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I’m broken and it don’t stop :-(  

 
Samantha19855
(@samantha19855)

Hello, 

I am new here, I have been with my partner now for 3 and half years, and he is in the army (been in service for 18 years). When I first met him, it took him 5 months to tell me he was bankrupt , because he liked a bet - I’m talking sold his home, cars, motorbike, watches - wasn’t paying his child maintenance, was barely seeing his son, but you see I had met this guy and we clicked, and I wanted to help him (knowing nothing of how serious addiction really was at the time ) - guess I was a bit blind sided by meeting this new guy etc! Looking back now, I should of know how serious it was to have lost all that and be where he was ! But I wanted to help him! So we started with him agreeing to have his wage paid into my account and I gave him money for fuel etc as and when he needed it! Got his relationship with his son back on track, agreed to sort his child maintenance out, so when he was paid I would transfer it to his ex partner! This worked, well I thought it did ! He then went away with work over seas for training for 6 weeks ... when he came back it started, he asked for some money to get some Xmas shopping , I stupidly gave it to him as I felt he wanted to get me something without me knowing! So I gave him some money, he gambled that , and then borrowed from his dad , at the time I didn’t know - he borrowed money from his best mate(-again I didn’t know), then asked hun mum (again I didn’t know at the time )! Then a week later, he showed me he had a bill to pay at work and could I help him as he would get in lots of trouble , so I did - but again he told his mum the same story and his dad! (I still hadn’t found out just yet) Then just after Xmas before he went back to work, he was trying to log onto my phone on the banking app! He said he wanted to look at the accounts, I said why would you not ask me I would of sent you the screen shots so he felt comfortable and could see his money ! Anyway he then told me he needed 1500 of his money !!!! Well at this point I new , alarm bells are ringing!!!! 
I said NO, but he needed to tell me what was going on!!! He didn’t - he walked out etc! Then phoned me , told me I need to transfer this money! I said I’m not as it will leave us to not be able to pay the bills etc?, he then admitted what he had done he had taken some money from work and needed to give it back, but I told him I couldn’t hand the money over as we needed it for our roof and bills for us and the kids ( I have a daughter )! So I told him , he needed to tell me what’s going on !! So he did , I then went through his bank account that night - to find out all the other things I mentioned above , the lies !! I was so upset , but I wanted him to get better - so I went to his mum and stepdad and also his dad and spoke to all his friends about lending him money ( I forgot to mention he owed Most his friends money ) which I kept finding out ! He has taken over the years and cash for the kids birthdays etc ! Bullied me for the money in the account, tells me I treat him like a kid , he is an adult and needs to see his money ! I managed to get him a couple of times to GA, told me he don’t like that talking in front of groups and it’s not for him , told me councilling is not helping ( but you only get out what you put in) ! So I knew in that moment he is not being straight ! Told me many times in arguments that he will never talk! The army have no idea, only about the bankruptcy! As he knows if he talks to them he could be punished in a way that could put his job at risk! His too proud - I see that in him!

He has told me over the years that I can’t talk about this to anyone as it’s not my business to talk about, however as time has passed I have opened up to a couple of friends and my sister, as I’m broken and I suffer with anxiety, so I know I have to talk? He has found this out and told me he lost respect for me , but I told him I wasn’t there to s**g him off, I need to talk about me not him - and how this is affecting me !! He has been given money from work to buy things and then gambles it, then expects me to help him! Any little money he has , he somewhere somehow manages to gamble it! Fact of the matter is, he hasn’t stopped since we have been together , just the amounts have been smaller! I go councelling with him on and off, I have begged him too get help , change, I cry every day !! And he don’t see through it ! I ask him to give me space, he don’t listen! He twists and turns everything I say and manipulates my words ! It’s so odd, if he knows I spend on my credit card ( which I only have a small balance on ) he moans at me , if I buy the kids treats or c**P he has a pop at me for wasting money ! But I can’t have any respect for him when he says all that , as I think how can he be like that with me about spending when. So many months and times I carry him ! I feel suffocated, I can’t breathe like he don’t care what it’s done to me and us ! Last week I found out he gambles over 1500 over Xmas borrowed from a mate(who I told what was going on ) but his mate said he will always help his friend if he needs it! Then took more money again from work! I just feel like history is repeating it self ! 
Honestly, I have wrote so much - there is so much more aswell !

