I really need advice

Hello @alexa686,

Welcome to the forum.

Thank you for sharing your experience, it sounds like things have been tough for you lately. When you have a partner who is a problem gambler, it’s so important that you have support for yourself. As your post suggests, it can be extremely stressful trying to do everything right to take care of your partner’s needs while trying to process and cope with the loss of trust and all the other feelings around having been lied to.

I would only be able to offer general guidance given the information you have provided. My top suggestion is that you get in touch with one of our advisers on the Helpline 0808 8020 133 or Netline (our webchat facility) www.gamcare.org.uk/get-support/talk-to-us-now, to talk through the specifics of your situation and receive tailored support and advice. You can discuss the whole situation in depth and the adviser will help you to process the situation and can signpost you to other relevant agencies. The interpersonal issues that arise with problem gambling can be difficult to heal and move on from, so free 1-to-1 treatment is available to you also. As someone affected by problem gambling, we are here for you.

I also encourage you to get your partner to contact us himself to talk to an adviser for support and to go through tools, strategies, and treatment options.

I hope you find the forum a useful source of peer support. You may also wish to read about or attend meetings with GamAnon, who offer group peer support for friends and families of problem gamblers:

www.gamanon.org.uk

It sounds like you have been doing the right things to support your partner through a very concerning time. Please make sure that you’re taking care of yourself as well. You need to have time and space for yourself to recharge (at least a little) from the myriad emotions and being the caretaker. Your needs are just as important.

All the best,

Elizabeth
Forum Admin

Hi Alexa,

I am a compulsive gambler. Am real sorry to hear of the situation in which you both find yourself. I am not familiar with day trading but I am familiar with the gamblers mindset. I must admit that when I read posts from partners I often feel the anger towards the gambler (even though I am one myself) but in this case I don't even though what he has done is clearly very irresponsible both to you and to himself.

My gut instinct is that because he is at or is close to rock bottom he probably won't carry on gambling unless he feels "all hope is lost" and then he may gamble, just for the sake of gambling and to switch off from the reality in which he finds himself.

The thing is he maybe the most kind and caring person BUT addiction is very powerful you see, the anticipation of the win can be very intoxicating, so in that sense you do need to protect the finances so that what needs to be paid does get paid and that your own personal money doesn't disappear off to the stock market as well. I think my point is this... gambling is the only addiction where further gambling can seem like the solution as well as the problem... you can't say that about any other addiction. Inside your husband probably wants to "fix" the problem "get the money back", "make everything better"... and his addiction tells him that he can do it by further gambling, day trading in his case. That's why the debts have got so large. Its the chase and then its the desparation. You might want to google "action gambling" or "escape gambling" and have a read of the personality profiles and the progressive nature of gambling addiction in order to fully get your head around what has happened. Strangely enough it is often, mature, responsible and highly intelligent people that get sucked into gambling and sometimes it is the intelligence that allows the person to cover there tracks for so long.... 

The husband you know and love can return to a normal way of thinking and being and without all the lies and dishonesty but it will take time. Am sure others will offer you more thoughts and advice. Read lots, self-protection, get your own talking support. 

All the best moving forward.

NLP worked for me. It kind of got me thinking in a much more constructive way about my life and problems. I can fully understand your concerns about this. How can you ever trust someone who has betrayed that trust? Well if you love this man you have to get on with living and that means giving it a chance. Hypnosis and NLP worked for me. I know and accept that I will always be living with an impulse control disorder. Do I feel guilty for that? Not any more but I used to. Guilt is something we have programed from an early age to tackle a lot of things but it can also be very destructive. Try and get your man bussy with things and create a plan. People need plans to get on. Having a broad direction just gets us lost and that kicks off "other things". 

Good luck!

Hi Alexa686,

Sorry to hear of your difficult situation. You will find everyone's past and recovery very individual but would like to share mine with you. 

My gambling problems began when I was about 10yrs old by playing slots on coastal holidays.

I was deeply emotionally unhappy during my childhood due to having a non existent father due to my parents separating, a stepdad who was extremely controlling, critical and angry and a mum who was working lots to make ends meet. This combination left me with deep unhappiness alongside fear, anxieties and insecurities.

When we went to the seaside and gambled it brought me relief from my daily mental distress (escapism and euphoria from rare wins). My gambling continued for the next 23yrs progressively getting worse. I was constantly trying to chase the original high I got when I first started but the longer i gambled the more desensitized I became to it.

In those 23yrs I tried 100's of times to stop and did manage for short periods by implementing blocks, keeping busy but it never lasted and quite often I just picked up some other obsession that would increase the dopamine levels in my brain.

In Dec 2009 I realised that my gambling was rooted in an emotional problem and that the gambling was only the symptom. I decided to make a massive decision to get mental health help by letting down all my defences and face the real issues. With the help of a trusted counsellor I slowly learnt the skill of emotional literacy and gradually took an in-depth look at my developmental years. It was suggested that I'd gone through a dysfunctional childhood and I'd internalized my emotions due to having role models who weren't emotionally developed and didn't allow me the ability to release mine.

