Getting into a relationship with a recovering compulsive gambler

Hi heropanda, I for one strongly believe there is every hope...I too am that CG, getting married @ the end of this year 🙂 I have given up the mental 'love of my life', Mr Gamble who has been making me false promises for nearly 3 decades, for the physical one & whilst I too am early in my recovery, I know there can never be any going back!

My suggestion would be to give her full access to your financials so that you are accountable to her...Bank statements, credit scores, loans, the lot! If possible limit the access you have to funds so that it doesn't ever cross your mind to play. Slips aren't necessarily inevitable although it's is inevitable that the urges will come! You just have to want recovery more & when your day count becomes more important that your want to gamble, I would say you are ready!

Exciting times 🙂 Don't let the evil take her away from you! You can win you back - ODAAT

Hi heropanda

I agree with all comments above.

I would emphasise 2 of the points raised.

She has to be fully aware that under no circumstances is she to lend you money, for whatever reason. The reason may be genuine at the time, but as we all know, we CG's are very good at lying, so how would she know you were telling the truth?

The 2nd point is trust. You will have to accept that she probably will, and in my opinion always should have trust issues re you, money and gambling. This will lead to the inevitable queries re "what did you spend that money on"..."where have you been"...etc. You have to be comfortable and accepting that this will most likely happen, be sure in your mind that you can 'put up' with this. She has every right not to trust you. Over time, you will regain some of this trust, but I doubt whether she will ever fully trust in this regard.

Be open, honest and willing to work on your addiction. Help is always available with GA,this forum, etc

Best wishes.

As above,

It can be hard when as an addicted gambler whom is doing their best to stop and actually so far achieving it (76 days so far)

then being questioned or receiving a look of doubt from friends/loved ones or even strangers when you know you are speaking the truth.

The thing is....you have to not let it bother you or respond negatively to it...............as it is actually for your benefit as gaining their trust fully can be dangerous for a gambler so be open about this and communicate you want to be a success and to do this you require challenge.................and make such challenge positive as it will see you through this evil addiction safely.

when at times you are not challenged - pick them up on this and get them to challenge you more....for both of your sakes.

Its a weird thing but gives you control rather than resentment that they may not trust you when you are succeeding.

Best of luck

Wayne (LEST-WE-FORGET)

as far as money (unless you have hundreds of thousands and have an issue with leaving money in anothers care)

i would give the non gambling partner everything from the start as a safety barrier.........but of course always keep such transactions documented and check regually your funds still are healthy so to speak.

if this relationship is strong then this will not be an issue........make it clear it is your money and its with them as a barrier to justify spending...........allow the other to supply you with your own money as and when it is needed, and keep receipts that you have bought what the monies intended..........for your own benefit and to see where it goes on paper.

have a great life together..........communication is key............of course such a open commitment to the other shows you mean what you say and really do care..........the favour will be returned by the person caring enough back to spend that little extra time to run such a set up successfully.

It is a inconvenience yes..............but well worth it in comparison to the misery gambling causes a relationship.

I'd like to thank everyone for taking the time to respond to my post, it was the first issue that persuaded me to contact gamcare directly rather than just posting on the forum and they've offered some suggestions also.

If i'm brutally honest ODAAT I don't think i've quite reached the stage that I never think i'll gamble again which is why i probably perceive that slips are inevitable. I reached a stage where enough was enough, an opportunity for a real and fulfilling life came along and since then i've done everything to grab that opportunity.

Thats not to say that i am planning to gamble in the future but it's an unresolved issue in my mind that i hope sorts itself out as i progress through my recovery.

Half-Life i think you are right about limiting the joint connections and i would be happy to offer full and open access to all my accounts and credit information. One of the majorly upsetting things in my life to date is that the gambling has taken home ownership out of the equation for me for a long time so i would want to find a way that we can still do that even if that's a case of me just paying in separately (sorry i don't know how it works!)

wal1957 i get what you are saying with regards to trust but i don't think i would be happy with this level of assumption from day 1. I understand what i've done in the past and how i've hurt myself but in her i've been nothing but open and honest, i have never hurt her or broken any element of her trust so if i got that level of scrutiny at the outset then it would really upset me. I do appreciate your best wishes though so thank you.