I don’t know what else to do anymore , I have tried everything to work ! But now it’s really hard as I’m angry, and I can’t have any respect for him as he has hurt me so much and can’t see that! He just wants to carry on as normal and hope it goes away, but I can’t , I’m broken , angry hurt and I can’t hide that anymore 🙁 it’s damaged us so much ! 
I have asked him for some space, so I can cool down, think of my daughter, get a straighter head - but he don’t let me breathe 🙁 told me he won’t do space as he won’t come back! 
If he goes I’m worried what he will do with his money, where he will go! 
I have reached out to his family, but his done this to his mum for years and she is really hurt , and now she is upset his doing it to me ! His dad and stepdad have tried to help, but he only lets them in a little! He says it’s because he don’t want people to know his private life , I think it’s denial and pride ! 

I don’t know what to do anymore ! I just feel so much anger towards him for allowing it to get this bad 🙁 and when I do say something he wants to look at my faults and almost blame me 🙁 I’m stuck wnd I’m hurt, and I don’t know what to do 🙁 

 

Sorry for the long message , I needed to rant and talk to someone who maybe able to help me 

Quote
Posted : 18th January 2021 8:01 am
Chris.UK
(@chris-uk)

@samantha19855 It sounds like you've tried to do everything to help him and he's still in denial and doesn't want help.

Some hard facts for you. He will not change until he decides he has had enough. 

I have a saying. Find a reason to do something rather than an excuse not to. With your partner it sounds like he is making excuses not to help himself. The army now have people who can help deal with these problems. There are outside companies who go to the Army and do talks and show all the support that is available. I know people through GA who are in the army and are getting help.

As for being proud, it's false pride. He's not too proud to borrow money but he's proud to get help. I've been there and it was false pride that kept me from getting help. I couldn't until there was no where left to go.

But, and I think this is more inportant, this is about you. You need to look after yourself. As a compulsive gambler, we always think that our partners will never leave us, if we promise enough we can get through the tears and that big win will make everything okay.

After ten years, some of which were gamble free and good, my wife finally had enough of my gambling and the fact that in a £100,000 income household we couldn't afford to pay the bills or pay for food (and had two young kids) she decided that she had enough. I used to hear her crying at night, it broke my heart but still I couldn't stop. This addiction was bigger than her or my children. I feel bad saying it but it's the honest truth. It wasn't her fault, I just couldn't stop. Her and the children were more important to her and she left. It didn't make me stop, I had to stop for myself. As bad as it was her leaving, it wasn't a rock bottom moment.

My point is she finally looked after herself. She is happy now, the kids are happy. You need to protect you and your children and if he doesn't want the help then look after yourself.

There is an organisation called Gam-Anon which is for the partners and people affected by compulsive gambling. They have been through what you are going through and will be able to help. You could give the Gamcare advisers a call too, I'm sorry but I don't know what they offer for partners, someone else can fill you in on that.

This life is too short to waste too much time pushing water uphill. Do what is right for you. I can't tell you what that is but you'll know in your heart.

Chris.

ReplyQuote
Posted : 18th January 2021 1:33 pm
Joydivider
(@joydivider)

Hi Samantha19855 and welcome.

You will need to take a few deep breaths and start building up a support network to look at this in a whole new way. I understand that is more than enough for anybody to be going through and why you feel broken.

You need to start protecting yourself and your children financially straight away...the roof over your head and food on your table must be a priority not reliant on anybody else. You were right not to give him any money and you should not do that....no bailouts! no loans!...no nothing!

He lives on a petrol/sandwich allowance from his own money or he clears off and sorts himself out...Understand?

He needs to be fully ready for help or he wont change. It seems he is giving up on the things he needs to be doing

I dont know your relationship but you can not let this be a blind love. Its not your fault and he seems to be controlling an manipulating you under the influence of a heavy addiction.