This work was incredibly slow and painful but I was assured by my counsellor that by re-living my past and allowing myself to release what I felt back then that I would cope alot better and wouldn't need destructive coping behaviours. I did alot of crying, screaming, shouting, writing letters to put the blame back where it belonged. I didn't give anyone letters as it was just a exercise to release my internal suffering.

My counsellor explained to me that as human beings we have an emotional cup that has a limited capacity and that when we don't have the skills/ability to release emotions they build up and lead to an overflow. This explained why I had an extremely low tolerance/patience with life events/people. 

Since the beginning of my emotional recovery journey in 2009 I've not banned myself from anywhere and have access to money. I wouldn't have had any chance of stopping without the blocks if I hadn't had done the deep emotional work because the need to gamble would still be present. 

I still look back in amazement that the character I had become was so driven by my past.

What I needed was unconditional love, approval, validation, attention and most of all emotional literacy. I was brought up with role models who were highly critical, always busy, controlling, angry and had no control over their emotions. Not surprisingly I became someone who was fearful, anxious, insecure and very volatile.

I'm blessed to have been on such a journey. 

Thank you for reading. 

Posted by: Alexa686

Hi,

   I am new to all of this and need advice.  My husband who hasn't been himself the last two years came to me and told me about his gambling problem specifically day trading.  I now understand why he has been so withdrawn and depressed the past 2 years. He was suicidal and admitted to loosing about 90k (probably more) and lying about it. He claims he is a flawed human being that doesn't deserve me or anything else. He is struggling with self hatred and depression, he cannot forgive himself. He has changed alot since he told me being more present, helping me around the house and engaging in our life. He handed over his credit cards and gave me complete control of our finances which I know was difficult for him given how controlling he was with it. He tells me he hit rock bottom and will never do this again. I could barely get him out of bed the first few days and was worried about him taking his own life luckily I was off to watch him and get him some immediate help.  He then came up with an action plan to tackle the debt and has gone to online meetings as well as journaling. He is still struggling with depression and I worry about his mental state despite the progress he has made. My question is, when he tells me he will stop should I believe him? He did lie to me for a long time and I do not trust him. Can someone just stop or be "scared strainght" ? He still has access to our accounts although i monitor it several times a day but is this a mistake? Do i need to completely remove him ? I love him and i want to support him through his but I'm not sure I'm handling things properly. I'm still trying to process the debt and how he could lie to me for so long.  I'm being led by my heart in wanting to help him as my heart brakes for him in this mental state he is struggling with however I know I still need to protection myself . He is not interested in going to GA meetings but wants to do counseling.  I understand him not wanting to go to the meetings with his job and profession, it is not an option. Should I insist on something else? Im still in complete shock as this behavior and dishonesty is completely out of character for him and this is so unsettling for me as I do not understand.  He has always been so responsible and reliable. I dont know what to do and I'm sure I'm not thinking straight. I would sure appreciate any help at all:) 

In terms of practical advice...

1)  Tackling the debt is only part of the solution. In most cases, the debt is a symptom of destructive behaviour.

2) He should remove access himself.

3) There is always an excuse not to try GA. Don't accept excuses. GA and AA always have members who are solicitors, Doctors and accountants. The excuses range from;

what if someone knows me. 

My job or profession.

I will have nothing in common with people addicted to slots / horses / FBOTS etc. My addiction is superior.

Something about God / religion / higher power.

Hi Alexa686

Its very good that he has told you...VITAL infact even though it must have been hard for him and shocking for you.

He has a drug addiction called a gambling addiction. It doesnt mean he is a bad person. 

A person doesnt snap out of this one...They HEAL out of it over time.

For his own sake and yours you can not trust him abut that is a positive thing to build on in recovery. You will need control of ALL finances and he will in time feel the serenity and pure relief to be getting help. Living on a sandwich allowance is essential for him and if he is truly ready for a born again moment he wont grumble in the slightest about this.

HE SHOULD HAVE NO SERIOUS ACCESS TO ANY MONEY! clear? NO ACCESS TO ACCOUNTS which should be controlled entirely by you. Its not about treating him like a baby...its about saving his life and any quality of life you have

You will both need help and a support network. I would advise you take  him to a GA meeting after you arrange it...Gently push him through the door because he needs to face this reality check.....yes it will be an eye opener for him and he may feel uncomfortable but he needs the humility to realise he is no better than anyone in that room and has a problem as bad as it gets.

Its not about him shrinking into a comfort zone of privacy...facing this with honesty will heal him as a person

You have a job on...are you ready...for the rest of your life you can bothe never be complacent. Even when healed he still has to consider himself as a compulsive gambler for the rest of his life

Abstention and close monitoring is the only way...you will need access to his credit reports and self exclude him when you are present to see the process in action.

There is ultimately no shame in admitting to it...it affects millionaires and people from all walks of life....showing its more about the drug of activity than the money.

Next its the doctors for a full check up for anxiety stress and depression.

This is a process of rebuilding him and searching his soul. There will be reasons why he was vunerable to action or escape gambling.

Its the process of healing a life it doesn't happen overnight. The money has gone and you have to put it behind you...financial advice is available and debts can only be paid if you can afford them.

Once you have the foundations rock solid you can move on. Its your decision...some partners leave but I would say that he deserves some help and support if he is ready to accept that help

Best wishes from everyone on the forum