It's a few days now since my husband confessed that he's managed to get into £22k of debt due to drinking and gambling.
I'm in shock, I range from feeling numb to anger and upset. I've not shouted at him or anything, just told him I'm relieved that he's told me but understandably extremely upset that he's done this and deceived me. Just keep going over in my mind the amount of lies I've been told in the last couple of years, including him gaslighting me about him being inebriated on multiple occasions when I'd arrive home from work.
My trust in him has been blown to bits. I keep wondering if he's told me everything, if that's all the debt, how will I know he's stopped etc...because of the nature of our jobs and our timetables and how some days we don't see each other, how do I know he's not gambling now.
He's asked me to take full control of the finances and to just give him an allowance of my choosing.
He said he's cancelled all the sites he was signed up to and emails etc.
He's now getting CBT once a week - I've asked him to sort help from someone who specialises in gambling.
I've always known his impulse control wasn't great, e.g. if you put a six pack of beers in front of him he'll drink all of them, or put a box of chocolate in front of him he'll eat the lot.
I've been in touch with Gamcare for counselling for myself as this has completely shocked me. He was essentially leading a double life on his days off when I was working.
In these last few days he's thrown himself into the housework as the house had been going to the dogs, I'm always exhausted and apparently he didn't have time etc...but now he's got all this time to fill so I guess that's good, but also upsetting that it obviously didn't need to be that way as he was just too busy gambling.
Can I get him to ban himself from the gaming machine shops in town when they open again? I don't know how best to help him or how I can ever trust him again or if we'll get past this.
I didn't sign up to be the wife of a gambler and can't believe this has happened. If I'd known any of this I'd have run a mile, but I love him now and we have a house and life together. He'd been talking about us having a child but that feels like it's off the table and now due to my age that's probably never going to happen now. Also guessing nobody will let us foster or adopt now.
Just can't believe this mess that I had no idea about. He keeps talking about getting an IVA but having done a budget we should be able to make all the payments and hopefully one day his credit will improve enough to move the balance to lower interest rates? Who knows. This is all new to me.
Hello Maberly.
Welcome to the forum and well done for reaching out for support.
I can see how much of a shock this was for you and how difficult the last few days have been. All these feelings you have right now are understandable and i am sure you will get some good advice and support from other forum users here.
I am pleased to see you have organised counselling through GamCare, it sounds like it will be useful for you. It might also be good for you to try and speak to friends or family about what has happened so you have some support around you.
I can see that you really want to find the best way to help him and there are ways to exclude from other forms of gambling, I will attach some websites for you below.
www.self-exclusion.co.uk
www.nationalcasinoforum.co.uk/voluntary-self-exclusion-sense
www.bacta.org.uk/self-exclusion
I want to point out that, right now, you are important too. It sounds like your partner is getting the support he needs and it is his responsibility to take control of his recovery. It looks like this has made you question how you thought your future would look which is very difficult for you. It is important you allow yourself the time you need to recover from the shock.
For now, keep posting on the forum and the advisers are always available for support on 0808 8020 133 or by using the Livechat option.
Take care,
Rebecca
Forum Admin
Good evening,
There are many points you raise and i will try to look at some to try and help.
The 1st thing is protect you and make sure you know all the debts. You may need to look at credit reports (experian etc) to identify how much. Look at bank statements. Basically anything financial. Give him no access to any accounts, no credit cards, no debit cards, no cash. Only a "sandwich allowance" and full receipts.
Any excuse he wishes to give do not entertain it. Be harsh. Consider speaking to stepchange debt charity re a debt management plan. Any interest and charges can be frozen.
Speak to the bank and ensure no gambling transactions are allowed.
Bookmakers operate a self exclusion system. Get the forms and photos and take him to his haunts and watch him self exclude.
Consider him attending GA sessions.
The housework etc is guilt which in itself can be dangerous. Let the heat die down and maybe i can gamble again. No no no. It cannot happen.
He is an addict - like i was - like many others on here. Being cruel to be kind also protects yourself. As gamblers we can lie and manipulate very easily to get the next bet.
I wish you well and please continue to post on the forum.
Best
What a shock this must have been for you and you have my sympathy and very best wishes that you can sort this out.
The first thing is that it is a good sign that he has told you as it shows that he knows he is a compulsive addicted gambler. You probably understand that involves deceit, lies and pushing blame onto you when it should be the opposite. We behave dreadfully........and I truly hope that he can quit.