For that reason i like your idea LEST-WE-FORGET of me controlling and pushing the agenda of monitoring my spend and financials etc. Actual control of money is quite a strange one, i've never really had any money for so long i can't remember what it's like, i'll definitely look for help with this whether its putting savings into accounts with delayed access or shared accounts with just my money etc its a good plan.

At the moment she is not as concerned as i am about this topic, this may be due to a lack of understanding of how bad its been, an unwillingness to accept that i'm damaged goods or a general fear and loathing of addiction which has run in her family. As a result of all of this and your helpful suggestions above i'm going to propose the following:-

(1) Direct her to this post and this section of the Gamcare website and suggest we have a focussed discussion on the issues it raises.

(2) Propose a monthly short session where we go through my credit file and transactions (where i provide the cake and ice cream to sweeten the deal)

(3) Research into safe savings scheme with delayed access or other party oversight

I guess the next issue would be having a process in place to deal with slip-ups and i don't know where to start with that. It needs to be rigid enough to act as an added deterrent to not gamble but it has to be flexible enough that if i did i wouldn't fear being honest about it. I will give this some real thought and come back with some ideas, again i'd appreciate on your thoughts about how to manage a slip up both emotionally and in terms of practicalities.

Thanks again and despite any negative sounding sentiments i've managed another weekend without and i have no reason to think that it will change...

Hi heropanda

After re-reading your initial post again, I realise that I have treated your situation as though you had been with this lady during your gambling days. So, upon reflection I think I went too hard on the trust issue. Sorry about that.

I now think that as long as you don't have any major slip-ups that the trust issue will be a minor issue for you. As you said, you have been totally honest with her, so I wish you a very happy future together.

Best wishes

Hi Again,

It's excellent your taking the issue seriously...........as it has a way of catching us out if we not on the ball.........so well done.

I have wrote posts on the mess up scenarios if you look at my archives...........hopefully will give you some ideas/structures.

Honesty is best policy...........and any slips must be brought to light - with a view at identifying how it went wrong and where and what further steps can be taken to avoid the same issue ever again.

All the best - your certainly on the right path.......

hope you stick to it like glue and win back your life by not gambling full stop.

I very much like you have no chance of getting a mortage for minimum of 6 years due to debt.

doesn't stop you saving once you can though and wait until your in the situation of obtaining your own house and having a strong deposit to offset the mortage against.

Regards

Wayne (LEST-WE-FORGET)

The only thought I am having here is how on earth you get across the potential seriousness of the situation.

I think if I loved someone, who had always been honest and loving towards me, hadnt hurt me (beyond the usual things like when mr P said how much he hated our old curtains, which he didnt know my late mum had made for me), you know, someone has been lovely and I love him.... It's not that i wouldnt believe he's a CG, I'd just think it was in the past and put my blinkers on and trot into the future. That's what love does to us.

You are going to have to hold your own reins here or get someone else on side who will help you, a GA friend maybe, a mentor perhaps? Someone who actually will question promptly when you ring alarm bells.

This raises so many questions, but overwhelmingly the answers point towards the positive benefits of being in a loving relationship and I am very happy for you, it really does make me happy to read of a CGs life being happy, it gives me confidece in my own.

numbers - usually do the trick - as the amounts are usually astronomical..........

Good point. I am used to not thinking about amounts anymore.

Well i have directed her to this post and she has read it and we will talk about it in time, there is nothing pressing to have that discussion today and it just comforts me that this is here. I would agree that numbers and amounts relating to gambling will certainly drive home the severity of the addiction. So with that in mind and with a healthy dose of shame...

Transactions to B**5. I would estimate this to be 90-95% of my gambling.

2014 - 700+ Deposits totalling over £55k, net loss for the year c£10k

And with some amount of pride i can say that for 2015

2015 - No activity

Having said this and in the mood of confessing, i still haven't permanently self excluded from this account and i don't know why. I think its a mixture of anger that i was able to gamble on that level on an account that i'd previously self excluded from and wanting some form of revenge to the thought process that one day maybe my attitude to gambling will have changed substantially enough to be able to use it for entertainment purposes.

