I have found out my husband has gambled 11k of the deposit we had saved to buy our first home.
He didn't tell me I found out when I asked to see our savings. Stupidly I trusted him with all the savings as he has always been better with researching savings accounts for best rates.
I feel sick at him and myself for trusting him. I don't know what to do. I do know I love him, he is a wonderful, kind person. This has come completely out of the blue.
Any advice would be appreciated. I want to support him.
Welcome to the Forum and thank you for sharing your story. I'm sure your post will be met with lots of advice and support.
I'm sorry to hear about your situation and I appreciate it must be a difficult time for you.
I understand this must be an upsetting and frustrating place to be in right now, He is your husband and rightly so you trusted him. Please do not blame yourself for any of this, it has come as a complete shock to you and how were you to know.
I would encourage you to contact our Helpline on 0808 8020 133 and our 1:1 Livechat ( both open 24 hours every day ) where you can talk to someone about how you are feeling about all of this, your thoughts and feelings matter too. We can also discuss steps you can take to support your husband and yourself.
Do take care and keep posting
Well. That is a wake-up call for you to do this.
1. Your finances are from today your own. Never mix them with his.
2. Take control of the housing finances ie mortgage rents etc. He can not control them.
3. NEVER lend him money. Make it a principle. IF there are NO finances involved you can
build on what is left.
4. Gambling addiction is like a sitcom. Everything is involved. Relations mental health daily finances manipulation anger hate depression suicidal thoughts. Just everything. If you want to save what is left
then you need to be very clear on your goals. Do not wait till he breaks your heart because addiction is a heart breaker. Take action. Become selfish and look after yourself first.
It's a sob but it is fact. You need to be true to yourself first. Once that is done you can save the rest for your man.
Sadly its a wake up call they the addiction separates any attractive qualities and completely takes over the mind for its own ends.
He has not done it with an evil laugh to hurt you. As an addict he couldnt help himself because he has not accepted reality yet or been given enough reality checks to question himself properly.
Its not your fault and not a naivety issue. He will have hidden this well because even though he is controlled like a puppet, his addicted mind knows that it had to remain a secret.
Its such a powerful addiction that it sets up a whole survival culture within the body. Something within him that is actually destroying its host for a chemical fix. It takes over the mind and actually alters minds into thinking its normal or beneficial behaviour.
What you have to do is protect yourself first and only then can you decide whether you can help him start a recovery journey.
You have already had great advice so I echo that you can not let this be a blind love or be a shrinking violet about this.
He needs to be ready to stop and reach out for help. Ideally you need a support network of family and friends that you can talk to.
You will build strength through knowledge and understanding. Its not your fault and the decisions are yours.
Be proud of who you are and what you expect from others
Best wishes from everyone on the forum
Thank you all for your advice and kind words.
I am still in shock but already I have taken over control of the finances and he now has access to nothing.
He is in the process today of applying self exclusions and blocking software (with my supervision) and he has spoken to gamcare to begin to get help.
Baby steps but I am VERY cautious as this man lied to me over a sustained period.
Thank you all again, this support has already been so beneficial in a few short hours.
He has a gambling problem, its unfortunate you found out this way but it is pretty common as most addicts dont want to admit they have a problem.
I know it is hurtful but there is no point on beating yourself up over it, what is important is that you learn from what happened. For that you need full disclosure, you need to sit down with him and go through everything (its very common for compulsive gamblers to hide some debt or not reveal some avenue where they can get funds in the future). Rule number one is you now know you cannot fully trust him so you need to see everything in black and white for yourself.
You need to go through all his bank accounts, savings, credit card transactions go through his credit score account (they are free and easy to set up if he has not got one) to see any debt in his name. Go through his gambling accounts if he had any to see how he was depositing funds. Go through his emails also.
I know that all sounds a bit extreme but as you are becoming aware, living with a compulsive gambler can be ruinous. If after seeing the full picture for yourself you intent to keep the relationship going you then need to seek support, addiction feeds off secrets and lies. Speak to someone you trust about it, try and attend a GamAnon meeting to get support from others in the same situation as yourself.
Keep posting here and I wish you well.
Don’t beat yourself up about it. But don’t think it’ll go away or get better easily, if ever. I’ve just recently found out my husband is a problem gambler but twice before now I found out he had secret debts, had spent half our wedding gift money, earned about £20000 in overtime which we as a family never saw, borrowed money from family using fake but very compelling reasons ie can’t afford bills due to me being on maternity... it’s always come out but only because I’ve found it.
Gambling addiction is awful. Think long and hard about what sort of life/relationship you want for the long term. Look after yourself and your money, keep everything separate. You might not be able to get a mortgage if he has not been able to pay loans/bills because of his gambling. If you link your finances through joint accounts/ debts then you’ll be impacted to.
I dont want want to sound doom and gloom but I’m a week into finding out that my husband is an addict and the reality of the implications it has on me, my children, our relationship, my life as I thought it was and would be. It’s overwhelming and daunting so I feel for you. I’ve found loads of support and information which is helping me. Gamcare offer counselling or general advice removed link There are podcasts, forums, articles etc all have helped me try to understand what it’s like for him but also what life is like with an addict, beyond what I already know.
I wish you all the best.
Just an update (and for a release for myself by writing about it)
My husband and I sat down and went through all his accounts for me to see what he had done. Thankfully he had not gotten to the stage of his gambling affecting our bills or him using his credit cards or loans to fund this awful habit. He seemed to use our savings as some kind of free money, which is horrific in itself but I am thankful he didn't ever use his cards or take loans or fall behind on bills.
He has handed over all his cards to me, showed me his credit report and gave me log in details for it so I can always check. I have changed all the log ins for the bank so he doesn't have access.
He has a 1 to 1 meeting next week with gamcare also. I am praying and praying the above is a positive step from him. He was very active in helping me gain control and told me of his relief he knows that with the bans on his phone and on sites and with no access to the money he is in a stronger position. We agreed he would come to me when he has urges so we can talk through it.
His state of remorse and willingness to get help and recognise he needs it gives me a tiny glimmer of hope I can learn to trust him again. Never with money I know, but with the rest of the life we have been building for 10 years.
The way he has never gambled that much in the past (save for a few quid in the bookies, this I know as I went through 10 years of bank and credit history last night) makes me hopeful we can overcome this.
Thank you for all your advice and support. One day at a time.
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