Firstly, it is easy to ban yourself from all local bookies. Go through google bookmakers in your area and note down every single one within 5 or 10 miles as when you self-exclude, you have to tell them the shops as they send a copy of your details and photograph to the shops - leave a shop out of the list and they won't know he is banned. Do it with him as its easy to do - have a look at this email that I got when I needed to add a couple of extra bookmaker shops to the list. He needs to also self-exclude from all online forms of gambling and that can also be done easily - I would sit down with him again and do it with him as this will ensure that he can't gamble at home or on his phone.
This isn't going to be easy for him - it wasn't/isn't easy for me so be strong and be firm but he will be miserable and we get the equivalent of withdrawal from an addiction. I'm not looking for sympathy but you should understand that it is very difficult to pack it in.
As to the question 'do you know everything' probably not. He's been gambling for years and has probably been lying for years too but he's told you the worst hopefully and asked you to take control of the finances so I'd advise you to get that done immediately. His income should be put into your account and be prepared for some resentment coming your way when he braves up and thinks that he might get away with softening his punishment. Do not weaken....you agree what action should be taken and stick to it - any weakening on either side and it simply means he is likely to gamble again.
Please get an agreement with him that he NEVER gambles. Not a penny. Never. No matter what the occasion or what his mates are doing as it simply starts again and the debt will end up twice what it is - trust me, I have done all of this before and know what I'm talking about. Its like being an alcoholic you either drink and get drunk again or never touch a drop and it has to be the latter. No gambling whatsoever.
I sincerely wish you luck - your husband should post on here so ensure he follows up on his promises to get help and to take that help.
As per your instructions the premises have been added to your Self-Exclusion. Please find attached your updated Self-Exclusion.
Should you discover you need to add any others please do not hesitate to contact us on 0800 294 2060.Below are the details for the National Gambling Helpline and Gamble Aware website, I would recommend contacting them as they are able to offer additional support and advice;
National Gambling Helpline – 0808 802 0133
www.gambleaware.co.uk
Now, Self-Exclude from other forms of gambling. Follow this link
Kind Regards,
Claire Stephen-Walker
Multi Operator Self-Exclusion Team.
Opening hours: 08:00 - 00:00
0800 294 2060
I am in the same position but with a family member.
I need help on how to talk to him about it, I don't want to in hard but I don't want to be lied to.
The ease at which money is available is just wrong, how can we stop this?
At my wits end.
Hi there,
It is horrible to discover this bombshell. It was the same for my partner when she was faced with my gambling and the damage it had caused. She went through all my gambling and bank accounts which was very uncomfortable but necessary. It was hard for her to see how much money and time this addiction had consumed, and the fact that she could possibly never trust me again was very damaging.
The good news is that these things can be repaired over time. It is over a year and a half since my last bet but my partner still has access to my emails, bank accounts and credit score (so she can see any debt in my name). I am self excluded via GamStop from all sites and from local shops as well. GA has been the real game changer for me as I get great support from other compulsive gamblers.
I am in the same position but with a family member.
I need help on how to talk to him about it, I don't want to in hard but I don't want to be lied to.
The ease at which money is available is just wrong, how can we stop this?
At my wits end.
Hi Drew
I understand how you must feel and wonder how you found out? Did he actually tell you or did you find something or see something so he only told you because you discovered the problem? Either way, do not be soft! If you don't remain firm and unwavering in what you expect in his change of behaviour then you are simply wasting your time because he will gamble again behind your back. That's what CGs do....be prepared to discover lies and deceit told to you in the past that is hard to accept.
Money that could have been spent on you and your family is gone so although you will find it very very difficult to forgive him, you must try - you won't forget but put it aside as you need to work together to beat this dreadful addiction.
He will miss the gambling dreadfully....that is quite normal so expect him to be bad tempered and to find excuses to blame you - its all nonsense of course as its not your fault in the slightest, but thats what we do. I bet (no pun intended) that even now he is thinking 'how can I sneak another bet in without her knowing'.
You say that you don't want to go in hard - its the opposite that you need to do because if you don't, if you show weakness or pity or compromise, he will gamble again. GO IN HARD. You need not only to put the blocks in to stop his ability to gamble but you need to take control of his finances. He won't like that but if you think about it, the only reason to object is so he can continue to deceive you - get his wages paid into your account. Ask for his credit cards and access to his bank accounts - you need to allow him his weekly spends and thats it.
If he says anything along the lines of 'I need you to trust me' tell him straight - NO YOU DON'T and that trust is earned and this is his way of earning it. He will want to set a time when you may consider relaxing everything but don't fall for it - certainly not less than 12 months. Any less and it will start again.
Its a hard journey but it can be beaten but be strong - no pity, no wavering, no taking some of the blame on your shoulders.
Good luck I truly wish you well Drew.
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