Thinking that sentiment through though, the best way to get revenge is to stop any potential to give them my money and if i do ever recover in a way which permits recreational gaming then i'm sure there will be other outlets for this by then. I think you've all helped me to confess this and work through this and as a result i have just this moment self excluded from B**5, Skybet and U****t for the max option of 5 years. These were the only remaining sites which i consciously know i have an account with which i hadn't already self-excluded from. (There may be others but i don't know where they are) - Update I forgot Leo Vegas which i've also just permanently self-excluded from...

The only other thing on my radar which i'm not yet ready to close down is an offer from a las vegas casino host for accomodation, food and beverage and a substantial amount of freeplay. The plus side of this is that it's not a decision i can make on a whim really. So yeah, thats absolutely everything all out in the open...

Thanks again for your words Pangolin, Wayne and Wal1957, i don't know what is ahead but if i approach it with honesty and openness then i've given myself every chance to succeed and your words have certainly helped me in that. I think there are strong benefits from feeling the love but i have to be clear that i'm doing this for myself first and foremost. I know that if i fix me then i'm more likely to continue being able to feel the love in future.

Hi heropanda

You wrote..."but i have to be clear that i'm doing this for myself first and foremost. I know that if i fix me then i'm more likely to continue being able to feel the love in future."

You have got that in a nutshell. If you take care of yourself and address the gambling problem, then life can/will return to normality for you. A lot of recovering gamblers find it hard to understand why you, (the gambler) should come first, so I am pleased that you have got that message so quickly.

Keep up with the honesty and openness, and I wish you and your partner all the best for the future.

Thanks Half-Life, the 5 year exclusion as you say is good for the moment and it was the maximum i could arrange without a phonecall/livechat with each site.

I have bad experience with blockers and blocking software because they are usually quite expensive, there's normally a way to get round them if you really wanted to and with the sheer number of devices and different avenues to gamble i don't really see a purpose in them especially if i've now canned all of the accounts and specifically the one account which held such a power over me.

As i said i don't have all the answers and i don't have everything fully resolved in my mind, the offer from a casino host comes in quarterly without any activity from me. I can admit that i'm currently not ready to proactively exclude myself from that. I guess perhaps my internal belief is that i could take them up on this offer, make a killing fairly easily meaning i could avenge losses on my last trip, enjoy some hospitality and a 'free' holiday and by virtue of that withdraw myself from future offers.

Now i know that technically (as in mathmatically speaking) i could easily do the above and walk away with a profit but realistically i know i couldn't and it would be stupid to attempt it and to risk everything for it. I appreciate that just having this thought probably shows weakness and a lack of dedication to quitting but in my mind being able to share it, discuss it and open myself up for criticism on it is on balance a positive start...

I am getting there though. It feels like every day i grow a bit stronger, can recognise more of my mistakes, am increasingly disassociated with the gambler within me and i can see more of the value of life and do a bit more to help myself (as evidenced with the self-exclusions today) so for me i'm just working through this gradually in my own time in my own way.

wal1957 wrote:

Hi heropanda

You wrote..."but i have to be clear that i'm doing this for myself first and foremost. I know that if i fix me then i'm more likely to continue being able to feel the love in future."

You have got that in a nutshell. If you take care of yourself and address the gambling problem, then life can/will return to normality for you. A lot of recovering gamblers find it hard to understand why you, (the gambler) should come first, so I am pleased that you have got that message so quickly.

Keep up with the honesty and openness, and I wish you and your partner all the best for the future.

Thank you Wal1957.

I thought about that a lot and there's a few reasons for thinking this way. The first is that if you do this for someone else and that person then leaves the equation then your grounding has gone and your belief and resolve might crumble. This also puts a selfish amount of pressure on the other person and makes them your carer rather than your lover/partner which is an unhealthy dynamic.

I think my ideal partner has a strong element of being caring and supportive which i would also offer across all topics but it can't be too much or too overpowering.

I think i've unknowingly surrounded myself with some very smart people over my lifetime and perhaps i'm finally reaching an age where its more able to sink in.