A gambling addiction is a highly dangerous drug addiction...it shreds relationships for breakfast and destroys people....you dont need that in your life and nobody is judging you for the decisions you have to make.

He needs carefully worded ultimatums if it is safe for you to do that because he needs reality that you arent going to put up with it any more.

You need the information and a support network from all the people he has been borrowing from because the truth must be gathered and written down.

A gambling addiction is an illness and split mind disorder often linked to depression worthlessness and anxiety...he needs help amd he needs reality checks.

Nobody would blame you for wanting some space. You can only help him from a position of strength and knowledge...when he cant affect 1 penny of your money he may begin to see the light that you are the only importnat thing he has.

Im not saying he is an inherently bad person but he is an addict and he is ill. He will drag you down to the pits of hell if you allow him he doesnt sort this out! NOBODY should be lending him money because it enables him to gamble.

To an extent he needs to learn that gambling is a one way ticket to the streets and the soup kitchen...when is his rock bottom moment because he has had it too easy manipulating the people around him

Take it easy...phone gamcare again as many times as you want and start to learn about what you are dealing with and what you must do

Best wishes from everyone on the forum

ReplyQuote
Posted : 18th January 2021 7:40 pm
klamm
(@klamm)

you have put up with a lot . I admire your strength. 

ReplyQuote
Posted : 19th January 2021 5:27 am
Samantha19855
(@samantha19855)

Hello, 

Thank you for replying to me! Honestly, it’s so hard!
We had a councilling session last night, and she tells him that she isn’t enough, and that She can hear in my voice I am close to reaching my limit! I know in my heart he has to of had enough and I know he has to want it, and I can’t do no more ! 

It is so sad, I hope he can somewhere and somehow see one day, as I don’t want him to hit rock bottom- but his heading that way ! 

I have access to the money , it’s paid into an account with my name on it! I pay the bills and put food on the table he don’t have access to any of it! He just gambles everything I give him for anything! I tried receipts , allowances Proof etc ... all in the past - he ends up bullying me for the money saying he can’t handle being controlled and treated like a kid, and as I suffer from anxiety I have given in! Totally wrong 😑 I have enabled him etc!  As he would push so much about the money until I would have a panic attack !

I look after me and the kids , I take all the money we need to keep the roof over our heads ! I work full time too , so I know I can look after ourselves too! 

Last night he was looking at GameStop and blocking, I also sent him information on blocking the gambling sites on his bank card etc ! 

I wish I wasn’t a nag , and I wish this wasn’t destroying us ! 

Our councillor spoke to us about a 28 day rehab session , which they do now which is all online check ins around life and your jobs so no ones has to know etc .. I am hoping he will look at that , as she said they are not expensive! I can’t keep looking at everything to help him, as he has to want to do it! 

anyway there were some options for him, and it’s a case of watch this space - when we got home he didn’t really say too much last night, so I’m not sure where his head is at! But I can’t keep pushing him to talk and do stuff ! 

I just now need to make sure we are ok and the kids and see what happens 🙁 

I am really hoping for a positive outcome ! 

Thank you for listening to me 

Sam 

 

 

ReplyQuote
Posted : 20th January 2021 8:31 am
Forum admin
(@forum-admin)
Admin

Hello   Samantha19855

Sorry to hear that you have been dealing with this situation , I know it can be really upsetting and frustrating as an affected other going through this .

There's loads of support available for you and and anyone affected by this , and you are certainly never alone .  You can contact us anytime on 0808 8020 133 or via our website on our Netline service.

Its never your fault so don't put any blame on yourself for any of this and hindsight is very different to what was going on for you at the time.  You have the right to feel safe emotionally and financially and this is not your burden . 

The feelings that you have described are very common , such as feeling suffocated and weighed down by the whole experience . It's hard but it's so important that you but all of your energy into supporting yourself and your own self care so that you can be at your strongest to deal with this. 

Please continue to reach out and process all of your thoughts and feelings as this really does help .

Take care 

Kirk 

Forum Admin 

 

 

 

 

 

 

ReplyQuote
Posted : 20th January 2021 11:17 am
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