Hi,
My girlfriend recently told me about her dads gambling problem and I don’t know how to help. I feel completely useless and hate to see her in such an impossible situation.
So a couple of months ago, her dad asked her if he could borrow some money and she’s been sending him big chunks of money once or twice a week ever since. He seems to pay her back most of the time but has recently sold his car to pay her back and pay off his credit card. She says he always pays her back but I don’t think that’s the point and I’m worried about it getting out of control.
She lends him the money because she’s worried about his mental health because he’s depressed and can’t go to the pub with his friends due to Covid and so she lends him the money so he can play poker to distract himself from the depression. I have told her I don’t think this will help him in the long term but she’s worried about the depression in the short term which I completely understand.
After selling his car he said he was going to stop borrowing money from her but has asked for another big chunk tonight and a couple of times before that. She also said she was going to stop sending him money for it a while ago but has sent 2 lots of money since saying that.
I keep suggesting that she should try and steer him towards getting some professional help for his problem but she says he has been like this for years and so is reluctant to try that. I guess my main worry is that she has just accepted the problem as she can’t see a way of getting him out of it and I’m worried that it will just carry on forever.
Her dad and her mum have been divorced for a few years now and I suspect this problem is a big reason for that. Her dads problem has also put a strain on her and her mums relationship as they always argue about lending him money. I love her to bits but I’m worried this is going to start putting a strain on our relationship as it is a big worry for both of us.
I have absolutely no idea how to help so any advice would be much appreciated x
Hi EnablersBF and welcome.
Its a difficult one but ultimately she is enabling a cycle of borrowing behaviour he has come to rely on to fund his gambling. He will look for the easiest way to get hold of money again and his daughter is that way.
He is an addict and she cares about him. I am however saying that its not helping him and its not good for your girlfriend. There will come a day when he sheepishly looks at the floor and wont be able to pay it back anytime soon. Its a progressive addiction and he may already be borrowing from other people so he cant pay anybody back
I class gambling as a drug addiction and its extremely dangerous. Its not a game about a little flutter and it causes further anxiety and depression. he will also feel more stressed if he cant pay his daughter back and so it all spirals downwards.
My advice is that she cant just accept the situation and has to find the knowledge and strength not to enable him and to ask him how he is living and what he is doing with his money.
She could phase it down quickly or stop it altogether but she has to do something because her father needs reality checks that throwing money away has consequences
An addict will naturally treat her like a payday loan provider as hes not even paying any interest I presume. Where is the pride of a man that borrows repeatedly from his daughter. The answer is that his gambling addiction has taken that dignity from him
He clearly needs help and soft soaping him isn't the answer. I'm afraid some tough love has to be shown...food parcels maybe in the short term but it needs pushing to a level where he shows some true colours...like why wont you help me and starts demanding it because he is confused and scared
Then that is countered with we love you and the gambling must stop Dad...then take it from there.
Yes its not easy but she has allowed the situation to develop like a comfort blanket for him. A comfort blanket he wont want taken away
An addicted gambler needs REALITY checks but the most important thing is he needs to be ready to seek and accept help
Protect yourselves financially then you can help from a position of knowledge and strength.
Best wishes from everyone on the forum
Hi Joydivider,
Thank you for your response. I agree with what you say and I’ve been trying to suggest to her that she should be a bit harder on him and it’s good to hear that I’m saying the right sort of thing. I think she’s worried about where he will get the money from if it isn’t from her which is why she keeps lending so much. She is also really worried about being hard on him as she thinks that his depression will get much worse if she’s strict.
I have suggested that he should get professional help for both the gambling and the depression but she seems reluctant to steer him towards getting help for the problem as it hasn’t worked for him in the past. I keep trying to get her to get him to seek proper professional help however her reluctance to do this makes me think she has accepted the problem.
I think it’s hard for her to see how bad the problem is as she doesn’t want to think of her dad having this problem so I’m trying to just gently remind her that we need to keep trying to help him get help.
It’s also a tricky one as it’s not completely out of control yet but after reading some of the other forums it sounds like this is the sort of thing that always leads on to bigger problems. I think it’s best to tackle the problem before it becomes something more but while it still seems “under control” I don’t think my girlfriend wants to address the issue.
Thanks again for your response. It’s a very complicated situation and very hard as I have no experience with this sort of thing so it’s very reassuring to hear from people who might have been through this before. I really appreciate the help and advice
Yes thanks for that.
The problem is that gambling is like being a heavy alcoholic but its easier for a gambler to hide the signs of what its doing to them
Believe me he will be hurting inside but may even be chirpy and full of banter when he sees you both. Thats mainly because he knows that there will be some bailout money and deep down he knows its manipulation even if he refuses to see it that way on the surface
Ive met these "borrowers" many times and it becomes a lifestyle for them. The reality is it creates a tension and a false relationship. These borrowers start to believe their own hype that they are just a cheeky chappy that everybody loves and loves helping. The truth is that people start to see them as a pain but are scared of hurting their feelings. Ive seen people lose their jobs because they mither everyone at work for a fiver to cover gambling losses.
It always ends in tears because they shouldnt be borrowing off anybody close in the first place...they are often on a similar level of income but think everyone is just there to top them up again
The problem is bad....very bad. Gambling is a one way ticket to the soup kitchen and the streets
You don't know how much debt he is in and you dont know how much he gambles...assume the worst!
As a matter of pride you need to get proactive in stopping this. Hes playing on his daughters love. Every time he gambles he doesnt just lay down money...he is gambling with you, his relationships, his life and his daughters love.
He cant help it because his addiction is mugging you all off. To help him he needs to see some reality and you need to see the true colours of his addiction.
As I said its a difficult one. She may think its for an easy life and its not much money. However you cant help him if he is not ready and I understand the pain of watching somebody destroying themselves
The problem will probably end up on his wifes or daughters doorstep anyway so its best to try and help stop the behaviour and talk to him about his gambling addiction....Not easy
Your decision! All the best
Hi this is hard to hear but she is the one who needs help to stop. She can’t stop him gambling or being depressed. She is not a doctor.
We cannot fix addicts but we can enable them in a deluded way we think we’re helping.
When you are an enabler you need help to learn to say no. You need support and to learn it’s ok to not give a gambler money. Money is their drug. This has gone on for years and is ingrained in their relationship.
Her best place for help and support is Gamanon.
A compulsive gambler will gamble regardless of what we say or do. Until he runs out of willing helpers/enablers he won’t seek help.
This situation affects everyone connected. A pebble in a pond.
You are right, this will affect your relationship too. Your girlfriend may already be in debt too. I believe we are addicted to the addict. We all have to learn a new way to behave.
I hope she listens to you, you can both go to a Gamanon meeting via zoom these days.
Hi thank you for your reply.
This sounds like what I was thinking. That she is thinking she’s helping to distract him from everything by lending the money but really the only way to tackle the problem is to seek help from professionals.
I suppose all I can do is to continue to encourage her to stop lending the money and hope that this in turn leads to him seeking help for the problem.
He asked for money again last night and she didn’t lend him any so I guess that’s a bit of progress.
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