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Shields00
(@shields00)

I have been with my husband 10 years 8 of which he has been a compulsive gambler. For 8 years I have been doing the same loop over and over. The lies,the description,money,distrust and heartbreak that comes with been with a compulsive gambler is exhausting. He his always happy to get help hand over his finances go to counselling GA ect ect hes self excluded from all bookies within miles of our home/work place. Banned himself online via gamstop has his wages paid into my account but he always finds a way ALWAYS! he has never done more than a few months without slipping all over again. He will do terrible things to be able to continue stealing getting payday loans borrowing off family and friends anything to continue and then only comes clean when he has no choice. He doesn't seem to be able to break the same cycle which he repeats over and over.

He left In March moving in with his mum,think he was better alone. I was heartbroken,in lockdown and alone wondering how I would run the home/car/dog on my own but months pasted and I did it. I started to feel stronger and there was some relief in not having to deal with it not having to question everything and worry all the time it was kinda like a weight was lifted even though I missed him massively. He then started to get back in touch saying all the right things whisking me away for a few nights making all the same promises I've heard over and over and we started talking about him coming home. Since the hes gambled twice blowing all his money both times getting around online blocks and his gambling this past 10 months have been worse then ever the amount of money and deception is insane! 

How do I carry on in this marriage? He hasnt even moved back in yet and he still can't stop. I love him so so much but is it going to be like this forever? When is enough enough? 

How can he lose his home,wife,dog and still want to gamble? How can he put as much effort into stopping only to then put as much effort into doing it again? 

How can I fall for it every time? I am such a glass half full person I believe that he will beat it one day and we will look back on this mess and be grateful its over,but what if he never beats it? Can I stay just in the hope that one day he does? I'm not so sure anymore.

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Posted : 19th January 2021 6:12 pm
Joydivider
(@joydivider)

Hi Shields00 and welcome to the forum.

We can tell you all about this devastating addiction so you can build knowledge and strength. the decisions are yours and you have some real decisions to make.

We are not relationship counsellors but do know that you have to protect yourself from the effects and fallout from an addiction that controls addicts like puppets.

You can not let this be a blind love. Its great that you care for him but he needs to be ready to change or you cant help him. How can I put it? I once really loved the good qualities of a person who couldnt give up drinking. Despite her loving qualities and popularity...... her binge drinking sessions, violent outbursts through drink and visits from the police were far too much to cope with. lord knows I tried to help and encourage her but her addiction was too strong and there was no hope for the relationship. With hindsight it was over long before I was ready to accept that thought

Gambling is a major drug addiction. Its powers are immense and you need to learn about what you are dealing with.

You can only help him from a position of strength and protection. My best advice is actually to stay living apart. He has always found a way to gamble and has even moved out.

You have a lot to learn about what needs to be done to help him and its a big job.

At the moment it would be best if you can build some loving support from friends and family...You may need counselling over this but you MUST protect your finances and roof over your head.

Rule number one would be lending no money to him and not letting him stay over when he is skint because he would simply be waiting for the funds to gamble again.

Its not easy and we cant give you all the words you want to hear. Ultimately its your decision but make no mistake how devastatingly destructive a gambling addiction is.

He doesnt seem ready to surrender and cry out for help...even then he has to do the cold turkey and face a lifetime of abstention

Best you stay apart and try and give him some moral support from a distance. Ask him what he intends to do and you can give him the reality checks he needs.. He may lose you if he cant shape up......Protect yourself!

Best wishes from everyone on the forum

 

 

This post was modified 1 month ago by Joydivider
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Posted : 19th January 2021 10:11 pm
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