I told him I’m done and I’m sick of the lies and deceit he’s started to go out on a night.. not really dressed up but will stay out 5pm til 10ish … my worry is that if he’s in a pub there’s slot machines…. That scares me but he is now on that mindset ..’what do you want me to do ? You finished it this is what you wanted? In other words… you’ve caused this!! Obviously I know that’s not true but it’s yet another manipulative tactic to get me to do what I’ve done in the past. I end up crying and he says this then says.. look I love my family if you can give me one more chance to make it up to you I will! I fall for it every time because I care and I want the pain to go away. It’s absolutely a trauma bond and bloody hard to break when your still living together. I’m going ring gamcare Monday when I’ve sorted the kids back at school and I’m calmer. Thanks again for reading and listening to me babbling it’s helping to write down my feelings. Xx
I know exactly how you feel. And when you mentioned how little he contributes financially, my husband is the same!! I literally used to buy all the kids clothes, toys etc. He never showed an interest in buying anything for them. I also paid for all our holidays. Now I am not working so I have stopped paying for these things. You definitely need to take a step back from contributing so much financially. The more money he gets to keep to himself from his wages, the more he will gamble away. I have learnt this the hard way...I thought I was helping my husband by reducing the amount of money stresses he had but in fact what I was doing was making sure he had more money to spend on his betting ?
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