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I think my husband is gambling again  

 
Fi85
 Fi85
(@fi85)

I posted on here, it turns out 3 years ago (where does the time go?!). I had just found out that my husband had a gambling problem, luckily my gut instinct and detective skills led me to question him before he had amassed a lot of debt (it was actually a lot for him by himself as I earn a lot more than him which in general I'm happy to share but not to repay gambling debt). Anyhoo, since the initial confession he slipped up abt 10/11 months later, I found a betting slip in his wallet (once a detective always a detective). We spoke abt it and he took the GA sessions a lot more seriously and was doing really well. Now, the past month or so I've noticed his emotions/temperament being up and down - the kids wind him up quite easily. Just those gut feelings you get when something isn't quite right. So I've started looking at his phone history and noticed the other day w**********l in it. Then tonight I literally just unlocked his phone and it was on some betting odds website. As he wasn't still logged into anything I can't see for sure that he has gambled but I can't see any other reason he would be on these sites. I really struggle to confront him with things without hard proof. He's not a talker (unless it's something he's interested in). I did broach the subject of the GA meetings and if he was missing them and we had a chat about them and I mentioned how it was great IF he was doing OK without having been to any throughout Covid  - trying to give him an opportunity to speak up. But nothing. I know i need to come straight out and ask him but I almost feel like i don't care. The initial gambling basically ruined our relationship because i thought he wasn't interested in me anymore, turns out he was too busy checking his bets on nights out etc but I feel like I've never been able to connect back with him since then. Such a ramble this post but just getting everything out of my head! If you managed to the end then thanks for listening/ reading! 

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Posted : 17th October 2020 12:46 am
Merry go round
(@merry-go-round)

Hi Fi85 

this is sometimes very hard to accept, but it doesn’t matter what you do or say if he chooses to gamble he will.

It’s not your job to be a detective. Your gut instinct is right, so if you can’t control his actions what can you do?

You say that financially there is no worries because you earn enough. The problem is that it isn’t about money, it’s about habit and mental health. While you pay for normal living expenses he has no need to contribute. You both see his money as his to gamble with. Making life comfortable for a compulsive gambler allows them to continue. If you want him to change you have to change yourself. Change your behaviour and reactions.

A compulsive gambler takes no responsibility and if you manage financially without his contribution he has no reason to.

You both need to change, you both need help and support. There is gamcare support on here  and online chat, phone support. There is gamanon website for f&f.

GA has been online, zoom meetings all over the world anytime of day. So not going online is an excuse. Not gambling one day at a time, needs support and contact with others. A compulsive gambler needs to find new ways to fill the void, new healthy pastimes.

Practical things you can do are to encourage him to seek support, credit reports, secure yourself financially. Sign up to gamstop in your name and his. Don’t keep secrets, don’t hide the problem.

 

ReplyQuote
Posted : 17th October 2020 8:11 am
Joe-90
(@joe-90)

Hi Fi85,

Sounds like you need support yourself also nas it seems you are just going through the motions with this thing. If he is taking his addiction seriously (which is does not given his behaviour) I am wondering what barriers he has put in place to help himself. 

I will give you an example of my situation, I have a bank account as does my partner and we also have a joint account that bills etc get paid out from. My wages go into this account, hers remain in her own account. She has both accounts on her app and can see every transaction I make as I never use cash to avoid the temptation. I have registered with Gamcare so I can no longer bet online and self excluded from betting shops (I did both in her presence as an addicts word is not to be trusted). She also has access to my emails, my credit score account (she can see any debt in my name  or any credit cards etc I applied for). 

All the above may seem overkill but it is necessary when living with an addict, so there should be no detective work needed if he is an open book so to speak. You should look up GamAnon where you could speak to others in the same situation as you and you will get great support and advice their virtual meetings.

Keep posting on here, I wish you well

ReplyQuote
Posted : 22nd October 2020 9:42 am
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