I have been reading this forum for some time now and have joined today hoping I can get some perspective from you all as I have no one to talk to.
My partner of 7 years has been gambling for what I believe to be most of his life (even lost a flat through it before we met), I only found out 3 years into the relationship through uncovering his lies and constant borrowing large sums from me.
I was naive to the addiction at this time and he made me believe it was not a big thing. Until it happened a second time for a much larger amount landing him maxing out his overdraft and paying off a loan from years before. At this point, we both seeked individual counciling and still being naive to it all, stopped tracking his bank accounts etc.
Then about 6 months ago it happened all over again, this time loosing his half of the deposit for our new house and maxing an overdraft. I was distraught. Numb to be exact. I took tighter rain of the finances tracking his online banking (us going through it together to try and make it a more positive experience), no cash to be taken out on his card etc. Got his credit score in a perfect position and even helping him track his money to re save for the deposit).
Then last night, looking at his bank transactions I spotted by accident under a transaction ‘Cashback’. I couldn’t believe it. Tracing all the way back to 3 months ago, £10/£20 here and there. He denied it and even lied and told me he owed it to somebody until I called his bluff and said call him now then.
Its worth me pointing out he has never willingly come forward to tell me he has gambled I have always found out - something I told him made it 100more hurtful to me.
How can I trust him long term after the constant lies? What do I do when it comes to us signing a mortgage together and the next stages of our life such as marriage?
I feel a fool for staying with him but I love him so much and he’s the only person who truest gets me. Apologies for the long message. I have not one friend/family member to talk to about this as no one knows so appreciate any comments/advice you can give me.
Hi,
sorry to hear you are facing this.
I'm a compuslive gambler, I said and did anything to try and keep relationships going whilst gambling for over 20 years
I have always been found out too, until April 2017 when I confessed and I have just reached 300 days gf, I really really don't want to gamble anymore, I'm taking every step I can to not gamble again
I'm very grateful I was never on the family mortgage, I would have lost us our house
In your position I would not sign a joint mortgage (or any other financial commitment)
Hi,
Thank you for being so honest, I really appreciate it and we’ll done on 300 days strong.
I feel like if we manage to get through the past and continue with GA what about the practicalities of life like a mortgage etc... how can I protect myself?
Hi Lucy I'm wife of a cg. My husband came clean about 15 yrs ago. I knew he gambled but had no idea what that meant long term or that he was compulsive. After his first GA meeting, his salary went straight to my account. No joint accounts. After a year at GA he didn't like it, need it, whatever the excuse was. He secretly went back to it, kept a bank account and gambled loans. He would confess find a new meeting close accounts in front of me, gamble lunch money. My point is it will stop if he wants to. A confession means some kind of realisation or there's no more access to money/credit. Now he has no access, no cards, no cash. If he goes to get anything it's cash and receipt. if you have a mortgage in your name only it's your responsibility. Don't pay his debt or overdraft. it's his debt. It's progressive so it gets worse bets get bigger and so does the debt. He needs to acknowledge the problem and actively seek help. GA meetings, gamcare counselling. You need to look after you, safeguard all finance. You also need support, I don't think it should be a secret. Addiction feeds on secrets and lies. They don't do this deliberately or to hurt us. The more people know the more support you get, the less people they have to borrow from. Don't feel a fool, that's how I felt. They make sure we don't know, they manipulate us, it's not our fault. This is forever they're never cured. We go to GA and gamanon every week. You have to decide what you want. You have to be strong and take charge of all money. He won't like it especially if he's not ready to stop.
Hi
Sorry to see this. Unfortunately he won't stop gambling until he wants to and for a CG that point often only comes when the pain of stopping is less than the pain of continuing. Some never reach that point. It's not a good sign that he's been found out rather than telling you of his own accord but you have no control or influence over his behaviour. You choices lie with what you tolerate and how you want to live. It's a lifelong addiction. It can be arrested but not cured which in turn means you would be very unwise to trust him with anything financial now and going forward. It means being on top of everything financial 100% of the time including regular monitoring of his credit reports.
I handle everything financial. Mr L does his spending through a joint bank account with no OD. I see receipts. His salary goes to a basic bank account he can't access. The vast majority of savings are in my sole name. Larger purchases are made through my sole bank account and held in my sole name.
Think hard about how you want to live and what you want, need and deserve from a life partner. Living with a gambling addiction is doable if everyone wants the same thing but it's no bed of roses for anyone.
Sorry if I’m being stupid but had he ever admitted to gambling at all? After you found out the lies at all? I don’t know if you mean he hasn’t at all or if he only admitted after you sifting through the lies? The first step to change is admitting you have a problem, if he can’t do that then your life isn’t going to change. If he has admitted it and wants to change then you need to take complete control of finances, he has no bank account or anything. You need to decide whether you want to live the rest of your life like this. I suspected for a while my husband has gambling but never had the guts to find out, I buried my head in the sand. Then three weeks ago something snapped and I took a stand, op ed a letter, saw he was in debt. Took the kids to my parents, wrote him a letter saying I needed the whole truth or we couldn’t be marked anymore. It took him a few days and a few more lies (which I didn’t stand for) until he confessed everything. I have taken control of everything and he is going to GA every week. I pray to god it works and he doesn’t gamble again, he knows if he does I will leave. Being married to a cg will be a very hard life but I believe it can be a happy one eventually, you have to be strong. But first you need to know he wants to change? Has he made any indication that he wants to? That’s the most important thing to start with. And please don’t feel like a fool
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